6/30/15: The Bachelorette - wk 7

We pick up where we left off last week with Kaitlyn mid-bite as Shawn Gosling pays her a visit.  She thinks he knows about her tryst with Nick, but really he's just freaking the F out that he hasn't gotten a rose yet.  Chillax, bro.  She calms him down enough that he goes away and she can get back to her room service.  Whew, crisis averted!

Time for the dreaded 2:1 date, with guys we forgot were even on the show.  They board the SS Minnow to head to a grassy knoll for a picnic. The rose is between JJ and Joe (I know - who??)  Pictures to remind you, it's between Dink Teeth and Forehead Dimple:

Who would you rather?

I can't even believe this is a question for her.  Dimple is already falling in love with her (how & when?  They've spent like 5 minutes together in the past 7 weeks) and Teeth just wants to make sure she knows he cheated on his ex wife and that's why he's on the show.  That's all Kaitlyn needed to hear to send JJ packing.  But, she's not ready to give Joe the rose yet either and they leave JJ stranded on the beach so they can spend more time together. 

They have conversation and Dimple gets a rose.  Gosling can't handle the details of their date and has to go to Kaitlyn's room AGAIN to talk to her.  WTF is up with this guy?  He's turning into a Stage 5 Clinger and it's really not attractive.  Kaitlyn couldn't be more annoyed by it, this is her reaction when the producers tell her he's on his way:

Pretty sure the Earth's axis was jarred by this epic eyeroll.

She calms him down, one more time, so he feels OK about their relationship and can go to bed.  Oy.  Time for the cocktail party! 

Kaitlyn sets it up with the worst monolog ever - talking about how she's made mistakes, how it's been a tough week, etc.  The guys are whipped into a frenzy, most notably:

Nick Lithgow - who's crying:

and Generic Gosling - who's freaking out again:

He's scurred.

 

Is he going to jump in the fire?  Does he have a Nick voodoo doll in there?  So many questions!

 

The only one who seems to have his shit together is Tanner.  He sees the writing on the wall and is probably just thankful to have gotten a free trip to Ireland out of the deal.  He accepts his fate and leaves with dignity.  However, Kaitlyn decides to keep the jaundiced dentist Chris Cupcake instead of the beefy Ben Z.  What the what??

Yeah, so his eyes are a little crossed - but he's still way better looking than the dentist!  Did anyone else noticed how yellow Chris Cupcake looked last night?  And ironically I don't like his teeth.  Hehe

All that happened but the bigger deal was OG's tie:

Is this the first time we're seeing Chris H wear a patterned tie?  I can't remember seeing him in anything but solids - and this wouldn't have been my first choice.  Maybe it was a gift from his kids ... either way he and Kaitlyn had an entire conversation before the rose ceremony and I have no idea what was said because I was staring at his neck wear.  I'm now on Tie Watch for next week! 

Any way.  Time to take a road trip to Killarny.  She shoves 5 dudes on the Paddy Wagon (not what it sounds like, unfortunately) and throws caution to the wind asking Jared to ride shotgun and they'll drive together.  Given how Gosling was sawing the logs in the bus I would have opted for that car ride too:

Now this def threw the Earth's axis off - zzzzzzzzzzz

Kaitlyn and Patches McGee take selfies on bridges, kiss the Blarney stone, and tour her haunted castle hotel room.  All the while I'm wishing he would shave his face:

He's got that gross, spotty whisker thing going that really makes it seem like he doesn't have enough testorone to grunt out a full beard.  It's not cute, it has to be scratchy as hell to snuggle up to, and he just needs to stop trying.  Shave the fuzz, buddy.  Please.

