Project Baby: 11:33am

Well guys, the phone call came.  And it was not the good news we were all hoping for.

Negative. 
Zilch. 
Nada. 

Disappointment doesn't begin to describe it.

We will be OK, we'll survive -- hell, we already did.  I just don't know what's next yet.  Actually, I do know what is next, I just don't know when it is.

If we were ready to jump into Cycle 2 that would start within 1 week; crazy right?  I would call when my period started and schedule my baseline ultrasound, get my prescription for Femara, and we'd be right back in the thick of it within 7 days.

BUT.

I still don't have a job, and we foot the bill for this 100% out of pocket.  I have bigger fish to fry right now.  This is a luxury we can't afford this month, so we're out for April unless we get a different kind of miracle.

I hope to be back at it in May, and whenever we do pick it up again I'll be right back here to document.  We have so many folks rooting for us that collectively there has to be enough good joo joo and prayers for Heaven to hear us.  Until then, you're welcome to stick around and see what else I might have cooking.  It's rarely dull in our house, and come hell or high water we won't be benched for long.

So put me in, Coach, I'm ready to play.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Light at the end of the tunnel

It's Monday night, just after 10pm.  The two week wait is almost over - the end is in sight.  My blood test is tomorrow at 7:40am -- made while I still had a job and didn't want to be late to work.  Now, jobless for the moment, I'm wishing I would have made the appointment for a little later in the morning LOL

I doubt I'll be able to go back to sleep when I get home - and that is going to make for a long day of waiting.  The results will start rolling out of their lab around noon - so anytime between 12pm and 4pm is when the phone call will come.  I'm so tired of waiting; actually, tired isn't the right word anymore: I'm weary.

It's been a long month filled with highs, lows, ups and downs.  We've done everything we're supposed to do.  I've been to every appointment, taken every pill, done the blood work and taken my shot.  But as I sit here tonight I'm not convinced it worked.  And that bums me out.

You read online about the women who "just know" that they are pregnant.  That intangible, indescribable feeling, intuition.  I've thrown the question out to the TTC chat boards - and not one woman could give me a better answer than "I just had a gut feeling I was pregnant".  Thanks, super helpful.  I am having none of those feelings that I can tell - strike one.

I've also failed in my quest to steer clear of the HPT (home pregnancy tests).  I peed in a cup yesterday evening and dunked 3 -- and then peed in a cup again tonight and dunked 2 more.  I don't see anything there that would give me a glimmer of hope to hang on to.  Line Eye kicks in after too much staring and you could swear you see something; but my most rational self chimes in and says "No, not this time."  Strike two.

So where does that leave me tonight?  Almost at the end of the road of Cycle 1, and not feeling very hopeful that there will be good news coming to me tomorrow.  I try to muster bravery; but I'm already cracking as I type.  I feel the tickle in my nose and the warmth of tears behind my eyes.  Maybe if I let some of the disappointment out now, the blow won't be so hard tomorrow.

I don't want to be a pessimist, but I also don't want to be naive.  I also never wanted this 'diary' to be a woe-is-me, 'take pity on me' project -- that wasn't the point or intention.  However, there is real emotion that goes along with this journey and that's part of the story.  So, I'll share that too.  I hope you won't mind, and I'll hope you'll still come back when we start Chapter 2.

For tonight, I will log off and get some sleep before my appointment (now only 9 hours and 14 mins away).  Either way the news goes tomorrow there will be a delay in posting the results - I want us to be able to share the final update with our parents first, and digest it ourselves before sharing with the world.  I will get the update online as soon as I'm ready - so trust that it will come and you will know soon enough as well.

Until then, I leave you with a photo of my dip strips from last night.  If you see something, say something - I will take all the hope I can get tonight.

Anyone?

xoxo

P.S. - thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and support this month.  We are so blessed and so appreciative to have so many people in our corner rooting for us.  It means the world.  💗

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Down the rabbit hole

It's Thursday and I'm reaching the limit of my patience and starting to obsess.  I warned you this would happen - and like clockwork here we are.

I'll let you in on my compulsion - just so you can get a glimpse at how all-consuming this Project can be for a woman who has been trying, trying, trying and hoping, hoping, hoping.  Here is the story of my shame ... lol

It started last night.  I went pee around 9:30pm and had a passing fancy to see if the pregnancy tests I had would even function correctly if I dipped it in the toilet.  Why?  Who knows!  Boredom maybe.  So, let's crack one open and dunk!  It did work - and to my not-surprised, but still disappointed, eyes there was no line to indicate pregnancy.  I was 6 DPO (days past ovulation) and my logical self reminds my crazy self that there is no way, in any realm of possibility, that any pregnancy test ANYWHERE would pick up the hormone yet.  But, I was still disappointed.  Why do I torture myself?  Good question.  I have no idea - sick sense of humor maybe?

