*sigh*

*Medical procedures and photos are shared below – be warned if you’re squeamish*


For the past 9 months I’ve been keeping a lot of things on the down-low.  I am a conflicting bundle of thoughts and emotions, and I figured it best to keep it as quiet as possible to minimize the chance of offending someone, jinxing myself, or putting myself too “out there”.  As a result, my husband has borne the brunt of my rollercoaster hormones.  To help his sanity and mine it’s time to open Pandora’s box and let someone else in. 


To get a full picture of the past 9 months we have to go back a ways. There’s a lot I need to get off my chest.


In a roundabout way I started this particular leg of our journey to pregnancy in July 2015, with what I thought was an allergy to spinach.  Nausea, vomiting, stomach pain – food allergy or general intestinal disagreement seemed like a reasonable assumption.  It lasted for a few hours, leaving no trace behind.  Strange.


Occurrences identical to this happened at the pace of once per month through the summer and into early fall.  Finally in October, at my mom’s urging, I went to the doctor.  I had been keeping a detailed journal of each episode and the food consumption surrounding; there were no patterns I could make out but maybe he had some ideas.  He seemed stumped and decided to start slow – let’s do some blood work and other tests and see what comes out.  Here is where we’ll begin:


November 4th
Blood draws, hemoccult cultures (so sexy), ultrasounds.

All the blood work came back normal except for the poop cultures (I’d apologize but that’s what they are and I am past the point of blunt).  Traces of blood are found.  He’s concerned enough to order more blood work and send me to have some ultrasounds done.


November 16th
More blood work...

The PA couldn’t pinpoint what was causing the blood or the pains, so ordered a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy.  I was terrified.  I’m only 31, so I am about 20 years too soon to be facing these issues and don’t know what to think.  Fighting my fear the appointment was made a few weeks from then.


December 10th
Colonoscopy and upper endoscopy.  Not.fun.

The aftermath of bruises:

For anyone who has ever had these procedures you can agree this isn’t anyone’s idea of a fun day.  It was uncomfortable and stressful.  The doctor was lovely; friendly, reassuring.  Answered my tearful questions and reassured me that he doesn’t think there is anything to be concerned about.  The nurse trying to start my IV was another story – 3 failed tries to start one amongst stories about starting lines on dead people and it was time to call in back-up.  Thankfully that fourth attempt was the lucky one – but it was right in my wrist.  That hurt.


I got the results back from the PA the week before Christmas.  Pathology came back normal and while there are minor ulcers, I don’t have to worry about them.  He incorrectly diagnosed me with ulcerative colitis, but that was corrected later by the doctor who performed the procedures (a huge sigh of relief).  We both hoped that these pains would disappear as sudden and mysteriously as they had appeared.  I hadn't had any issues since the colonoscopy, and was actually feeling great.


Now you know the backstory to my winter & spring - this will come full circle in a minute.


We’ve been married for 6 years now, and it’s no secret that we want to have children.  We’ve casually tried, taken breaks, and tried again in the quest.  I’ve done acupuncture and herbs.  So far nothing has worked.  Thanks to Google I knew that anyone trying for over a year without success should consult a doctor – and I just wasn’t quite ready for that reality.  Ignorance is bliss, right?  Not so much.


I did research on our insurance coverage and in-network doctors for Project Baby.  I was ready to start again.  In December we had our consultation appointment with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) OB at a clinic that specializes in reproductive medicine.  Read: people who are struggling.  We left really optimistic and positive that this would be a great step for us and will work for us.


Unfortunately these plans were put on hold as quickly as they started …


January 18th
Emergency Room visit after an episode of pain and vomiting that I couldn’t bear through. 

IVs, pain meds, and my blood work came back with high inflammation markers – but not sure of the source.  No other tests or exams were ordered and I was dismissed and told to follow-up with the GI team again.  I went back to that doctor and he ran more blood work and declared that whatever the cause for my issues it is not related to those GI functions of my body and I’m out of his expertise.  Ok.  What next?


