3/13/17: The Bachelor - ep 11 FINALE!

I can't even.  Finale Day is finally here, and all I can say is THANK GAWD.  I need to not see Nick Vile ever again on this franchise.  Good luck to Dancing With the Stars fans - he's your problem now!  Let's recap the Finale and put this season to rest:

Meet the Fockers
Raven is up to bat first and has a great time with the Vial family.  Mom looks like Droopy Dog the entire time, but Bella was stoked to see her roller skatin' gal pal again.  Mom has to slam her wine to keep the tears at bay -- that's right, lady, drink your feelings away!

Vanessa is next, and the collective disinterest on his family's faces was hysterical!  Emotionless robots listening to her describe herself like she's on a job interview.  Either they really didn't like her, didn't care, or Mom & Nick cornered the market on all the emotions allotted to the Vial family and these fringe family members were shorted in those genes.

Every single member of his family looked like this ... weird, right?

Family vetting done, time for the last dates.  Nick takes Vanessa horseback riding through the woods, while a really creepy Santa watched from behind the trees:

I don't think that's Santa, guys...

Vanessa cried the entire time about how she wasn't sure she's ready to get engaged, there's still so much left unsaid and to be figured out (where you gonna live?  maybe start there) - honestly didn't feel great leaving this date.  Time for Raven.

Nick took Raven ice skating where he showed off his best moves.  He was less Scott Hamilton and more Nancy Kerrigan:

Smooth

He also brought her some husky puppies to cuddle:

puppiessss!!!!!!

LOVE!  GIMME!  I'd rather have the puppies than Nick, so win win here!  HAHA  They spend their last few hours happy and giggly, with Raven reassuring Nick how much she loves him and is ready for this next step in their relationship.  She seemed so darn happy.

Brief visit from Neil Lane before we get to the dumping & proposal:

Can I have the ring and the dogs WITHOUT having to take Nick along, too?

OK, I'll stop procrastinating.  We get to D Day and the first gal out of the limo always seals their fate as being the Rejected.  Tonight was no different: Raven.  :'(

You got that right, buddy.

She handles the goodbye with so much grace and class, it was amazing to watch.  She shed one single tear, while Nick was bawling like a baby.  He blathered on about how great she was, how much he loved her, but that he wasn't sure he was in love with her.  Canned speech, but her reply was amazing:

YES!  I prob can't get away with saying this but I'm going to anyway -- YOU GO GIRL!  Baller response.  I would have given her a standing ovation for that.  I have a gif to match that keeps with the Harrison Ford theme, too:

In this case Princess Nick is getting confident shade from Han Raven

He shuffles her out to the waiting SUV and she's carted away before she can even grab her coat.  Whoops.  Vanessa arrives next, and Nick cries some more.  Together they almost flooded Finland - pull yourselves together, people!  He rambles about his love for her, and with a single glimpse of that rock from NL she says yes.

So much for your standards to not compromise and all your worries about real life issues.  We'll see how long this lasts.  I got no sense of Bachelor Nation support for them on the ATFR - I give it until summer at most.  All I know is I couldn't look at Vanessa's spider leg eyelashes for my lifetime:

Hard pass.  You got bottom lashes that long you don't need to decorate them - they can stand on their own.

So, there we have it.  The happy couple: Nick and Vanessa.  Good luck, I guess - now go away.

We wrap ATFR with learning that Raven will be on Bachelor in Paradise (I am SO watching that again!!!) and Rachel's season started live when she met a handful of men who will be moving into the mansion to participate on her season.  That actually was a surprise, so kudos to ABC for finally living up to one of their hypes!

If y'all are interested in the BiP, stay tuned -- I'll be here to recap the zany and wacky!  See you next time :)

And it's amazing!

3/6/17: The Bachelor - ep 10 part 2

Women Tell All!!  Do y'all love this episode as much as I do?  It's amazing :)

I love seeing who has given themselves a make-over since they got the boot - and there were definitely a few faces I do not recognize on that panel of rejects tonight!

I forgot who Lacey was, and there was some girl in a silver dress that I'm pretty sure snuck on set -- I don't think she was actually ever on the show.  Who is she??

She's right up there between One Night Liz and Josephine Jessica Parker circa Hocus Pocus,... her name is allegedly Elizabeth.  Who?!  Help!

We dragged up the One Night Stand for a little tete-a-tete to figure out just why exactly she came on the show.  What could have been a bizarre rant from Crazy Eyes turned into a self esteem boost for and from the entire bevy of beauties.  All the love they have for Liz was amazing, and is a good reminder of what production editing can do.