So, I go to the internet.  Nothing good can come of internet "research" past 10pm -- and I was sucked into the rabbit hole of community chat boards and online countdown tools.  Oh boy (or girl!)

There is one site in particular that I have gone to many (many) times to look at other people's pregnancy tests and click on DPO to see what symptoms I should be looking for.  It could be a very helpful site for normal folks ... I am not one of them, though.  You can enter your cycle information, capturing dates tracking your cycles.  Helpful.  Then there are calculators to give you every date you might want to know: peak fertile days, estimated implantation date, due date, and even a Chinese gender predictor that takes your age and month of ovulation and spits out what gender your fictitious baby will be.  Not so helpful ... but, oh, so addicting.

Of course I looked at them all and 'tested' them out.  And they fed right into my hopes and dreams that this will be the cycle that works.  First was the implantation calculator:

Based on 3/15/18 being the date my egg was released into the wild it says Saturday is the most common day to expect implantation to occur.  That's still 2 days away - so no wonder I didn't see any line on the dunked-in-the-toilet test strip!  Don't panic yet - it's just too early.  (I can talk myself into a lot of things LOL)

Then there is the due date calculator.  I'll give some backstory first to go with this one - again, just so you can see how my mind and emotions spin and whip into a frenzy.  About 18 months ago my sister had a medium/healer/etc over to her house to meet with her, our mom, and me.  We believe in mediums and that there are some people who can bridge the gap between the physical and spiritual worlds -- to each their own, but it brings me joy and comfort so I do believe it.  My primary questions/concerns were around having children and during my reading I was given a timeline of 2 years and that there is a baby girl waiting for us.  Two years seemed like a long ways away - the reading was in December 2016 so that would put us in December 2018.  I've often thought of that day and experience and it planted the hope and faith that parenthood would indeed happen for us - one day.  It's a nice feeling to have hope.

Ok, so back to last night, looking at the due date calculator.  I see it as an optional tool to use and say to myself  "oh, why not?  It'll be fun!  Let's just pretend!"  So I plug in the date of ovulation based on my trigger shot timing etc and it spits out an estimated due date:

I'd be due in December 2018.  Immediately I think of the words and messages from that reading in Dec 2016 -- that's 2 years.  Wow - wouldn't that be cool???!!!

Then I see the Chinese Gender Predictor and again say to myself "oh, why not?  It'll be fun!  Let's just pretend!"  So, plug in my age at time of ovulation/fertilization (33) and select the month that it happened in (March).  Here is the gender prediction:

Again, I think of the words and messages from the reading in Dec 2016 -- there's a baby girl for us on the other side.   This tool is predicting to give us a girl (and the site says it's over 75% accurate so it must be true).  Wow - spooky.

I tell Dave my nuggets of intel and he sweetly humors me; agreeing that it's interesting and yes, that would be cool.  He's not one to get his hopes up because the letdown is that much worse.  I totally get it - but if I don't have hope and get a little excited that this time is our turn I'd be putting that negative energy into the universe and could contribute to failure.  I can't have that - I need to believe that it's possible.

So here we are.  5 days away from the blood test still.  And I can't help myself.  It would be amazing, it would be thrilling, it would be so cool if she was right.  In 5 days I'll know the answer for sure - one way or the other - and the definitive nature of having an absolute answer to this very big question is scary.  So for the next 5 days I will hold on to the hope that this is our time, it's our turn, this could really happen for us.

I like this rabbit hole - it's what I need right now.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: TWW

Sorry, I forget that not everyone is part of the TTC community sometimes.  TTC stands for "trying to conceive".  There is a lot of lingo and a lot of acronyms you learn when you aren't blessed with "luck" while trying to get pregnant.  TTC, TWW, BD, AF.... LOL

Since you're honorary members of this community by declaration of ... well, me ... I will now teach you the language.  Here are the most common, not in alphabetical order because I am wild like that:

TTC
Trying to conceive: trying to get pregnant

BD
Baby dancing: making woopee; sex

Sticky Beans
Fertilized egg that you hope will implant in the uterine lining

AF
Aunt Flo: menstrual cycle; the period.  The bane of a woman's existence while TTC.

BFN
Big Fat Negative: negative pregnancy test.  Also an arch enemy while TTC.

BFP
Big Fat Positive: positive pregnancy test

DPO
Days past ovulation: pretty self-explanatory

TWW
Two Week Wait: the time since ovulation or trigger shot before you should take a pregnancy test

And that's where we are right now.  The TWW.  My trigger shot was exactly one week ago today, and exactly one week from today is my pregnancy test at the doctor's office.  It's the shortest-longest wait in history.

