I doubt I'll be able to go back to sleep when I get home - and that is going to make for a long day of waiting. The results will start rolling out of their lab around noon - so anytime between 12pm and 4pm is when the phone call will come. I'm so tired of waiting; actually, tired isn't the right word anymore: I'm weary.
It's been a long month filled with highs, lows, ups and downs. We've done everything we're supposed to do. I've been to every appointment, taken every pill, done the blood work and taken my shot. But as I sit here tonight I'm not convinced it worked. And that bums me out.
You read online about the women who "just know" that they are pregnant. That intangible, indescribable feeling, intuition. I've thrown the question out to the TTC chat boards - and not one woman could give me a better answer than "I just had a gut feeling I was pregnant". Thanks, super helpful. I am having none of those feelings that I can tell - strike one.
I've also failed in my quest to steer clear of the HPT (home pregnancy tests). I peed in a cup yesterday evening and dunked 3 -- and then peed in a cup again tonight and dunked 2 more. I don't see anything there that would give me a glimmer of hope to hang on to. Line Eye kicks in after too much staring and you could swear you see something; but my most rational self chimes in and says "No, not this time." Strike two.
So where does that leave me tonight? Almost at the end of the road of Cycle 1, and not feeling very hopeful that there will be good news coming to me tomorrow. I try to muster bravery; but I'm already cracking as I type. I feel the tickle in my nose and the warmth of tears behind my eyes. Maybe if I let some of the disappointment out now, the blow won't be so hard tomorrow.
I don't want to be a pessimist, but I also don't want to be naive. I also never wanted this 'diary' to be a woe-is-me, 'take pity on me' project -- that wasn't the point or intention. However, there is real emotion that goes along with this journey and that's part of the story. So, I'll share that too. I hope you won't mind, and I'll hope you'll still come back when we start Chapter 2.
For tonight, I will log off and get some sleep before my appointment (now only 9 hours and 14 mins away). Either way the news goes tomorrow there will be a delay in posting the results - I want us to be able to share the final update with our parents first, and digest it ourselves before sharing with the world. I will get the update online as soon as I'm ready - so trust that it will come and you will know soon enough as well.
Until then, I leave you with a photo of my dip strips from last night. If you see something, say something - I will take all the hope I can get tonight.
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| Anyone? |
xoxo
P.S. - thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and support this month. We are so blessed and so appreciative to have so many people in our corner rooting for us. It means the world. 💗
In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc
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