Now that the whole team has arrived, OG decides to turn the rules on Kaitlyn a little.  While playing dumb about her romp with Nick (c'mon - you saw the footage, don't try to fool us) he suggests they change the timing and have Kaitlyn send home 3 dudes this week, go to fantasy suites with them, narrow that down to 2, and then go meet the Fockers.  She's on board, so he drops the bomb on the guys, and the first victim for a 1:1 is Chris Cupcake.  It basically went down like this:

1) Helicopter ride to the Cliffs
2) Conversation that went "How are you?" "I'm ok, how are you?" "I'm doing alright, how are you?"
3) Kaitlyn crying and Chris consoling her like a girlfriend would do

 4) Kaitlyn giving Chris the kiss-off and hopping back in said helicopter to fly away

 5) Chris is left sobbing like a little girl, on the edge of a cliff.  Do these producers get recruited from the suicide hotline?  For real, this is dangerous

 This is where we're left for next week.  I don't know if he jumps, if he is successfully talked off the ledge, or what the fate is of the rest of the crew.  All I know is Fatasy Suite dates this early on is going to bring more drama, and Gosling is going to lose his F'ing mind !!!  HAHAHAHA  I can't wait!

See you next week :)

6/23/15: The Bachelorette - wk 6

Well. well. well.  Last night didn't disappoint and OG Harrison has me hooked in for next week!  Let's not get ahead of ourselves, there is plenty to get through for today.

ABC was beyond clever with the undertones of the episode:



The birds...



...and the bees

 

 

 Kudos, that was pretty damn cute.

We pick up in TX with Ian letting his true colors shine through.  Kaitlyn was pretty much:

So he left and he was pretty much:

Glad we all agree on that point; and Ian - if you're the next Bachelor than I am the next Queen of England.  Not gonna happen.  No.  Just no.  And fix your hairline - it's distracting to figure out if you electively shave your head or if it's an attempt to cover up a monk's spot.  What is up??

Rose Ceremony

Speaking of true colors, check out all the TX flag spirit at the Alamo!  Play a little game: how many flags can you count?  They have so much state pride, it's really impressive.  But, really, can you blame them?  Texas produced Chris Harrison - and for that we are all eternally grateful.

Justin's hopes deflated like Kylie Jenner's lips; he was sent home.  As was Joshua and his half-done hairdo.  He couldn't find another clippers to finish what she started the night before?  Hope his first stop when he gets home is Fantastic Sams. 

I think OG, Kaitlyn, and Cupcake all called each other the night before to coordinate their outfits too:

Pantone Color of the Year 2014!  Nice choice, very flattering on all skin types.

We also learn that we're on our way to Ireland!  Totally jealous, I want to travel there so badly!  Let's pack up and ship out to the Emerald Isle.

First Date

Nick.  Ish.  Terms to familiarize yourself with to summarize the date:

1. Beer Goggles
2. Walk Of Shame
3. Awash With Regret

We're on a roll this season seeing how many nationalities we can mock and make fun of; for those keeping track we've so far nailed Sumos (Japan), Mariachi (Mexico), and Ireland. 

The girl in the far left with the tan jacket was just as appalled.  Let's go in for a closer look:

She seems to feel compelled to record it for proof that Americans are as dumb as the rest of the world thinks; Lithgow is happy to oblige.  You can't not watch as much as you hate yourself for giving them an audience.  You can see the shade and self-loathing in her face:

Sadly Kaitlyn and Nick spend all day (and night) together.  They have dinner, they have drinks, they feel each other up at a pub, outside some stores, on a gate, and in her hotel room.  Then comes the dreaded closed door and sound bites *urp*.  I don't judge her for being physical with one of the men, I totally agree that attraction and connection on that level is really important - I just judge her for doing it with him.  She couldn't have picked Generic Gosling?!  That I would totally understand!  *shudder*

Funnily enough she's working through her own demons the next morning:

My sentiments, exactly.  What were you thinking?  Refer to "Beer Goggles" for a pretty solid explanation.

Group Date

To continue with the tradition set this season, we had another weird date.  An Irish wake.  You think I'm kidding?

Yep; that's our girl ... in a coffin.  Huh.

