2/24/15: The Bachelor - Ep 9

Hello!  We had our regularly-scheduled fix of The Bachelor last night, and once again DVR was a lifesaver.  The final 3 ep is never really one of the highlights of the season, so the Fast Forward feature came in handy to get through the snoozey conversations.

First lady to get her full day of Chris is Kaitlyn:

 They walked around Bali at some of the markets (where Chris was buying kilos of “spices”) and just happened to stumble into some monkeys.  I’m pretty sure this was a forgotten prop from “Planet of the Apes”:

(And I mean the Planet with Charleton Heston, not the weird relaunch from 2011 or 2013)

Chris was wanting to eat a banana but instead got pooped on by a simian:

These outtakes would be good clips for “When Animals Attack” J

Thankfully he changed his shirt before dinner.  Farmer and Miley ate, talked about their feelings, and proceeded to the Fantasy Suite.  There were candles, roses, and the bathtub from “American Beauty”:

There was no shortage of alcohol in their shared room, either.  I counted 3 champagne flutes (who’s the 3^rd for??  Mena Suvari maybe; it is her tub, afterall) and no less than 4 drink options:

  

This is a fun game!  It’s like “Where’s Waldo” for adults.

Date #2 is for Whitney:

Does anyone else think it’s weird that these women hug him like that?  First, he better have a strong core and good footing – and second, why?  I don’t hug my husband like that, I keep my feet firmly planted on the ground and use my arms to embrace him – no need to get the legs involved, that’s just odd.

Anywho, they board the SS Minnow for a 3 hour tour, *ahem* for a tour of the island. 

The captain may or may not have his boating license considering he plowed into the dock while trying to steer them to open water, and then just gave them the thumbs up after.  Thankfully there is champagne on hand to ease the nerves and forget the fact that there might be a hole in the boat and you might drown on this date.  Chris appears to have a bottle of Dom:

Not too shabby – though I’m totally fine with Cooks (or Martini & Rossi Asti if it’s a special occasion)

They swim for 2 seconds, embrace, and then go have dinner.  Fantasy Suite follows and looks like a room downgrade compared to Kaitlyn's room. Nothing too noteworthy here.

3^rd and final date is for Becca.  Chris manages to find a farming community in Bali and waxes poetic about the irrigation system the residents created.  If we hadn’t been bombarded with farmer all season this would have been interesting, but at this point it’s just one eye-roll after another.  Could you find something less boring to talk about??  He did, but it was a visit to another love guru in the shape of the local medium.  They asked him stupid questions and he encouraged them to “make whoopy” (thanks, Newlywed Game!) on their overnight date.  Becca was ready to crawl into her skin like a turtle shell at the thought of being affectionate with Chris, so this should be an interesting evening!

They have dinner, and Chris sweats profusely:

HD is not his friend in Bali – can production get him a towel or something to dab off his face?  They go to the Fantasy Suite and Becca finally tells him she’s a virgin.  His reaction had me wondering if I accidentally hit the “mute” button.  He didn’t say anything.  For a good 30 seconds.  He just stared at her, and then said “I have a hard time knowing what to say when someone tells me that.”  Um, maybe – “that’s great” or “good for you, I really respect that”.  Nothing but crickets.  She didn’t seem fazed, so they had a great night chatting like gal pals at a sleepover.

Time for the rose ceremony. 

Chris Harrison takes us to apparently one of the most sacred temples in Bali and then asks Chris to honor the location by abiding by certain etiquette rules.  Um, isn’t that like trying to catch the horse after you’ve opened the gate?  Let’s try to honor a location we’re already exploiting with our reality show about fake love.  Ok, makes sense.

The ladies were organized in height order for the Rejection Ceremony (I’ve decided to rename it, you like?)

My inner OCD appreciates this J

After some hemming and hawing and a private sesh with Becca to make sure he knows what he’s doing, Chris says goodbye to Kaitlyn the Canadian.  They hug, chat, and the she gets in the van to go home.  My advice to her is to have her own Eat Pray Love adventure while she’s there.  She might even meet her own Javier Bardem:

 mwrow

Well folks, that brings us to the last 2 weeks of hte season *tear*.  Next week is the Women Tell All (bring it!) and then we have the Finale.  Home stretch!!