This first week went by quickly - there was a lot going on outside of PB to keep my mind occupied.  This next week is the hard part.  I've been here before.  I get cocky after Week One thinking "wow, this is easy - my doctor's appointment will be here in no time".  But, just when I feel confident in my patience and self-control is when my obsessive tendencies kick into high gear.  I'm far enough away from the trigger shot and 'active' phase of the cycle that I feel like something should be happening and that it should be time to start feeling something if it worked.  And I'm far enough away on the other side from the blood test to get impatient and want to "just see" if it all worked this time.

It's especially dangerous for me this round as I have a box of 50 pregnancy test strips just sitting in my bathroom - ready to go.  I don't know why I torture myself like this; it's far too soon to test and either I'll get discouraged or prematurely ecstatic.  It's a Catch 22.

It's too soon to test at home for several reasons.  First is that I'm only 5 DPO (testing your language retention here!) and I have not yet metabolized the trigger shot.  If you remember, the trigger shot is made up of HCG - the same hormone that is measured in pregnancy tests.  I'd get a BFP if I took one right now and that would not even be close to being accurate.  The rule of thumb is 1 day per 1,000 USP units of HCG.  Since my dose was 10,000 USP it will take me 10 days to flush it from my system.

The second reason it would be too early to test at home would apply even if we were doing this the old fashioned, unassisted way.  I'm still only 5 DPO and according to some handy charts I found online a fertilized egg isn't even implanted in my uterus yet -- so no test would pick up on a pregnancy.  Here's an example of said illustration:

I've charted my cycle on here so you can see where I'm at.  Well, let's be honest - I customized this to my cycle so each day I can open this chart and visualize what my body is doing.  I've heard visualization is a good tool; and as I've mentioned before, I am willing to try just about anything in case it works.

So, today was Day 5: early blastocyst.  The next two days are late-stage and implantation would start Friday into Saturday.  Sunday is Day 10.  It is going to take all the will-power I have to not take one of the 50 pregnancy tests sitting in my bathroom.  I don't know if I'll make it; if I don't I will let you know my shame LOL  If I do, I'll let you know my victory!  Until then I will keep marching ahead for the last leg of this TWW hoping for my BFP.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: TGIF

Happy Friday!  It's been a week.

In non-baby specific news, I lost my job yesterday.  On the most basic level, it sucks - we aren't independently wealthy so we need both incomes to pay the bills.  On a truer level to my heart: I am relieved.  I have been really unhappy and stressed at my job for the past 6 months, and I felt freer and lighter yesterday than I have in a long time.  I didn't even cry - which for me is really saying something.  I know that I will find another job soon; I am smart and have a great background of experience.  I see this as a time to reinvent what I want my working life to be like, and I'm embracing the door that has been opened for me.

OK, back to what we're all here for.  Project Baby.  It's Friday.  We "baby danced" as instructed yesterday morning ... 5am was really early for that kind of exercise.  Nothing like setting an alarm for sex!  So today now starts Luteal Phase Support.

Google definition from www.webmd.com

Image from www.babymed.com

As stated above, the luteal phase is the final stage in the menstrual cycle.  It's after ovulation and when the egg would be fertilized and looking to implant in the uterine lining.  It's crucial for pregnancy support to have progesterone be at the right level to support implantation.  So, to ensure I have the hormones I need to, I have to supplement with progesterone vaginal suppositories.  You read that correct - I need to stick some pills up in my nethers for the next two weeks.  

Since we've been through this process before, this isn't new and I knew it was coming.  However, that doesn't make it any more exciting.  I have to insert the pills twice daily.  They are a gel tablet consistency, and the outer casing dissolves.  Meaning: I'm oozing the contents that don't get absorbed.  Lovely, right?

From my experience the pills come in two colors: bright, neon yellow or a rusty pink.  Neither are natural, normal colors for secretions so both are slightly alarming at first.  This time I got the rusty pink ones - time to pad up.

 

First dose is in, and every 12 hours for the next 12 days you'll find me in the bathroom.  This is the last 'active' part of this first cycle; the last 24 (now 23) actions I can execute that give me a sense of control over this process.  That control is just an illusion, I know - our fate is in God's hands now and whatever is meant to happen will happen.

So, again, I ask: Jesus, take the wheel.  I want to enjoy the scenery on this trip, so it's time for you steer this ship.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Badabing

Warning: long needles ahead (leave now or scroll fast if squeamish) and some sex talk - calm down, it's how we all got into this world.