February 22nd
Emergency Room visit.  Another episode that I couldn’t muster through. 


I got an amazing ER doctor who listed to the long list of tests and procedures I’ve already had done, and orders new tests.  Ultrasounds came back with an ovarian cyst so large they couldn’t fit it on the screen and couldn’t see my bladder or other anatomy around it.  I will be admitted for surgery today.  Orders a CAT scan because the OBGYN wants to try and pinpoint exactly where it’s coming from so she knows where to make the incisions and is clear on the source.

My cyst is the veiny purple bag in the left photo, and the dark almost-black bag in the right photo.  The doctor who performed the surgery said it was about the size of a volleyball.  No wonder it hurt so much.

Incisions … 4 total, laparoscopically performed so they were all relatively small.  The largest was 1 inch across where they pulled the deflated cyst out.

I was admitted to Fairview and surgery was scheduled for 7am the next morning.  Lovely doctor very politely and gently explained the surgery, and then told me that I would be losing my left ovary and left fallopian tube due to the size of this cyst. 


I was heartbroken.  We’ve already struggled to get pregnant and now I have to lose half of my reproductive system?  That hardly seems fair.  Dave was amazingly supportive, as was my mom and sister who came to visit me and stay with me.


Surgery was a success and I was healing great.  Post-op follow up appointment was two weeks later.  The doctor was really great once again, reassuring me that there is no reason to believe that this would hinder our abilities to have a successful pregnancy and that my right ovary and tube should just kick in and take over each month.  She said I only had to wait a month before starting to pursue Project Baby.  Together with a surgery that eliminated all the pain I'd been experiencing this was the best news I could have heard.


In December at the consultation with our RE we had received instructions and paperwork to get started on this process.  Blood work for me, semen analysis for husband.  Dave did his part and everything came back great.  My first step post-surgery was to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test to ensure my one tube left was open.  This took place in April; dye was flushed through my uterine cavity and successfully exited my tube.  That was a huge relief as this meant that a fertilized egg could clearly and freely move from the tube to my uterus and wouldn’t be clogged.  Another hurdle cleared.


Now officially starts Cycle 1.


April 26th
Baseline ultrasound & estradiol (E2) blood test.  Start Clomid on day 5 and take through day 9.

May 5th
Ultrasound and E2 blood test.  Not ready, follicles are too small.


May 7th
Ultrasound and E2 blood work.  Still not ready, come back tomorrow.


May 8th
Ultrasound & E2 blood work.  Finally ready!  Estrogen levels are dropping, so I must do the trigger shot today.

May 9th
Due to white blood cells in husband’s specimen they have to culture and can only do an ICI (intracervical insemination).  It’s fairly common to see some white cells in the specimen, but should there be an active infection they don’t want to put that directly into my uterus.  Counts were 51 million.  Start progesterone suppositories and the infamous 2 week wait (2WW) commences.

Receipt for the pregnancy tests I just *had* to take

May 23rd
It’s time for my pregnancy blood test.  It comes back positive, but only at a 7.  They want levels to be 50 usually.  Come back in 2 days for a re-test.


May 25th
Pregnancy blood test #2.  Negative.  Levels have dropped to 5 instead of rising.  It’s not a viable pregnancy. 


“I’m sorry.”


We were so close.  All the components that needed to meet and work did – but it didn’t last.  My ever-optimistic side says “it sucks but it’s ok; at least it worked and my body knows how to naturally terminate when something is wrong.  We’ll get it next time!”  So, OK, let’s do this again.


Cycle #2


May 31st
Baseline ultrasounds & E2 blood test.  Lining is a 5, 6 small follicles.  All quiet and good.  Start Clomid on day 5 and take through day 9.

June 9th
Ultrasound and E2 blood test.  I need to start estrogen patches because my lining isn’t thick enough at a 3.  2 follicles: one is a 19 and the other a 14.  2 patches of Minivelle in the evening for 2 days.

