2/20/17: The Bachelor - ep 8

It's Hometown Week!  We have four suitorettes taking Nick home to Meet the Fockers - Raquelle's Responsibility Corrine, Vanessa the Canuk, Rachel the Lawyer, and That's So Raven.  Lots of ground to cover!

Sweet Home Alabama Arkansas

Raven takes Nick home to Hoxie, AK to climb up a grain silo, get pulled over by the police, and tear up the marsh with four wheelers.  No drama at this family reunion, everyone seemed to like Nick!  Raven couldn't bring herself to say "I Love You" - but she's not the only who held back.  Self-preservation is not a bad thing.  No indication that she won't move on to the next round, so Next!

Inside the Actor's Studio

Made ya do a double-take on that one, huh?!  :)

We went to Dallas, TX next to meet up with Rachel's family.  Seems so silly to watch this hometown because, again, we already know she's the next Bachelorette.  Nick looked super uncomfortable at church, and I think the Lindsay women have a type.  James Lipton here (Rachel's brother-in-law) looks a lot like Nick:

Tell me you don't see it!

They all approve and trust her judgement; ha!  No worries - we'll all have a whole new crop of weirdos to meet next season.

Pretty Woman

Sugar momma!

Corrine decides to spend her alone time with Nick shopping.  It's old home week as she enters each boutique, which would raise red flags on lifestyle expectations in most.  Nick thinks it's rather fun, and sips champagne while Corrine has him play dress-up as a life-size Ken.  For a little mental image: she's downing her bubbly while he tries on $800 sweatpants and a $650 sweatshirt ... not exactly real life for 99% of the population.  They go to her parent's house, eat some olives, swill some Scotch, and chat about how happy they could be after the show wraps.  Her family loves him, including Rocky!!

We FINALLY get to lay eyes on this domestic servant and I'm not entirely convinced she isn't being held against her will....someone do a welfare check, ok?

Tim Horton Hears a Who, eh?

Last but not least is Vanessa.  We head north of the border to visit her students and meet with both sides of her family (mom and dad don't get along post-divorce, so best to keep them separate).  For a girl who claims she's realllly happy with Nick, her and her family and Nick seem to cry a lot:

montage of tears ... 

After some convincing Papa Vanessa gives his blessing, and Vanessa seems confused that Nick would ask every father for permission ... seriously, woman - have you never watched this show?!

Rose Ceremony
Didn't think we'd even get this far in tonight's episode, so bonus point for ABC for at least starting a rose ceremony on a Monday.  The wrench in tonight's cliffhanger: Andi and her chiclet teeth show up to have a tete-a-tete.  Groan.  Ok, we'll all tune in next Monday to see what she has to get off her chest, and hopefully see who gets cut.

'Til then!

2/13/17: The Bachelor - ep 7

Happy Monday!  Well, it is as long you're an Adele fan like me :)  I didn't watch the Grammy's because I don't care enough, but am pleased as punch that she beat out Beyonce.  I don't like "Queen Bey" unless she's making faces like this oldie-but-goodie:

Perfection!!!

So, I'm just riding a high today that carried me straight to Bachelor Monday.  Let's get to it!

Turn that frown upside down
We pick up where we left off last week with Nick's "will he or won't he" cliffhanger.  After having a 5 minute therapy session with OG Harrison he trots to the women's room again to give them his answer.  No surprise, he's continuing with his journey to find love (or his next great lei -- hey oh!!  See what I did there?  They keep bouncing from one tropical destination to the next - I saw a shot and took it lol)

The shift in emotions from tears to smiles on the women was faster than Usain Bolt.

We go from here:

"I don't know if Nick wants to stay ... boo hoo!!"

To here, in 0.5 seconds flat:

"Yay!!!  I'm happy!"

All it took was Nick saying he'll stick around for the next leg of the trip, and by cancelling the cocktail party and rose ceremony.  I guess 6 cuts in one day is enough to give these gals a pass on that formality.

The Magnificent 7 head to Bimini where That's So Raven says she's never been somewhere so beautiful so "what could go wrong?"  Oh hunny, you have so much to learn.

1:1 Date Numero Uno
Vanessa gets some more alone time to be reassured that Nick is in it to win it, and she reminds him that she's here for him.  Kisses, swimming, yay.  Whatever.  They go to dinner and Vanessa tells Nick she's falling in love with him.  Three observations: 1) careful, the last girl who did that got sent home in the next breath; 2) she expected him to say it back - HA!  Damn girl, don't be so naive; 3) he didn't say it back and she was pissed.  #honestyhurts but kudos to Nick for holding back better than Ben Brady did in his season.

3:1 Date
That's So Raven, Corrine, and Russian Nesting Doll Kristina ride around on a yacht and swim with sharks -- no, not Alexis in her "dolphin" costume.  That would have been amazing, though!  Real sharks, so Kristina got scared and Corrine got jealous.  Kristina sounded a little like Brick Tamland when she was talking about how sharks can smell blood ....

Keen observation, Brick.  Thx

There's a rose on the table that will lock in one lady for Hometown Dates next week (what?!  where did that come from?!?  dammit Nick!  this is somehow all your fault that we're this far along in the season and didn't see it coming!)  Anywho, That's So Raven got the rose and locked in her spot in the Fab Four.