Time for Taylor and Corrine to square off again, in what has got to be round 15 of Battle Bots.  Recap of these shrill women yelling at, over, and around each other:

- Taylor acted too good for everyone, said everyone on the reject panel
- Corrine loves champagne
- Josephine has said more in this Tell All then she did the entire time she was actually on the show
- Taylor talking about the negative impact words have had toward her is like the pot calling the kettle black
- Taylor is trying to play the victim but no one in the studio is having that act
- Corrine took a page from Jennifer Garner re: her strategy to win Nick

In the end the Battle Royale turned into #NapGate2017.  Seriously.  They argued for 15 minutes over who took a nap and who didn't, and who called it a nap and who didn't.  Pass the champs, I need to drink this headache away.

Oh my god, there's still 50 minutes left ... ok, highlights from here on out:

- Kristina jumped in the hot seat to make everyone cry all over again
- Nick came out and cried
- Kristina cried again
- Danielle cried
- Dominque asked a question - and I had to question who she was ... #dontrememberher
- Bloopers!!
- Rachel paid us a visit
- Hints of next week's finale ... and all I can is "'bout damn time".  Promises that it will be dramatic, emotional, etc etc

Get your shots lined up, every time someone cries we're taking one!  Call in sick for work next Tuesday now.

See you then :)

3/6/17: The Bachelor - ep 10 pt 1

Tonight was a marathon, not a sprint - and we'll take this recap mile by mile (j/k - it will be our usual pace).

We picked up where last Monday left off, with Raven leaving the Fantasy Suite the morning after.  Given the not at all subtlety of her interviews, and ABCs weirdest victory montage to date, it's sufficient to say she is a happy camper.  This was about it, just with Raven instead of Ross:

Bench Lady 2: "Well somebody got some last night."

Rachel was next, and they had a great time.  She could barely stay upright in her cross-country skis, but they seemed to have a great time.  They are smitten with each other (admittedly, they had an exchange about their mutual feelings) and all seemed to go well.

We dedicate the lion share of the episode to the awk AF date with Vanessa.  They just now start talking about her values and priorities (family time, staying in Canada) and how Nick might just be feeling an international move for love ("I'm a proud American" ok...what the hell does that mean?).

He puts on a good show, and they manage to find enough common ground to go into the overnight portion of the date.  Personal opinion: you should have talked about the international logistics before getting down to the Final Three.  But what do I know?  I met my husband the old-fashioned way - on Myspace.  (true story!)

Nick cried his way through the rose ceremony, forgetting again that he is the dumper not the dumpee.  Raven got a rose, and Vanessa got a rose.  WHAT?!  Ok, I lost my own bet.

I'll say this: Raven is too good, too sweet, too trusting for Nick.  He would destroy her.  I hope he picks Vanessa and they can figure out their logistical nightmare of a relationship off-camera.

Crap.  Ok, see you next week for the finale.  I have to regroup for the Tell All.

Tweet of the Night:

2/27/17: The Bachelor - ep 9

We got the short end of the stick tonight with only a 1 hour episode.  My suspicions are that it's ABC's way of dragging out the obvious: my prediction is that Vanessa will be sent home after the Fantasy Suite dates, leaving us with Rachel and Raven.  Obvi we know Rachel is the next Bachelorette so that means Raven is the Chosen One.  That's my bet, but we'll see :)

With this one hour tonight we bid a fond farewell to Corrine, who went from Oprah Ugly Cry to Sleeping Beauty in 5 seconds flat:

boo hoo hoo

zzzzzzzzz

She made her peace with their break-up and headed on home.  Time to leave the Big Apple and go to the Big Fjord!  FINLAND !  I'm trying to muster up all the excitement as I can for that destination, but seeing as how we're in the throws of winter/spring, the thought of being butt-deep in snow again is a hard pass for me.

BRRR!!!  But beautiful

We get to see Raven's one-on-one, where we learn that she's only been intimate with one man; she has never said "I love you"; and she's never been fulfilled sexually.  A little TMI.  And I think she was nervous for her FS evening with Nick - she seemed to partake in a Power Hour at the bar before they headed to their suite:

99 bottles of beer on the wall .... 

We leave them there and close the credits with Nick doing his best Rocky ...

Don't know if his feats of physical strength were supposed to convince us of his sexual prowess, or if the producers were just bored and needed filler for these last 10 minutes ... womp womp.  Dumb, boring episode - glad it was only an hour.

I'll see you next week for 3 HOURS of Bachelor fun - including the Women Tell All :)  My favorite day of the season!!!

#theendisinsight