June 11th
Ultrasound & E2 blood work.  2 follicles at 21, 1 at 14, few small.  Lining is now a 6.  Do trigger shot tonight.

June 13th
IUI (intrauterine insemination), counts at 36 million … start progesterone suppositories and the 2 week wait begins.


June 27th
Pregnancy blood test.  Negative.

“We’re sorry.”


I’m upset but we decide to move forward.  There’s no reason to think this shouldn’t work.  We’ll get ‘em next time.


Cycle #3


July 2nd
Baseline ultrasound.  We’re changing medication, no need for blood work this cycle.  Start Femara on day 5 and take through day 9.


July 12th
Ultrasound.  Lining is a 9, 2 follicles that are 20 with 5 small.  Trigger shot tonight!





July 14th
IUI…61 million; great count.  You know the drill: progesterone suppositories and the 2 week wait begins.

************************************************************************

That brings us to today.  Tuesday.  July 26th.  Day 12 of this cycle.  I had my blood drawn at 8:30am and same-day results calls start around 1pm.  It was 1:20pm, and my phone rang.

“I’m sorry.  It’s negative.”

************************************************************************

I've lost an ovary; I've lost a tube.  I've had my innards flushed, snaked, and scoped in the most intimate of places.  Several times.  I've been poked more times in the past 9 months than I have in my entire life.  I feel like a human pin cushion.  I joke that each doctor visit is a visit to the Vampires.  So why isn't this working yet?

************************************************************************

There are days I want to talk all about the process – verbal diarrhea to get it all out and have someone to share this experience with.  Other days I don’t want anyone to ask me one damn thing about it because I’m tired, I’m sad, and I’m angry.


Today is one of those days where I’m feeling both.  I want everyone to know and understand what I just heard on the phone, what we just went through only to fail again – and I want someone to tell me it will be OK.  I want your sympathy so that I know someone else can see the sadness I’m feeling.  But at the same time I also don’t want your pity because it makes me feel that much worse. 


Confused yet?  Me too.


If you have questions, feel free to ask.  Honest.  I welcome all the love, support, and prayers we can get during this.  But at the same time, just know that it might be one of those days that I don’t want to talk about the heartbreak I’ve experienced three times, and ask again another day.  Many of you won’t know what this is like, some of you will.  For those that don’t just try your best to put yourself in my shoes and formulate your support based on that.  I fully acknowledge that it’s a minefield you’re entering, but know how much I appreciate it.


This isn’t easy.  It’s expensive.  I’m exhausted.  But I’m determined.  The payoff will be so worth it.


For my fellow ladies out there who are on this ridiculous journey too – you aren’t alone.  One of the most isolating experiences in your life doesn’t have to be if you don’t want it to.  There are so many of us out there quietly riding that rollercoaster with you, hoping for our BFP, too.  Hang in there.  Be kind to yourself.  And do what’s best for you.


xoxo

The Bachelor - ep 8 & 9

Oy.  What a week!  Sorry for the silence last week, I unexpectedly had surgery on Tuesday and was out of commission for 5 days.  I did have time to catch up on last week's episode, though, while on bed rest.  Hometowns.  What a mess. 


1) Caila smiled her way through the week (again - her cheek muscles have got to be tired by now)
2) Baby Voice Amanda's kids had a meltdown that all but sealed her fate as the reject du jour
3) Lauren had wine stained teeth again (maybe stay away from the reds for a bit, eh?)
4) JoJo's brothers are Grade A Douches.  What assholes!!!  And her mom's plastic surgery was distracting to look at. 


In the end, Amanda was sent packing.  Sorry not sorry - one more day of the voice and I would throw her off a cliff.


That's the most I can muster for last week - let's move on to this week!!


Fantasy Island
The Fab Four head to Jamaica, mon for some R&R and whoopee.  The producers must not have checked the weather before booking, it looked abysmal.  Cloudy, windy, rainy.  Not exactly a tropical paradise.