The Oscars 2015

Lady Gaga wins the Oscars.  Not a statue, but the entire show.  Her tribute to "The Sound of Music" gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes.  I knew she was talented and had the formal training, but dang can this woman sing.  Amazing!

Major kudos for the following:
- For not arriving in a pod (see Grammy's 2011)
- Not stripping down to a costume but instead doing justice to the occasion and wearing a lovely gown
- Her make up and hair were beautiful -- difficult to see sometimes with her usual appearance, but she is truly lovely
- Managing to steal the entire spotlight of the evening while at the same time being humble when Julie Andrews herself came on stage (how did she do that??  Teach me the way of the Jedi!)

2/17/15: The Bachelor - Ep 8

Part II will pick up from here:

Becca’s date – they wander around Polk county and visited Chris’ temporary digs.  Becca apparently was in a relationship with a dude for 4 years but never loved him – what?  That’s not normal.  They talked about if Becca could fall in love with Chris, and while she wouldn’t accept his proposal tomorrow she really likes spending time with him.  You’ve been Friend Zoned!

Then they kissed while watching the sunset from his rooftop:

 More important is the continuing saga of Britt.  She’s crying, she’s angry, she threatens to go home before the rose ceremony.  Don’t dangle the dream, woman!  She’s hoping to dump him before the rose ceremony but then Chris Harrison drops the bomb that Chris cancelled the cocktail party and we’re going straight in to the gauntlet.  Instead of taking it like a woman she just has to interrupt and pull Chris aside for a quick chat.  They actually got into a pretty heated discussion about her behavior, what he’s heard from other women, and that she basically isn’t what he wants in a wife.  Before the tears can start he walks her out.  Then it kicks in for her and turns on the waterworks.  It went from bad:

To worse:

Yikes!  That is the Oprah ugly cry, friends.  They never show a limo coming to pick her up and haul her away – suppose she’s still sitting on the curb crying?  If Iowa weren’t such a long drive away I’d be tempted to go check ;)

Ok, rose ceremony: anyone who watched the previews from Sunday saw that it’s Kaitlyn, Jade, and Becca for sure.  Whitney was a shoe-in, so that leaves poor Carly going home empty-handed.  L  She was a bright spot each week with her commentary and realism.  Sad to see her go but not surprised – his connection with the other ladies was much more evident.  PS did y’all know that Zak from Des’ season is her brother?!  I can’t see the family resemblance, do you?

OK Hometown Date time.

-         1. Becca still didn’t tell Chris she’s a virgin, but did take him for a canoe ride in some random LA swamp

-          2. Whitney brought Chris to her IVF clinic to show him her job (very educational!)

-          3. Kaitlyn and her family were Canadian, eh and this happened:

(He rapped…it was AWFUL)

-         4. Jade revealed she posed for Playboy, and then proceeds to show Chris some of the pictures !!!  That didn’t go very well. 

Time for one more rose ceremony!!  Could have seen this a mile down the road: Jade got the axe.  Her Cinderella story is not going to turn into Pretty Woman today.  Hugs, tears, this:

We have our Top 3!  Next week we'll check back in with our team where we get to go to Bali (you read that right, we're finally leaving the US!) and have our fantasy suite dates.  Crazy always goes down in those, so rest up this week and we'll see you Tuesday :)

2/16/15: The Bachelor - Ep 7

No time to waste!  Sunday Super Special started with what felt like the most abrupt departure ever – Megan pulled Chris aside to ask him about their connection and within 10 seconds they agreed it wasn’t there and she should go home.  I couldn’t even be sad because the credits just finished rolling and I hadn’t even settled in to my seat yet.  So, off she goes for her limo ride home.  My only thoughts: does she over-moisturize?  Was she sweaty?  Why so shiny, Megan?