I am very close with my mom and sister.  We're the Three Musketeers and have been together for a very long time.  They have built my foundation and hold me up, with Dave as the reinforcement and protection.  Without them I don't know who or where I would be, and I am reminded each day just how damn lucky I am to have them all in my life.

The three of us have a long-standing date each week for Champagne Tuesday.  We get together after work, have dinner (home cooked meals by Momma cannot be beat), we watch our favorite show, we have champagne (of course!), and we have a lot of laughs.  I love our dates!  And just because the trigger shot day falls on Tuesday will not get in the way of our tradition ☺  Have shot, will travel!

The trigger shot is 10,000 units of HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) and will tell my follicle(s) to release the egg(s) they have been cultivating for the past week and a half.  This medication comes in brand name (Novarel) or generic (Pregnyl).  The brand name was very low on stock last time we did this, so they've been stocking the generic instead.  Makes no difference whatsoever, and still costs $111.  You read that right - $111 for one shot, for one month.  You can bet I handled it with great care; whoever thought to pack it in glass vials has a sick sense of humor.

The $111 gets you the one vial of HCG and one vial of a sterilized solution to reconstitute it; the HCG comes as a dehydrated white powder that dissolves and mixes with the sterile solution into a clear liquid for intramuscular injection.

The trigger comes with very specific instructions from the doctor's office: must be administered between 6-8pm.  I left work about a quarter after 5 o'clock yesterday and rushed home to shower and change, getting to my mom's right around 6:30.  I realized once I got there that I wasn't entirely confident in how much of the sterile solution to mix with the HCG - yes we've done this before, but that momentary panic of doubt hit me.  I can't mess this up, we have one chance to get this part of the process correct.  Thankfully there is always a doctor on-call from our clinic, so a quick phone call to the 24 hour answering service and I had a call back in less than 5 minutes.  Even though it comes with 10ml of soluction, 1ml is all I need.  OK, perfect.  I can do this.

Since it was Champagne Tuesday, hubby got off the hook from administering this shot.  Made him nervous and sweaty just thinking about it last time we did this, so I think we were both relieved.  LOL  My mom stepped up to the plate, and my sister came along to document. Time to prep.

The Pregnyl HCG, alcohol prep pads, needles, and a sharps container for disposal

Since I had my squad to help, I have a series of photos to walk you through the process at a very high level (disclaimer: for education purposes only and not to be considered instruction; talk to you health care provider for real instructions)

Preparing the shot takes about 10 minutes, and yes I was shaking.  But it's ready, so I need to be ready.

I had my nurse on Monday circle the proper location for the injection site, and she happily obliged (even giving me two options - one on each side).  They thankfully use permanent marker, so it doesn't wash off easily and stayed through showering.  Hence the bulls-eye on my butt!

This shot is painful for me.  Not so much the needle, it's the HCG itself.  It burns.  And it leaves a sore spot that is tender for a day or two.  I'm sure some women don't bat an eye, but for me it lingers.  However, in no time at all it's done and in -- hooray!  (And thank you again to both my girls for helping; it really does take a village!)

Since this starts ovulation, it's very important to have some sperm there to meet up with the egg when it's released.  So, as you could guess, we needed to make whoopee last night.  These are also very specific directions from the doctor's office on what dates and times to "get busy".  We have to do it after the trigger shot and then again Thursday morning (in lieu of insemination this time around we're trying it the old fashioned way for a cycle).  Thursday is going to be a very early morning.

This is when sex can feel like a job, versus the loving experience between husband and wife it should be.  When it gets to be scheduled and regimented it can take the personal connection out of it - so for us it's important to make that much more of an effort and to still enjoy the experience.  I've heard this from so many couples trying to conceive, but especially those going through ART too.  There are deadlines, due dates, and schedules to work with and it can take the fun out of it.  If you're going through this know you aren't alone - and try to find ways to bring it back to just you two.  You can put a lot of pressure on yourself when you think too much, so try to slow down and make the most out of it.

At any rate, we checked off our list of To Dos last night; gold stars for us. 

Badaboom.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Case of the Mondays

Ugh.  Daylight Saving Time is for the birds - it was so dark out this morning!  I dragged my tired ass out of bed and arrived to the doctor for my 7:15a appointment ☺

There were a few other patients in the waiting room today, but one couple in particular caught my attention.  They looked like they had been tossed on the loveseat and had been there for days.  The husband had his eyes closed, trying to catch a few winks while waiting for whatever was to happen next.  Made me laugh - I feel ya buddy.

Back to Room #2 - the Green Room.  I like the other light panels better, the ones with more colors.  These are getting a little putrid to look at.