Date #1: Caila
Talk about AWKWARD.  Ben picks her up and throws her on a makeshift raft with Tom Sawyer to paddle down some swamp.  They literally said no words to each other the entire ride - here we see them riding:

Silence is golden, amirite?

 

Still riding ...

Could the gondolier at least sing a song or something?

And riding, and not talking, some more:

Did the producers make sure their mics were on?

They go to dinner, Caila professes her love for him, and he just nods his head and musters a half-assed smile.  They go to the fantasy suite as fireworks explode outside their door.  Good thing they weren't planning on getting much sleep!


Date #2: Lauren
All aboard to turtle island! 

Ben and Lauren got to assist with the release of hatchlings which warmed my cold, bitter heart to the core. 

And I quite literally teared up watching them all grunt across the sand toward the open water, where they'll hopefully be safe and live long lives!

It's a truly beautiful thing ... *sniff*

They have dinner, Lauren drops the L bomb too -- and in a surprising, rule-breaking, turn of events Benji says is back!!!  WHAT?!  It was the most real moment I think I've ever seen on the show, and was really sweet.  They grabbed the fantasy suite card and made a run for it.


Date #3: JoJo
One if by land, two if by sea.  Production mixed things up a little and sent them on their date in a helicopter instead of by boat.  Good call. 

They land at a pretty waterfall, swim, and *SURPRISE!* JoJo is in love too.  In an actual surprise, Ben reciprocates again.  Her reaction was so cute -- shocked and surprised with a "Are you allowed to say that?" thrown in.  Dinner and private room await.


Next day Ben is chilling at his suite trying to figure out what the actual F he's going to do.  He really likes Caila, but he has said he loves the other 2.  Just as he's pondering his dilemma smiling Caila shows up to surprise him!

No time like the present to drop the news that she's not The One and send her home.  Lots of tears, lots of hugs, and yet she still looked like she was smiling.  What emotion are you feeling??  I can't tell!! 


Rose Ceremony
Anticlimactic but here are the Final Two:

 They both get the feeling Ben's professed his love for the other too, so the finale should be interesting.  They offer up toasts to love, and it felt like "Bridesmaids" where they uncomfortably try to one-up each other.  It all ended with this gem:

Cheers, bitch

That about sums it all up!  Next week we have the "Women Tell All" (hands down my favorite episode each season!!) and then in 2 weeks we have the Finale.  I can't wait!!


For the record, I'm team JoJo all the way.  See you next time!

2/16/16: The Bachelor - ep 7

Hello!  What a weekend high - Jade & Tanner's wedding in a special 2-hour event on Sunday.  As if you didn't have better things to do.  Pretty wedding, but a lot of random alums there -- and what's in the water?!  Everyone is pregnant!  I'll take a glass if you're offering ... just sayin'.  ;)


We regrouped with the final 6 ladies in Ben's hometown of Warsaw, IN.  A couple of dates to get through, so let's roll.




1:1 Date #1
The flight attendant with the insane cheekbones got the first one-on-one date.  They drove around town in a vintage pick up truck, and Lauren B. apparently wasn't worried about a seatbelt because she sat in his pocket the entire time.  Law breaker.  And annoying.


They drove past Ben's high school, and then went to a youth activity center that he volunteers at to play some hoops with the kids.  Throw in a few Pacers for date cred, and that about covers it. 


LB got this little Hitler's seal of approval:

Sorry, but either he got smacked it the face with a basketball / was sucking on a pen or marker / or ???  Either way it looks a little too much the Furher.  Don't pretend to be shocked - you were thinking it too.




1:1 Date #2
JoJo!  Ben meets up with Joelle in Chicago for a little Cubs action.  They got Wrigley Field all to themselves, including dinner after running the bases and screwing with the scoreboard.  Not like someone won't have to come behind them and fix it, right?  I will say it was a really cute touch to have "Mrs. Higgins" monogrammed on the back of her jersey -- I really like her -- hint at how this all ends, maybe??