We still skipped the rose ceremony but Chris DID bring the ladies to Iowa for their first taste of life on the farm J  You’d think he just told them they don’t have to go to Iowa based the excitement:

No way I’d be that excited about going to the ghost-town of Arlington. 

Jade got the first 1:1 date going to Chris’ house, meeting his cows (one of whom he wanted to name Jade – that’s not flattering, Chris) and they walked through the town.  We can understand now why he’s still single – there is literally no one else in this town that is his age.  The bar is closed, the town supermarket is closed, the coffee shop is just an abandoned building where a townie brews some joe in the morning.  A tumbleweed would have made this place more interested, but even those left the city for somewhere else.  Jade and Chris also went to the high school football game but the team lost.  Oh well.  And then Chris ruined one of the best moments of “The Breakfast Club”:

Jade doesn’t know what you’re doing, and you are not John Bender.  Stop it.

Day 2 has Whitney going for her second one-on-one where her and Chris take selfies around Des Moines.  The rest of the gals decide to roadtrip it from their hotel to Arlington for a sneak peak of the bachelor’s hometown.  They quickly find that yes all the buildings and stores are closed, and so is the church.  Not even the pastor can sugar coat their town.  When asked “where do you go for fun?” he answers honestly “Not Arlington.”  LOL  #truth

Group date pits Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn against each other.  They go skating and the only one that seems to have the coordination for it is Carly (she’s been amazing at all the group dates she’s been cursed with but still hasn’t gotten the group date rose – wtf?!).  Chris looks like Bambi swirling around out there:

  

 After their date at the rink they go to what can only be assumed to be a lighting store.  Can someone shed some ‘light’ on where they are??  (see what I did there?  J  Rockin’ the pun)

 Random marquee letters, a bunch of chandeliers, and then an ace of hearts.  Huh??  I don’t even know what they were talking about because I was trying to look at their surroundings.  Oh well, she got the date rose and Britt went into a tailspin (bwah ha ha!)  She’s started to unravel and it’s about dang time.  Her glittery, puppies-and-rainbows façade could only last so long.  She’s giving the cold shoulder to Chris (again, with the pun!  See she’s wearing a cold-shoulder top:)

Ok friends, that is where we leave off until Part II.  See you tomorrow!

2/10/15: The Bachelor - Ep 6

Finally, resolution to last week!  We join Team Bachelor back at the corn palace.  Oh, didn’t I mention last week that the producers somehow found a hotel in NM that just happened to have artsy corn on the walls?!  No, oh my bad.  Feast your eyes:

 

Mmmm, maize-y.  

(See that language skill?  Thanks. #blessedwitheloquence – see below for explanation)

Just another subtle reminder that our bachelor is a farmer.  Lest we forget midway through the season, you know.

We’re back to laying on the floor with Kelsey:

She starts talking about brownies, takes a hit from the oxygen mask, and she’s bouncing back up with a hug from Chris!  Fake?  Yes.  Manipulative?  Yes.  Amazing?  YES!!!  The rest of the chicks are livid, but there’s no time for tears as we head to the rose ceremony (FINALLY).  What was great is that Kelsey took advantage of awards season and accepted one for her brilliant performance on the floor:

Kelsey for her role in Bachelor Mansion Meltdown 2015!!!

No, really, Kelsey got another rose and that meant we bid a fond farewell to Mackenzie (who can now return to the mother ship of her alien culture) and Samantha.  Who, you ask?  Well, she’s tall-ish, has brown hair, and … um…that’s about it.  Her pre-farewell camera time is the most I’ve heard her talk all season.  Pretty sure everyone else there thought she was part of the production team and didn’t realize she was still a contestant.  Hard to be sad to see someone go when you didn’t know they were there in the first place.