Saddle up.  Today's ultrasound nurse was a no-nonsense worker, in and out with little talk or fanfare.  My lining is still at 6mm, so no better than yesterday (but that's slower to increase and there is still time for it to thicken more while waiting for fertilization to happen).  She only wanted to measure the 2 largest follicles today; my dominant is around a 17mm average diameter now, with the second largest at a 12mm.  I saw the other friends, though - they'll be the backup dancers to this months show.

My results today

I figured some pictures of what I see would be helpful, so went to the world wide web to pull some for reference (since I'm not allowed to record my own visits).  Here are a few to illustrate:

Endometrium - you can see a whitish line through the middle (from side to side), with what appears to be thicker gray bands on either side.  That is the endometrium lining and what the fertilized egg burrows into in the uterus.  (image from: http://www.fertilityclinicmumbai.com/iui/iui-how-to-proceed.html)

Follicles - each black dot is a follicle that is working within the ovary and might produce an egg.  The dotted lines usually measure the diameter of each black dot in both directions to provide the average mm size. (image from: http://www.fertilityclinicmumbai.com/iui/iui-how-to-proceed.html)

Dominant Follicle - The largest black circle is the dominant follicle - this will be the one that is most likely to produce an egg this cycle; you can see small ones to the left as well.  (image from: http://www.fertilityclinicmumbai.com/iui/iui-how-to-proceed.html)

Ok, now that you're all caught up we can get back to me (LOLs).  All done with the ultrasound, so I got dressed and the nurse came in to chat.  Another new (for this cycle) lady, and she was a hoot.  We talked about our plan (more details to come tomorrow on this, we've made some modifications as a couple) and she was totally on-board and supportive that we are in control of what happens.  That said, she wants my dominant to get just a little bigger still.   Trigger shot of HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) tomorrow night, timed intercourse book-ending it, and then luteal phase support starts on Friday...with vaginal suppositories.  My favorite.

We're in the thick of it now (no pun intended) and it's go time.  Please, Lord, let this work.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Deja vu

Sunday after Daylight Saving Time.  8am came really, really early.  Groggily I got up, got dressed, and left to head to the doctor.  Being so early on a Sunday morning I again expected a quiet waiting room.  It was the opposite, and from what I could tell based on staff and client mix there were a lot of egg retrievals going on today. 

I always wonder about strangers, what their lives are like and what their stories are - but especially so at the baby doctor.  I can tell the newbies from the veterans - if it's husband and wife in together with a stack of papers those are the new folks.  They are just starting and have no idea what lies ahead.  Not dissimilar from those of us who have been around the block before - but most of us fly solo on appointments these days.  There are too many for both partners to attend them all.  It's like having a part time job with on-call hours only. 

We're all linked in this same quest for children.  I have yet to see the same woman or couple twice, so haven't made any new friends.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  Sometimes when you have a problem or hardship you don't want to dwell on it and having a friend where that's the only thing you have in common could be consuming.  Still, it would be nice to be friendly with a couple in the same boat -- there are so many details and feelings that can be hard to convey to folks who haven't done this before.  But everyone keeps to themselves here, not a lot of chatter even among couples.  Nerves and anxiety equal silence.

With all the activity I had a longer than usual wait today.  Thankfully I didn't have anywhere else to be, so I just sat and listed to the music.  Being a medical facility they have a lot of equipment in use, and there are two table lamps in the waiting room that surge from time to time.  It's a subtle flickering, I imagine them sharing the same circuit as one of the high-perf machines; when that goes on these get stressed a little.  I wonder if anyone else who comes through this waiting room notices that they flicker sporadically?

Time to go back for my ultrasound.  Another new-to-me nurse today, she's really bubbly and seems like a chatter.  I like how friendly the staff are here, it makes it pleasant to come to appointments and you feel like they really do care about the success of your treatment.  We go to Room 5, first time in this room this time around!  There are no floral ceiling panels here, which is how I know I've been in it before.

Bright lights, big city

Time to look and see what I've been working on since yesterday's ultrasound.  Lining is measuring at a 6mm today (that's the minimum to provide ample depth for a fertilized egg to burrow into - yay!).  A few follicles to measure today:
1 = 16.1mm
2 = 11.2mm
3 = 11.4mm
4 = 10.6mm

Today's stats

So, the big one from yesterday didn't do much in a day, but I've now got 3 more that are measurable and could also produce eggs.  These are ones to watch as I might produce multiple eggs this cycle now.  There are a few smalls too, so the gang is all here.  Since none are still quite to 19mm, they want to see me again tomorrow.  We're going to go 3 for 3 and should have a definitive answer on when to trigger shot it up.  One more day.