Group Date
Caila, Becca, and Baby Voice Amanda go for a canoe ride and then wander around a random farm for some quality chat sessions.  This was the only date with a rose on the table (literally & figuratively!) and BVA clinched it.  As the rest of the gals went back to their lake house Ben and Amanda got to hit the town for some alone time!  Where did Ben take her?  The golden arches, of course.  *Probably not many other options to choose from in swinging Warsaw.

They worked the drive thru and noshed on some fries.  Good to know his wife has a job lined up for her when they move to his city, and if the minimum wage hikes go through I just might join her!

1:1 Date #3

This goes to Twin Emily.  Ben's so unsure of her that he drags his mom and dad into the mix to vet her out and give the thumbs up/thumbs down.  Her naivety and youth do not impress, and she ends her date getting dumped on the dock of the bay.  Not as big a hit as "Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay" ... but it plays well in this situation.

Rose Ceremony
No cocktail party, since he's seen each of these gals enough this week.  We have 3 roses to hand out and unfortunately Becca comes up short.  Not sure what she was expecting, she's as cold as a fish and doesn't seem to have any range of emotions.  She did cry in her ride of shame away, but TBH she seems like she'll bounce right back (again).




Next week we head to hometowns!  See you then :)

The Bachelor - ep 5 & 6

Happy Tuesday!  You’re in for a treat: a Bachelor double header!  I neglected you last week, so today it’s 2 for 1 Happy Hour J

Last Week

The crew went to Mexico to look for El Chapo.  J/K – he was still busy hiding in the jungle with Sean Penn when this was filmed.  They did go to Mexico, however, and learned to butcher some Spanish language and some Spanish cuisine.  Ole!  The first one-on-one date had Ben knocking on the hotel room doors at some ungodly hour like 4am to drag Baby Voice Amanda out on the town for nothing other than a hot air balloon ride !!!  The first of the season!  Of course she looked like she had been awake for hours with makeup and hair did, whereas the rest of the ladies looked more realistic:

Just kidding - here's what they really looked like:

The group date involved pairing off to cook a dish at a popular Mexican restaurant, and Jubilee slayed!  Figuratively, of course – unlike Twin 2 Emily who had murder on her mind.  Watch your back ladies.

 

After, there was a group cocktail party where Jubilee had an epic tailspin – she refused to hold Ben’s hand, cried about the connection she felt to him, and it all culminated in her getting dumped.  Just as well, she had some attitude problems and lipstick issues.  Girl needs to learn how to apply it; it always seemed to cluster in the corners of her mouth.  Eww.

 

The second 1:1 date included Mexico City Fashion Week!  This would have been a fun date to be on, no lie.  At first Ben and Amanda H. thought they just got be backstage watching the prep, but then got thrown in feet first to actually be in the show!  Jealous, I admit.  Amanda did a decent job for being an awkward human, and Ben channeled his inner Zoolander to unleash Steel Blue on the catwalk. 

 

The Goblin King would have been proud (RIP). 

Surprisingly, there was no commercial tie-in for Zoolander 2 with this date – missed opportunity.

 

Rose ceremony where everyone threw Olivia under the bus.  She’s not that terrible of a person, right?  I mean, she’s only a little crazy thinking her and Ben have some secret love language; she was only J/K’ing when she said Baby Voice Amanda reminded her of a “Teen Mom” episode (hilarious!); and then there's her all-around confidence arrogance.  Ok, maybe she’s the worst.  She had a rose going in but during some DT with Benji her name came up in a not-so-flattering light, so he pulled her aside before doling out the roses.  We were left on a To Be Continued cliff hanger until this week …

 

This Week!

Let’s finish up the Rose Ceremony.  Olivia charmed her way back into good graces, so we were able to proceed.  The unlucky one to get sent home (remember we already said goodbye to Jubilee): Jennifer.  Non-descript brunette.  Not much air time.  Also hated Olivia.

 

Ben toasted his “unique” group of women (he can say that now that there is only 1 Twin left) and got the pleasure of telling them they are on their way to the Bahamas next.