Moving on, we leave New Mexico and head to SOUTH DAKOTA!  Seriously.  Where’s my trip to Bora Bora?  This is a tour of the most random collection of destinations.  Ok, SD it is so let’s get to it.  We have a 1:1 with Becca where they ride some horses and shoot some guns.  I seriously have no idea what else happened because the sh*t was going down at the house.  It was a gang-up on Kelsey that was a long time coming.  They unleashed their claws and accusations, and she cried.  Big, fake crocodile tears.  But she did throw down this gem to explain why she’s so misunderstood:

Apparently having a command of the English language makes you come off as phony.  If that’s the case I better dumb myself down before someone gets the wrong impression of me!

Time for the group date!  We had our first celebrity musicians with a visit from Big & Rich!  Thank goodness the show played the one song that hit mainstream so I knew who these cowpokes were – “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy” is their claim to fame.  I won’t even touch that one, it’s too easy J  The Big fella and the Rich fella asked the girls to pen some lyrics for our farmer.  It was the dying cat parade overall, with the ladies & Chris hitting notes I never thought possible.  Britt and Chris were having a pretty epic day in spite of the rest of the ladies being on their date, and to cap it off Chris whisked Britt away to the B&R concert playing down the street.  That left the rest of the ladies sitting around for over an hour waiting.

For real, and she got the rose to boot!  For what it’s worth, Tears For Fears would have been an appropriately ironic guest as both of those emotions were on display by the end of the day. 

Ok, time for the main event: the dreaded 2 on 1 date !!!  In one corner coming in at 5’4” full of crazy is Kelsey! (*boo!*) In the other corner caked with make-up is KardAshley!  (*woo!*)  

This is the most uncomfortable helicopter ride ever.

How many different ways can each person look to avoid the other humans in that small space? 

Sabotage was the name of the game with KardAshley throwing Kelsey under the bus for being the most hated woman in the house.  Kelsey threw dirt back when Chris told her what Ashley said; and while the showdown between the women wasn’t that great the meltdowns and subsequent marching orders were.  Chris sent both women home in one fell swoop!!

While they were shocked at KardAshley’s exit, they were nothing short of elated that Kelsey got sent home.  Here is the celebration heard round the twittersphere:

 We missed another rose ceremony tonight but I think the other departures made up for it.  To reward our patience ABC is treating us to Happy Hour: Bachelor 2-for-1 starting Sunday night!  Get your margarita’s ready, this is gonna be good!

2/3/15: The Bachelor - Ep 5

We were left with a cliff-hanger “To Be Continued…” last night which means no rose ceremony, no change in scores.  For those not interested in the episode you can stop reading here; for everyone else, keep reading and I’ll recap what did happen.

We started our Bachelor World Tour portion of the season by crossing the border to New Mexico.  Megan isn’t the brightest bulb on the Bachelor tree:

Geography took a big hit this episode L  Maybe the producers should hang a map up in the house so the girls can get some learning in during their downtime between dates.  Just a suggestion.

The date cards started right away, with the first 1:1 going to Carly our cruise ship singer.  I’m starting to like her, and her side commentary about the other ladies is a much-needed dose of reality.  Unfortunately, she was awarded with one of the most awkward dates I’ve ever been on (I feel like I was there with how close the camera was getting to them, and I was soooo uncomfortable).  They were sent to meet with a love guru!

That would have been an improvement, actually.  Instead, they found a woman meditating next to a pool who proceeded to sage them and walk them through undressing each other, blindfolded eating, and intimate breathing exercises.  I didn’t know there was such a thing, and what followed cannot be unseen.  Chris was appropriately skeptical:

 

Wise to keep one eye open for this.

 Especially considering that he appeared to be taking a Lamaze class by the end of the date:

That’s their “guru” in the background, and I’d like to see her credentials.  If I didn’t know better I would have thought she was hosting a hidden camera show.  After leaving the guru, they continued their date with dinner.  They connected and talked about their insecurities in a rarely seen moment of sincerity.  Carly got her rose, so it’s time for the group date.

We went white water rafting on the Rio Grande for the group date.  Jade fell in, but sadly no one else did.  The other women were jelly bellies when Chris paid extra attention to Jade to make sure she survived – how dare he?!  The cattiness had started before last night, but is officially in full swing now.  After they dried off they went to the hotel lobby for cocktails.  Chris was derailed by an unexpected visitor:

JORDAN!