So, here's to tomorrow.  And to all the couples that I saw this morning: I hope you get good news soon - I hope we all do.

xoxo


In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link:
https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Day 12

Day 12 of my cycle - meaning 12 days since my period first started.  Time for an ultrasound to see if I'm going to lay an egg.

These appointments are quick and easy, with just the usual level of invasiveness (which on our scale is like a 1; walk in the park).  It's Saturday morning so I don't expect the office to be too busy.  I get all checked in and wait to be called.

I've gotten so used to this waiting room I could make it my own office.  If only my work were that flexible!  They have nice lighting, plenty of seating, and decent musak to keep me mentally singing along, waiting the minutes away.  Finally, it's my turn.

Back in the Green Room today.  The dim lights and quiet hum of the sonogram equipment is soothing.  It's a new nurse today, haven't seen her before.  She jokes about having short arms and being all up in our lady business - oh honey, we're way past that.  But thanks for being apologetic anyway, makes me smile.

Same view, different day

Lay back, deep breath, here comes the probe.  Poke around at my endometrial (uterine) lining first to get a measurement.  Having been down this road before I know what numbers are the magic ones that mean "go time".  My lining is at 5.4mm -- that sounds a little low to me.  Mental note to discuss with the nurse after we're done.

Is that a probe in your hand or are you just happy to see me?  Bad joke, I apologize.

Time to peek at the follicles.  Remember back to Days 5-9 and I was taking Femara to stimulate egg production.  I've got one that's measuring at a 16mm, one at a 9mm, and a few small.  Dang it.  I know they're looking for them to be a bit larger, more "mature" before we trigger ovulation and release it to the wild to unite with hubby's swimmers.  I wanted to record the session but she said they don't allow it - unless I was doing a documentary but "I don't think you'd want to do that, this is a really personal thing."  She has no idea.  But, we're done now just as fast as we got started, I can get dressed, and wait for the nurse to come in to discuss.

As I suspected, my egg hasn't cooked enough yet.  The nurse wants to see me back at 815a tomorrow for another peek.  I'm 0.5mm away from a sufficient lining, so this will give me another 24 hours to boost that too.  Follicles can grow at a rate of 1mm or more every 24 hours, and we're hoping for a 19-21 ... really ripe and ready for the job.

Today's stats

So, time to shuffle back home and wait.  I'm good at waiting.  See you tomorrow.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link:
https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: A dollop of a polyp

Today is Day 10 of Cycle 1.  During our latest conference with our RE he wanted me to schedule a saline infused sonogram.  A SIS would give him an inside peek into the shape of my uterus and if there are any polyps or fibroids that could hinder my ability to get, and stay, pregnant.  There was a very specific window of time to complete this (between days 6-12 of my cycle) so the same day as my baseline ultrasound I scheduled this procedure.

My SIS happened on Tuesday.  I had no idea what to expect, and wasn't given any instructions beforehand.  I walked in blind, and boy I wish I would have looked it up first.  It was one of the most painful, uncomfortable procedures I've had done during this entire process so far.  That includes the HSG, all the shots, and all the blood work.

The procedure is relatively quick, and my discomfort was by no means a result of my doctor or nurse.  It was just a really uncomfortable process for me.  I had just finished my period, so had some residual spotting, but nothing of enough substance that would prohibit this from happening.  I got to the doctor's office, checked in, and was brought to the ultrasound room.  Undress from the waist down, and have a seat on the table.  The nurse will be back in a minute with my doctor.

Stirrups - so we meet again...with some fun Easter socks today!

The supplies for today's SIS neatly laid out for me to snoop on and photo LOL

They return and it's time to start.  A speculum is inserted, followed by a clamp to stabilize my cervix (have you ever had the insides of your body clamped to hold in place?  I could feel the pinch inside and it was so strange.  And it was very much a pinch.  I don't recommend it for recreation purposes); swab of iodine on the opening of my cervix to sterilize; sterilization of the catheter that will be inserted; then insertion of said catheter.  Up to now it's very similar to a pap smear - so far, so (relatively) good.

Diagram of a SIS pulled from: https://www.mireproductivemedicine.com/what-is-a-sonohysterogram/

Then comes time to inject the saline into my uterus.  I was told it was only approximately one tablespoon volume - but you could have told me it was a full 8 ounces and I would have believed you.  The cramping was immediate and it was intense.  It felt like the worst menstrual cramps I have ever had, but multiplied.  It wouldn't go away.  And then they needed to insert the transvaginal ultrasound wand.