 

1:1 Date

The first one went to Caila, the smiling Polynesian Princess.  (TBH: I don’t remember her ethnic heritage, but with her tan on she looks like she could be Polynesian – maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong.  Details.)  Leah (non-descript blonde with strong eyebrow game – also hasn’t gotten much air time) was royally pissed because she hasn’t even gotten one 1:1 date with him and yet this is Caila’s second.  Sucks to be her. 

Ben took Caila deep sea fishing and then to dinner.  It seemed like all signs were pointing to a break up at dinner, but then somehow Caila’s gentle dumping turned a 180 and she got a rose.  Confused?  Yes, so am I.  And so is Ben.

 

Group Date

All aboard to pig island!  Not kidding.  There is an island where wild pigs swim in the ocean and get fed hot dogs by tourists.  Interesting.  The women all screamed like sharks and stingrays were lunging for them, which got a little old.  Ben played favorites with Lauren B. and through the magic of sight all the other girls saw it.  He got the feels for making the date uncomfortable, and it only got worse during their happy hour.  Leah decided her best strategy was to take LB down a peg or two and say she’s two faced; no one else seemed to know what she was talking about as Lauren sobbed on their shoulders and even Ben was left scratching his head.  He took the path of least resistance and gave the rose to Baby Voice Amanda. 

 

Leah wasn’t done yet.  She got all gussied up and marched to Ben’s room for some alone time.  You’d think someone who was just bitching about never getting him to herself would use this opportunity to the fullest and make it amazing.  That light bulb was burnt out, I think, because she did the opposite and used that time to further trash talk Lauren B.  Ben was having enough of that, and not enough of a spark with Leah, so sent her home.  No one was surprised but her.  Sad face.

 

2-on-1 Date

The most loathed night for the contestants, but the most anticipated night for the viewers!  This date had Olivia pitted against Twin 2 Emily.  They braved what appeared to be a mild tropical storm to sit on a beach and have wine.  Ben spent time alone with each, kissed Olivia, played with Emily’s hair – and then it was time to hand out the rose.  Twist: Olivia got sent home.  I was surprised; I thought she had at least another 2 weeks left, but Ben’s cray-dar went off and he left her up to her kankles in sand while Emily got the rose!

 

Rose Ceremony

A super tan OG announced that the bachelor was exhausted and decided to cancel the cocktail party.  We head straight to the rose ceremony.  To keep track, Caila Amanda, and Emily all have roses.  There are 3 to hand out tonight, but 4 girls to choose from.  The non-chosen one: Lauren H.  She’s very sad, but I like to look at the glass half full and say at least she got a few days in the Bahamas before going home!  Seems like a win to me!

 

No word on where we’re headed next, but we got some teasers for the rest of the season.  Drama, drama, and more drama.  We’re given hints that Ben pulls a Mesnick in the 4^th quarter and changes his mind on who he proposes to.  At least it looks like he did it before the “After” special – we’ll see what happens.

 

And Sunday, in honor of St. Valentine’s Day, ABC is airing a special on Jade and Tanner’s wedding to celebrate their 20^th season on air!  They say it’s a surprise wedding, but I read about it in People or TMZ last week – the cats out of the bag.  Still looks fun, so I’ll be tuning in! 

 

Catch you next week!

1/26/16: The Bachelor - ep 4

Happy Tuesday!  Dear friends I apologize for the lack of update last week, I was dealing with some health crap that had me out of comish for the early part of the week.  However, while laid up I OF COURSE watched last week’s episode – it’s nice to see that Lace had a brief moment of self-awareness and left with a little bit of dignity.  I don’t remember who else departed, but I think it was Russian Roulette Shushanna and Canadian Jami.  Doesn’t matter, really.  Let’s get to this week.

 

We are greeted with OG bright and early to tell us the Bachelor has defected and made a run for it while he can.  Half kidding, he’s still on the show but he did head out to Sin City; the bevy of beauties join him via PJ.  So posh!