Not surprising the men found it just as perplexing, but once they got into the spirit of "celebration of life" versus "mourning the dead" they had some fun with it.  I have to say, Tanner won the date with his poem:

I once dated a girl with 25 men
She was beautiful; her name was Kait-len.
But all we ever did
Was date in groups;
She made me dress up and jump through hoops!
How I'm still here nobody knows;
Hell, even I'm surprised that I got a rose.
But I like you and want time tonight, so put it in your planner.
And in case you forgot,
My name is Tanner

Done.  Hilarious!  They toast to the afternoon, listen to some adorable Irish guys singing "Whiskey in the Jar" and then go to part 2 of their date at Guiness.

In her time alone with each guy she was blown away by Jared and gave him the rose.  They got to go to a church for some alone time and we got our first concert of the season! The Cranberries!

Finally someone I've heard of!  And like!  Even better!!  The rose just about put an end to Generic Gosling; by the time credits were ready to roll he was in a meltdown. He wants to go home, Kaitlyn wants to go home -- it's pandamoneum!

We're left with the following teasers: will Nick spill the beans on their intimate evening?  Will Kaitlyn tell the guys what happened?  Will Gosling leave?  And why is everyone crying????

What is happening?! 

Aubrey and I need to know!!!  (PS - is this not one of the best captures ever???!!!  Props to the camera crew on "Marriage Bootcamp: Reality Stars" for this -- the other show I watch religiously and you should too)

So we wait.  And in the meantime have to catch up with Britt and Mackelmore...again.  I'm so tired of them.  This time she brought him home to meet her mom:

Mom friend-zoned him, but Britt still has high hopes that it's going places.  Maybe to the store to find a new hat?

See you next week!

6/16/15: The Bachelorette - wk 5

Hello, hello!

 

I have been waiting for the moment this season where I get excited.  I gotta say, I turned into Sue last night:



 

YES!!!

The drama is REAL and I can barely contain myself!  ABC is delivering on their promise of a dramatic season and it's going to be amazing.

Ok, first let's pick up where we left off last week with Nick Lithgow's 7 years in Tibet journey to the hotel (The Knickerbocker, remember?  See, that product placement really works!)  He opens the door and it's like a perp line-up.  The axis of the hotel had to have been thrown off as all the guys sat on one side of the room, leaving Nick in the hot seat all alone:

The most vocal of the group were Tanner and Joshua, peppering Lithgow with questions and skepticism.  I approve - he could stand to be a little hot under the collar for pulling a stunt like this.  As Nick spitted his way through answering and calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick" about 10 times Joshua was not impressed:

That is some major side-eye!

 

And Jonathan Tubbs was throwing shade:

 

Girl, you better not thing we were born yesterday.

They decided to live and let live for today and got ready for the rose ceremony.  We all got dragged to the Met stadium to stand out in the cold and watch Kaitlyn give roses to the mansicles.  How come she got to wear a big coat and scarf but the dudes were literally left out in the cold on that memo?

 

Field of dreams this is not.

We bid adieu to Tubbs, Corey, and Ryan B.  Hope Corey took those hotel slippers with him, and maybe the branded bathrobe too - it only seems fair to get some sort of party favor as consolation.

 

Time to pack your bags as we're off to San Antonio, Texas!  Makes me think of the folk song "The Yellow Rose of Texas".

 

Wait, that's just the yellowing old bruise under Justin's eye.  Still.  For real, dude; put some ice on it, maybe try some concealer - it's really distracting.

 

Group Date #1

 

 

Should we insult another culture by making these boys sing mariachi?  Sure, why not!  We started with actual mariachi singers showing us all how it's really done, and Kaitlyn was so smitten with the young boy singing to her she almost added him as another suitor:

 

 

It wouldn't surprise me at this point, any rando showing her some attention and she's ready to put him on the cast just in case he might be her husband. He was totes adorbs, though, so I can understand (just give him a few years to be at least 18).

 

All the men butchered this traditional Mexican style of entertainment, but none more so than Ian.  He thought with his "performance background" he was the big shit:

 

Turns out he was actually just a big pile of shit. 