Ultrasounds with this wand are not a day at the beach anyway; it's long, it's firm, and it's scoped out the most intimate parts of my reproductive system.  So, after being filled to capacity with saline, this is inserted right behind it.  To get the best images the nurse has to push on my abdomen at times -- it just goes from bad to worse.  I'm laying there trying to breath through it, and "suck it up", but I'm wishing this would be over.

My view as I lay on my back.  The light panel is different in this room than the last; this one is much more colorful!

Finally - we're done.  The instruments are removed one by one, and I can sit up.  The cramping is still intense and I just wish I could get up and leave.  But first, we need to evaluate the results.  The nurse pulls up my images and they discuss in soft tones what they saw.  There is a spot visible on one of my scans that they think might be a polyp.

A polyp is a small tissue growth (similar to finger shaped) that is the result of overactive endrometrium lining generation.  Mine appears to be on the right upper side of my uterus.

Image of normal SIS, the black triangle is the saline filled uterus
Photo from: http://www.advancedwomensimaging.com.au/saline-sono-hysterogram

Diagram of a uterine polyp - pulled from Mayo Clinic

The only way to treat polyps is via surgical removal.  Given that there is only one, my doctor is inclined to leave it be and monitor.  From the research I've done online the medical community seems split down the middle on whether it's believed that it could hinder pregnancy; my doctor believes in the grand scheme of things we needn't worry at this time.

So, the plan?  Continue.  Move forward.  We will try the 4 cycles, and re-evaluate (possibly including another SIS to see if it has grown or if more develop).  OK, I'm on board.

At this point I have to wonder what else could come up that would would increase my reproductive handicap.  I've only got one ovary, I've only got one Fallopian tube, I don't have regular periods, I don't ovulate on my own, I may or may not have good eggs left, and now I have a polyp.  I know things could be much worse -- but damn it they could also be so.much.better.

Every day I try to serve myself a healthy dose of optimism and hope.  Without that this process will never work - and failure is just not an option today.  Or any day.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link:
https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Poppin'

Pills.  I'm taking a lot.  Some are my every day regimen for health reasons, some are new from our RE, some are because I read about it online.  I'm up to 10 each day - small, medium, large, and extra large.

The troops reporting for duty

Pills #1-3 are my every day friends: Lexapro (thanks, generalized anxiety), Singulair (thanks, year-round allergies), and over the counter Zyrtec (did I mention I have allergies?).  These keep me feeling like the best version of me mentally and physically; it's nice to not have crippling anxiety and worries and it's nice to be able to breathe.  I really don't ask for much, folks.

My new every day include the following:
4. The latest Rx for Project Baby (right now we're still on Femara to rustle up an egg in the apparently empty basket that is my one, lonely ovary)
5. Prenatal gummy vitamins that have DHA and Folic Acid.  You should start taking these if you're even thinking about possibly trying to start getting pregnant - so they've been in my routine for awhile now.  Still waiting for the hair & nail bonus.
6. Fish Oil.  Gives me fishy burps - not my favorite.
7. Metformin.  Prescribed by RE as it is shown in studies to promote conception during ART (assisted reproductive technology) treatments.  I take this twice a day.
8. B12 - promotes healthy cell growth; allegedly can help improve egg quality.
9. CoQ10 - also promotes healthy cell growth & allegedly can help improve egg quality.
10. PregPrep FertilPrep - see post from 3/3/18.  FertilPrep is NAC (N-acetyl Cysteine). NAC is a naturally occurring amino acid, mucolytic, and antioxidant that thins viscous mucus + mucus secretions. Thin cervical mucus may ease sperm transport, helping facilitate fertilization.  Why not, right?

That big white one is menacing in size!

I've read blogs, articles, reviews, comments, and stories all over the interwebs about what women have tried to get pregnant.  There is a wealth of information out there to read, and you get to the point where you'll try anything.

The last time we went through this process I went off the deep end.  Example: I read somewhere that eating the core of a pineapple had some properties that would make a fertilized egg stick better.  So I bought a fresh pineapple; cored it; and divided that core into separate baggies to eat over the course of a week.  I spent a week eating just the core of a pineapple, because someone somewhere got a positive pregnancy test result after doing it.  Surprise: it didn't work. At least not for me.  But what if it had?

Sorry Mustachio'd Shia, there is no magic pill or trick to making this work.  I wish magic existed; at the price we pay to try this every month you'd think there should be a little bit of magic in every pill bottle I crack open.

But while magic might not exist in the way we think it does or should - miracles do.  And they happen to regular folks all the time.  I probably won't find a miracle in a pill, in a shot, or in the core of a pineapple -- but who's to say it won't help?  