Our drunk collegiate was back for a second chance.  She seems to have sobered up and realized she blew her chance during the first go-round.  Chris agreed to let her join their post-date happy hour and the rest of the ladies were appalled.  The general reaction:

Does anyone else feel like we’re watching part-Bachelor, part-My Super Sweet 16 anytime we see KardAshley?  She is always pouting about something not going her way, incensed that someone crashed her birthday party time with Chris, and her dresses are very SS16 (ie pink & sparkly).  I swear I saw her on MTV crying on her dress from Glitz! a few years back.

After the night was already ruined but his decision, Chris came to the foregone conclusion that this wasn’t a good idea and sent Jordan packing for the 2^nd time in 2 weeks.  Burn

Time for the last one-on-one date, which went to Britt.  We find out through the course of the date card reading that Britt has some challenges with personal hygiene.  She’s been accused of the following:

-          Not shaving

-          Not washing her hair

-          Not showering since she got to the mansion.  4 WEEKS AGO.

Pretty serious accusations, but with how they make these girls bunk up in the hotel I gotta believe there is some truth to it.  One word: gross.  A second word: pew.

Chris crashes the hostel hotel they are all bunking at to kidnap Britt for their date.  He’s amazed that she looks just as beautiful at 4:30am as she is for the rose ceremonies.  Maybe that’s because she wears her make-up to bed:

Note the glitter eyeshadow, mascara, and bright pink lipstick/lip stain.  My pores are screaming just looking at that.

They take a sunrise ride in a hot air balloon over the nearby gorge.  Chris thinks this is a once-in-a-lifetime activity (over the gorge, maybe – but there are definitely hot air balloons in Iowa.  I mean, just get a Groupon)

They are having such a great time ‘connecting’ that they completely forgot/ignored the fact that there is a balloon pilot trapped in the basket with them while they make out.  I do not envy him, and I hope he got a nice gratuity from ABC.

You can see his arm here – poor guy, it’s tough to be the 3^rd wheel on a Bachelor tricycle.

Chris invited Britt back to his room for coffee and donuts after, and they ended up behind closed doors.  Not before 15 different close-ups of their hands displaying Britt’s gumball machine jewelry again. 

Who remembers these?

Her ring totally came out of one of those bubbles.  Probably made of lead-laced metal too.

Anywho, she completes her walk of shame back to the hotel room where the other women were going bat-S crazy about their date and how jealous they are.  Britt reveals they feel asleep and took a nap together.  Uh, huh.

Is that what you kids call it these days?

Before we get to the cocktail party Kelsey ambushed Chris in his room for a little tête-a-tête.  She decides this is the time to tell him her story of love lost.  Kelsey married a man who died: Sanderson Poe (fake name?  Sadly, no.  I totally Googled that last night – really weird obituary too.  Sorry, is that mean?  Eh.)  She kept talking about how great her “story” was and was, emphasizing that word too much for it to seem fully legit.  Coupled with the fact that he’s been dead for nary over a year as of taping and she was making out with Chris 15 seconds after crying about Sanderson.  Strange behavior IMO, but we haven’t seen the best of it.

Time for the cocktail party that wasn’t to be.  Chris is emotional over Sanderson and cancels the cocktail hour.  Kelsey talks to the ladies about how little time they have, how sad she is to have to say goodbye to one of them, and how great her shoes are (not even kidding).  All of a sudden the pressure is too much for her and she walks off camera and starts crying.  Pan over to her laying on the floor so perfectly positioned, crying, and claiming to be having a panic attack.  Not entirely sure why she fell/laid down – but that’s where we ended the episode.

Internal dialog: man, she’s got a lot of teeth

Sorely disappointed we didn’t get to the rose ceremony, and we’ve been instructed that part II isn’t until next Monday.  Why the long wait???  It better be worth it.

Stay tuned next week for the ending to last night’s episode and what will hopefully be a fabulous rose ceremony.

Have a good week y'all J