 

1:1 Date numero uno

Ben takes JoJo out on the rooftop of their hotel to have her practically get blown away by the incoming helicopter.  Not sure how the producers didn’t know to anchor the table and breakables – this isn’t their first heli rodeo.  Bygones, they make out a little while the rest of the gals watch from the hotel room and then climb aboard.  I don’t really know what they did on their ride as we cut away to the next date card.  We then rejoined B & J as they sit down to a relaxing convo via candlelight.  Word of the day: moments.  They had lots of them, talked about lots of them.  It should have been a drinking game.  Maybe their lackluster dialog was due to the fact that Ben was more interested in trying to free JoJo’s left wrist from shackles (thanks Kylie) of the infamous Cartier “Love” bracelet.  She threw some major side-eye at him while he fiddled with it – hilarious!  Get your own accessories, Benji.  Firework show above the skyline, rose delivered.

 

Group Date

Ben drags the rest of them (minus Becca) to some muppet ventriloquist show on the Strip.  Here they are told they are going to be the opening act that evening, so pick the worst costume you can off the rack and try to find some talent in the next 2 hours!  Olivia was unsuccessful and did the worst cake surprise/showgirl dance anyone has ever seen.  Train wreck – and cue the meltdown.  She basically had turets the rest of the date while in full on panic mode that this would send her home.  Ben seemed to be losing patience with her newfound insecurity – but maybe he was just afraid of drowning in massive tears from her giant eyeballs.  Some brown haired girl got the rose (I think).

 

1:1 Date #2

Becca gets a special delivery of a wedding dress, gets picked up by Elvis in a pink Cadillac, and joins Ben at the Little White Chapel.  He proposes they unite to join others in holy matrimony – surprise!  He got ordained!  I’d rather have Joey be my ministainer then be married by these giggling goons, but that’s personal taste I guess.  They squee and have a great time.  Rose delivered.

 

Just as we think we’re going to head to the cocktail party we get a curve ball when Harrison comes in and says Ben has requested a special Two-on-One date with the twins!  Emily/Haley looked like she shit her pants, but they quickly pull themselves together and head out.  Lest we forget, the Twins are from Las Vegas so it didn’t come as any surprise that Ben brought them back home to mom’s house so he could meet her and try to decide between the two.  We were greeted with about 10 dacshunds, PUPPIES!!!  Sorry, but my allegiance is almost always with the animals who make rare appearances on the franchise than with any human involved (OG excluded – mrowr!)  Ben tours each sister’s room, and visits with mom.  Emily threw Haley under the bus regarding how many feels they each have for Ben, and that power move paid off.  We bid adieu to Haley and rejoin the rest of the cast for the cocktail party.

 

Twinning!

Rose Ceremony

Olivia is persona non grata with the remaining ladies due to her incessant need for Ben’s attention and affirmation, and how pushy she is every time to get it, but the girls Teflon.  I had to FF through most of the chattering because I hate the sound of all the kissing and the fact that it slowly kills my brain cells.  The gist: Jubilee is still alienating herself from the group (bipolar maybe?), Caila never stops smiling (even when frowning or throwing shade), and Amanda is still talking in a baby voice.  In the end we said goodbye to Rachel and her over groomed eyebrows (but that dress was fierce!) and Amber.  Thank goodness – if I had to listen to Amber and her insecurities one more time I was going to barf. 

 

Next week we’re going to Mexico!  Jubilee gets into a heated moment with Ben that I’m very much looking forward to, and I can’t wait to see how long Emily (the last standing Twin) lasts. 

See you then!

1/13/16: The Bachelor - ep 2

Hi friends!  Sorry for the delay; watched the episode late Monday and wasn't ready to post yesterday.  However, you've waited long enough.  Let's dig in :)




Group Date #1
Ben took the ladies back to high school for some learnin'.  Some of these chicks need refresher courses on basic skills (reading, geography, etc) so maybe this inspired them to pursue higher basic education.  They started with a science experiment playing with volcanoes, moved on to bobbing for apples (a stretch tying this in to the episode - it was set in the cafeteria), then went to geography.  Oh dear lord, this is what happens when you don't have to look at a paper map anymore to get places.  The girls had to identify Ben's hometown state, Indiana, from a pile of shapes and then successfully place it on a blank map of the USA.  Not hard IMO, but you be the judge:


Find the state ... that's Idaho you're holding ... sideways ... like a gun



The red outline is where Indiana actually is ... Indiana is making a run for the coast!