Same smile, even!

He was off-tune and couldn't get one audible word out.  I feel his story starting to unravel - can we get some fact checkers to vet his profile?  Did he learn to "sing" in his basement?  Was his mother his only fan?  I'm willing to bet $10 that's closer to the truth than the BS he was shoveling on his application.

Happy hour brought Joshua screeching to a halt, as he tried to continually warn Kaitlyn about Nick.  I don't trust Nick either, but unless you're sure your bros aren't going to hang you out to dry just keep your mouth shut.  Sadly he also let our lady give him a haircut:

She only got half his head completed before the clippers died, so this just added to his case of seeming to have a few screws loose.  Ah well, it'll grow back!  Nick got the group date rose (barf!)

1:1 Date numero uno

 

 

Ben Brady!  They haul ass to the local dance hall to learn some 2-step for the evening's state competition.  They didn't look half bad by the time they were done, but they got tapped out in round 2.  Ben fared better when it came time to get the date rose and secured his safety until next week.

 

1:1 Date #2

 

Generic Gosling got to go kayaking down the river walk. 

 

 

He looked pretty good, I must admit, but the baby ducks came in from left field to win my heart.

 

D'aww!!

ABC really knows their audience; muscly dude doing some physical activity and then throw some ducklings at us for good measure.  Yep, you got me!

 

They enjoy their evening sharing and receiving, having and holding, and Shawn tells her he's falling in love with her.  She goes in for a hug and kiss, and breaks ABC rule #1: you never admit your true feelings until the final rose ceremony:

 

 



What?!  Did she just tell him she's falling in love with him too?!  That isn't supposed to happen until the final rose!!!  Girl is breaking all the rules!  They hop into a canoe and watch some fireworks from the middle of a swamp - it was very "Little Mermaid" and he listened to the critters to plant a kiss on the girl.  Rose for him too.

 

Cocktail Party

 

This has me sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for next week.  Ian has pumped up his ego so much I'm surprised he could fit it into the Alamo for this evening.  A few nuggets of his true self:  "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton-graduate-former-model that defied death and has been around the world a couple times."  "She's not half as pretty as my ex."  "I have no problem getting laid, I have sex all the time actually."  He sounds like a peach!  He's gunning hard in his pitch to be the next Bachelor (hahahahaha) and decides to share a little of his authentic self with our lady friend.  He tells her that he's there to meet a wife, and thinks she's just there to get 'busy' with as many guys as she can.  Just as she's getting wound up - BOOM:

 

 

NOOOOOOOO!!!!  We're left with snippets from next week with Ian storming out, Kaitlyn getting fired up, the rest of the guys seeing the aftermath -- and we have to wait an entire week for it!!! 

 

Plus, some bonus footage of next week that was teased at the beginning of the season.  A little math equation for you:

 

 

Sue and I will be hiding in our turtlenecks until next Monday - grab yours and join us!  This is getting GOOOOD!

 

 

6/10/15: The Bachelorette - wk 4

A day late and a dollar short - sorry for the delay in posting the recap from Monday but life happened yesterday and I didn't have time to get to it.

Here is what you need to know from Monday's installment of The Bachelorette:

Clint and his Andre the Giant hands were sent home once we resumed the To Be Continued from last week; JJ was crying like he just got waxed for the first time and I thought for a split second he was going to run after the van hauling Clint to the airport.  Unfortunately, he slapped sense into himself (literally - wtf is wrong with this guy?!) and stayed.  Boo

Kaitlyn doesn't want to do a rose ceremony after all the Giant drama so Chris H tells the man meat to pack their bags - they're all heading to NYC! 

Thanks to tonight's sponsor, The Knickerbocker, the team stayed in style right in the heart of the Big Apple.  ABC needs to be a little more subtle about plugging the sponsors of the show - we're getting to the point that it feels like the commercial breaks are being plopped in the middle of the plot lines.