1:1 Date Take 2
Danielle and her bland personality wander around Bimini with Nick to explore.  They ate some chocolate cake, played some b-ball, and rode bikes.  Their dance moves were sadder than their stunted conversation.  I don't feel confident in the future of this relationship.  Summary:

Riveting, indeed.  zzzzzzz

And this:

YES!  Finally - I've been struggling to put my finger on this all damn season!!

Nick puts us all out of our misery and sends Danielle home.  Not before we watched her snot into her own mouth, though.  Gross.  #andthentherewere5

Goldmember
FINALLY.  The quote that I've been living for ALL SEASON is upon us!  Corrine takes matters into her own hands by knock knock knocking on Nick's door for some late night lovin'.  We get some off camera moans, long distance images of the outside of his room, and some really swanky 70s porn music.  For all her boasting and how much build up ABC put on this moment, I am really disappointed with Nick's self control.  He denied her advances.  What a tease - literally, figuratively. all the "ivly".  The only thing distracting me from this trainwreck is watching Corrine try to walk in her high heels.  I'm with this Tweeter:

*claps* amen, sister

1:1 - En Fin
Rachel and Nick get some brewskies and try to figure out if they want to pursue this connection.  I'm going no further in recapping this particular date b/c I know she gets sent home after hometowns, as it's already been announced that she's the next Bachelorette.  You read that right - ABC has finally cast a non-Caucasian as the lead!  It only took 33 combined seasons to get here.  Welcome to the 90s, Mr. Baanks.

Rose Ceremony That Never Happened
Corrine sends herself to a padded room by stressing and being anxious after hearing how great Rachel's date was with Nick.  Curveball: Nick dumps Kristina before any rose ceremony happens, poetically as a storm is rolling in to the island.  Bye, Xtina.

Next week may or may not be interesting - hard to tell with ABC.  We might have a rose ceremony, Nick might do something surprising, someone from the past might show up ... pretty much the same as ususual, then.  See you next Monday, betches!

2/9/17 - The Bachelor - ep 6

Hola, my pasty friends!  I am back from vacation and have a Neil Lane-level tan :)

Hi buddy - lookin' good!

I'm a happy camper but am WAY behind on the drama.  No time to waste with stories about my time on the beach, by the ocean, under the palms .... and since Monday is only 4 days away we're going with the fast-forward, Cliffs' Notes version:

We resumed with last week's TBC - Taylor trying to convince Nick she isn't a bully.  Nick's reaction: "I hear you, but I don't care."

Honey Badger don't give a fuck

Record breaking tears:

1. Former DCC Jasmine - no 1:1 date (still) and she's been crying since Chris Harrison told them there won't be a cocktail party 2 days ago
2. Nawleans Rachel - she's tired of playing second fiddle to Corrine and not getting any attention or alone time with Nick
3. Borning, Sleepy Danielle M. - see above, same feelings here
4. Multi Lingual Vanessa - again, see above; I sense a trend
5. Russian Nesting Doll Kristina - damn her childhood was rough, those were real emotions, real vulnerability - and I'm honestly surprised Nick didn't melt into a puddle on their date
6. Backstreet Danielle L. aka DLo - 2:1 date ... did not go well
7. MN Gal Whitney - the other component of the 2:1 ... see above (ps - how did I not know there was a hometown girl on this season??  go figure ...)
8. NICK - tears, tears, and more tears......again, and again, and again ...

Yeah, I hear you Benny.  Basically he tells all the women that he doesn't know if he'll even win his own season....what the actual fuck?!  Why are you on the show AGAIN then??  Why are we watching?!  AHHHH!!!!!!

Record breaking farewells:

1. Taylor - leftover from last week
2. Cat Lady Josephine - Rose Ceremony casualty
3. Sharknado Alexis - Rose Ceremony casualty
4. Nose Ring Jami - Rose Ceremony casualty
5.Cheerleader Jasmine - she came unhinged, tried to (jokingly?) choke Nick on the group date 5 times, and got sent home (with a recommendation for some anger management classes)
6. MN Gal Whitney - see above, she didn't see it coming
7. DLo Danielle L. - see above, she also didn't see it coming ... esp after they left Whit on the beach and went to dinner alone together, where she said she's falling in L with him and he in turn dumped her ... talk about blindsided
8. Half of Bachelor Nation ... see #8 in first list to understand why.  I think I can speak for us all that we're ready to see this season end and I'm kinda hoping that it results in Nick being left standing alone again.  He's a manchild that clearly doesn't know what he wants, who he wants, and can't offer enough of what any woman past, present, or future wants.  How else do you explain his single status after 4 SEASONS of being part of this franchise?  Hint: it's you, pal - not them.

One new addition to our family:

1. Lorna - the lovely hotel rep there to make sure the ladies are taken care of (and prob to ensure the room doesn't get trashed).  Corrine takes this caregiver too literally and dubs Lorna the Raquel of St. Thomas.  Whatever they pay Lorna is not enough - double it.

She ain't your nanny, Corrine - chill

That's about all.  I'll see you Monday, if you're still in this with me.