The blue shape, also sideways, is where Becca and JoJo thought IN is.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  Silver lining: as Ben said "if we were trying to find Pennsylvania you'd be pretty close!"  HAHAHA

After Geography for the Insane (or Inane) the final 2 ladies standing had to compete in track hurdles.  The winner: Mandi with an I.  Her prize: a letter jacket, a crown from Claire's, and a victory lap around the track field.

I'm over it.  Moving on.

We pan back to the house to find the rest of the girls sitting around waiting for a date card.  Olivia (1st Impression Rose winner) cannot contain her glee at anticipating her name on said card. 

Whoa! 

Just slightly reminiscent of this little guy:

The eyes ... *shudder*

A little too enthusiastic, but this is the first 1:1 date card - so I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.  Well, I did until it morphed into this face:

Not unlike some of my favorite "celebrities without teeth" pics.  If you aren't familiar I highly recommend you shuffle over to Google (after finishing this, of course) and spend a good 30 mins laughing at those photos.  Priceless!!  Here's a taste:

HAHAHAHA!!!

Shake it off, we've got a date to go on.  Much to Olivia's surprise she didn't get it; Caila (the boyfriend dumper) did!  Along for the ride (and a not so coincidental movie plug) Ice Cube and Kevin Smith:

They crashed the date and actually made it pretty darn hilarious -- bargained a street vendor for some flowers, went to a liquor store for Hennessey and condoms, and then got cozy on the hot tub showroom floor to give some bubbles a test drive!  Not the worst date, and actually seemed like a lot of fun with those guys around!  Caila got the rose, and we go back to the house.

Group Date #2

Olivia's face scared me again:

AHHHH!

Chillax. You're one of the like 50 ladies on this group date.  Good for you.  They find themselves in the offices of Dr. Love, ready to sweat it out (while Ben did a blind smell test) and get judged by a professional.  To make everyone uncomfortable, the girls had to watch each other's thermal chemistry with Ben one by one.

I can't really tell what's going on here, but Olivia got a score of 74/100 regarding compatibility with Ben.  Her head is about to turn into a Macy's Thanksgiving balloon, and the rest of the girls are queuing up for the padded room (already!)  Because of her score she secured the rose.  Lace continued to make a fool of herself, interrupting others and trying to convince Ben she's not always drunk.  I'll believe it when I see it.  Side bar: Sammie was told she smells "sour".  Duly noted.

Cocktail Party

Olivia pissed people off, spending time with Ben despite the fact she's already safe; Lauren H. made a good impression and got a blue ribbon; and Lace got drunk.  Again.  And she cried, again.

Pull yourself together, woman!

While Ben was making the rounds I spotted a hot glue gun on the table - I got excited thinking that the producers or set folks forgot to move it after some last minute repairs -- but alas it was so Benji could make some hair clips for baby-voice Amanda's daughters.  Thoroughly disappointed.

They each made one, but not using the same plastic roses.  One is bigger than the other, and if her kids are anything like my sister and I were she's in a world of pain when they realize one got a bigger flower than the other.  Consider yourself warned.

Rose Ceremony

Lauren "LB" sent herself home after not feeling the cray in the house; stinky Sammie, Mandi with an I, and Jackie all got the stanky boot.  Somehow Lace survived another week being a hot mess, slurring her way through dates and interviews alike.  Not sure how that happened, but maybe she's only there because Ben knows he can easily cut her later on.  We shall see.

Tune in next week for DRAMA -- it's been promised, I'm cautiously optimistic OG will come through.