Group Date #1
Rapping, with Doug E. Fresh.

I couldn't name one of his songs but I remember watching him on "I Love the 80s/90s" on VH1 -- he's a funny guy!  Kaitlyn apparently is really into rap, but sadly most of her suitors are not.

JJ: "I listen exclusively to showtunes."  Least surprising confession I've heard yet - and can we please discuss what a "former" investment banker does?  Does he even have a job right now?  PS his teeth still bother me.



And Justin Jenner still has the remnants of a black eye.  How long ago was the boxing date?  Like 3 weeks ago, right?  How does he still have a black eye??  Granted it's an ugly shade of squash now, but I'm concerned he has some underlying health issue that prevents him from healing in the normal amount of time.  Somthing to keep an eye on (see what I did there?  Yep, couldn't resist)

I can't really tell you if anyone was decent because the camera started maniacally panning to the back of the club to show us Nick Lithgow lurking in the shadows.  Notice who is sitting to his left:

KardAshley!!!  We didn't get time to really catch up with her, just saw Kaitlyn hug her and then geek out over Nick being there.  He slurred and spitted his way through telling us why he was there and that he wanted to be on the show.  That threw our girl into a tizzy and she couldn't find her left hand from her right hand to make a decision.  She chose the post-rap happy hour on a boat to tell the guys she's thinking of adding another rooster to the barn, and the reactions were exactly what you'd hope for.  Sheer disgust at Lithgow (it's refreshing how many of these guys keep up with other seasons!) and the desire to drink.

Hang on, Generic Gosling, the bartender is coming.

1:1 Date
Bestowed upon Jared Brooks Cruise (he's got a little, tiny bit of Tom in him - and that name would actually be pretty amazing.  Dibs!)  They get all gussied up and head to the Met for an evening alone amongst some of the most amazing art in the world.  I felt bad for him because half his date was Kaitlyn talking about Nick and how she's going to break the news to the guys that she gave him the green light to join the cast.  Finally JBC recites a poem that snaps her back to reality; just in time for a surprise heli ride!!!  The first of the season!!



Finally!

Another former cast appearance: Crazy Eyed Ashley S.!!! 

Kaitlyn went to get her hair did for the date with JBC and to get some advice.  You read that right, she trusts this wacko to give her sound dating advice.  The girl who thought a pomegranate was an onion.  Wouldn't be my first choice, but to each their own.

Group Date #2

Our ears were subjected to more bad singing because Kaitlyn dragged the next set of dudes to the stage of "Aladdin" to do try-outs for a cameo in the evening's show.  Just what you want when you go to Broadway - reality TV folks parading around during your play!

Joe and his forehead dimple were having none of this:

You want me to do what?!

And apparently Dean Caine is now on Broadway:

 Dude looks just like him!

They dying cat parade was not over soon enough, but the co-starring role was given to our dentist Chris.  He overacted and grated on my nerves, but I guess was the lesser of all evils to have on stage so the crew picked him.  Big whoop.  The rest of the guys had to go back to The Knickerbocker hotel and chill.  Why they are all sitting in one line on the couch I don't know:

After "Aladdin", Kaitlyn busts into their room to drop the bomb that Nick Lithgow is moving in with them that evening.  Here we have captured the 3 main reactions:

Lets go from R to L -

- Ben Brady is scared and threatened, and maybe a little confused
- Shawn Gosling is incredulous and super judgemental of her decision (you, betch)
- And Corey seems to be relaxing in his hotel slippers too much to care; good for you, enjoy that swag

We fade out with the image of Nick wheeling his suitcase to their room (after what seemed like the 10 mile trek through New York; did production just leave him at JFK and tell him to hoof it to the hotel?) 

Running credits and we catch up with Britt and Mackelmore - I told you I suspected we'd have to follow these two weirdos all season.  They are still going strong as BF/GF and Britt can't get that smile, or glitter, off her face.  I imagine she lives in a world designed by Lisa Frank.

Yep, seems about right.

Til next week!