If you need me I'll be over here, choking down my handful of pills, waiting for our miracle.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link:
https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Day 5

It's a lazy Saturday in our house today.  We napped, I ordered groceries, we cleaned the house a little -- and we napped some more.  Our dogs have cabin fever so they've been in and out quite a bit trying to enjoy the 50-some degree day.  We need to enjoy the weather tomorrow - allegedly there is more snow coming.  I can hear the pups chasing each other in the bedroom right now; those sounds make me smile.

It's Day 5 of my cycle (measured by period days) and today was the first dose of Femara (generic: Letrozole).  5mg every day for the next 5 days.  This is the pill that tells my ovary to do something - make something - act now!!!  I hope it works.

There's a specific Walgreens in our area that stocks all the fertility drugs, and while I was waiting for my $4.17 Femara (the cheapest part of this entire process) I found some supplements in the vitamin area:

learn more here: https://pregprep.com/

I've never heard of or seen this before, so I picked up a bottle to learn more.  According to the box this is a mucus thinner developed by a doctor who was trying for her own pregnancy in her late 30s.  I've heard about women taking Mucinex before while trying to conceive, but never understood why.  Thanks to this packaging it explained it: a woman's vagina produces mucus and thinning it can help the sperm travel more freely to the egg.  Makes a lot of sense, so what the hell -- add it my growing stash of supplements.  $30 a bottle and that's a 1 month supply.  I'm supposed to take it twice a day, but I forgot to already.  I'll start that tomorrow then. LOL

My next ultrasound is in a week and that's to see if I'm responding to the medicine and producing an egg.  Fingers crossed.  And legs, toes, eyes, etc.  We need this to work.

Speaking of work, I'm looking into part time jobs to generate the funds to pay for Project Baby.  I am a PartyLite girl (don't hate) but that's really not doing anything for me.  I don't know where all the candle lovers are, but apparently they aren't in my network of friends or family.  I've driven for Uber and Lyft before, but hate the idea of driving strangers around late at night.  I've looking into StitchFix, but they aren't accepting new "stylists" in my area right now.  What else is out there?  A paper route?  Delivering food?  I need to figure something out, as our big baby bill is going to be due really soon.

If you have any suggestions let me know.  Until then I'm going go to back to Netflix and enjoy the rest of my weekend.  Monday always comes too soon.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link:
https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: What now?

My period finally came.  And boy did it arrive with a vengeance!  Not having regular cycles I forget what I'm in store for.  Oof.  Add the hormonal wave and it's been a fun week!

With my period came the next doctor appointment.  Baseline ultrasound on Day 3 of my cycle to take a peek and see what's happening in there.  That was today, and my uterine lining is still at a 9.  For those that don't know: that's pretty thick and I've been warned that I might be in for a long one. Lovely!  Everything else looked fine and it was really quick in and out of the stirrups, and time for a conversation with the next nurse.

One of the rooms.  All ultrasounds are done trans-vaginal at this stage, so at least they warm the wand!

My view as I lay there in position.  Each room has different designs, today it was the mossy green

The plan: days 5-9 I take Femara (this will tell my lonely ovary to produce one or more eggs).  Day 8 I need to go back for a saline infused sonogram (saline is injected into my uterus to glow on screen and illustrate the condition of my uterus and show if there are any fibroids -- hopefully there are none).  This is another diagnostic test they can perform, and probably the only thing covered by my insurance. Day 10 I go back for the next ultrasound and see if anything is cooking; we hope for at least one or more follicles to measure at a 20 as that indicates maturity.  But we're getting ahead of ourselves.  For now, ride this 'flow' out and start Rx meds accordingly.

A little blood work to run beta HCG ... again

Right in the wrist!  So tender today - I didn't think blood work was on the docket so didn't pregame with water ... whoops

I also got an updated estimate for this endeavor.  It was staggering.  I knew this wouldn't be cheap, but right now we're looking at $1,246 per cycle for just ultrasounds & insemination.  That does not include any medications, or the semen prep.  Holy crap.  I took for granted the insurance coverage I had before, paying only for medications and Dave's portion of each cycle.

I don't know how we're going to pay for this.  The time I have with Dave and our pups, not to mention the rest of our family and friends, is invaluable to me.  I hate the idea of working 60+ hours a week between a FT and PT job -- the time away from them is too precious.  Especially when there are no guarantees this will even work.

So, that's where we're at tonight.  I don't know if we keep going since we've already started, or put the breaks on now.  When we got married I picked up a part-time job to pay for our wedding -- totally worth it but I'm tired of having to work so damn hard at everything.

When will it get easier?  When do we catch a break?

I have a lot of questions tonight, and not a lot of answers.  Today wasn't a good day.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link:
https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc