For the past 9 months I’ve been keeping a lot of things on the down-low. I am a conflicting bundle of thoughts and emotions, and I figured it best to keep it as quiet as possible to minimize the chance of offending someone, jinxing myself, or putting myself too “out there”. As a result, my husband has borne the brunt of my rollercoaster hormones. To help his sanity and mine it’s time to open Pandora’s box and let someone else in.
To get a full picture of the past 9 months we have to go back a ways. There’s a lot I need to get off my chest.
In a roundabout way I started this particular leg of our journey to pregnancy in July 2015, with what I thought was an allergy to spinach. Nausea, vomiting, stomach pain – food allergy or general intestinal disagreement seemed like a reasonable assumption. It lasted for a few hours, leaving no trace behind. Strange.
Occurrences identical to this happened at the pace of once per month through the summer and into early fall. Finally in October, at my mom’s urging, I went to the doctor. I had been keeping a detailed journal of each episode and the food consumption surrounding; there were no patterns I could make out but maybe he had some ideas. He seemed stumped and decided to start slow – let’s do some blood work and other tests and see what comes out. Here is where we’ll begin:
November 4th
Blood draws, hemoccult cultures (so sexy), ultrasounds.
All the blood work came back normal except for the poop cultures (I’d apologize but that’s what they are and I am past the point of blunt). Traces of blood are found. He’s concerned enough to order more blood work and send me to have some ultrasounds done.
November 16th
More blood work...
The PA couldn’t pinpoint what was causing the blood or the pains, so ordered a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy. I was terrified. I’m only 31, so I am about 20 years too soon to be facing these issues and don’t know what to think. Fighting my fear the appointment was made a few weeks from then.
December 10th
Colonoscopy and upper endoscopy. Not.fun.
The aftermath of bruises:
For anyone who has ever had these procedures you can agree this isn’t anyone’s idea of a fun day. It was uncomfortable and stressful. The doctor was lovely; friendly, reassuring. Answered my tearful questions and reassured me that he doesn’t think there is anything to be concerned about. The nurse trying to start my IV was another story – 3 failed tries to start one amongst stories about starting lines on dead people and it was time to call in back-up. Thankfully that fourth attempt was the lucky one – but it was right in my wrist. That hurt.
I got the results back from the PA the week before Christmas. Pathology came back normal and while there are minor ulcers, I don’t have to worry about them. He incorrectly diagnosed me with ulcerative colitis, but that was corrected later by the doctor who performed the procedures (a huge sigh of relief). We both hoped that these pains would disappear as sudden and mysteriously as they had appeared. I hadn't had any issues since the colonoscopy, and was actually feeling great.
Now you know the backstory to my winter & spring - this will come full circle in a minute.
We’ve been married for 6 years now, and it’s no secret that we want to have children. We’ve casually tried, taken breaks, and tried again in the quest. I’ve done acupuncture and herbs. So far nothing has worked. Thanks to Google I knew that anyone trying for over a year without success should consult a doctor – and I just wasn’t quite ready for that reality. Ignorance is bliss, right? Not so much.
I did research on our insurance coverage and in-network doctors for Project Baby. I was ready to start again. In December we had our consultation appointment with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) OB at a clinic that specializes in reproductive medicine. Read: people who are struggling. We left really optimistic and positive that this would be a great step for us and will work for us.
Unfortunately these plans were put on hold as quickly as they started …
January 18th
Emergency Room visit after an episode of pain and vomiting that I couldn’t bear through.
IVs, pain meds, and my blood work came back with high inflammation markers – but not sure of the source. No other tests or exams were ordered and I was dismissed and told to follow-up with the GI team again. I went back to that doctor and he ran more blood work and declared that whatever the cause for my issues it is not related to those GI functions of my body and I’m out of his expertise. Ok. What next?
February 22nd
Emergency Room visit. Another episode that I couldn’t muster through.
I got an amazing ER doctor who listed to the long list of tests and procedures I’ve already had done, and orders new tests. Ultrasounds came back with an ovarian cyst so large they couldn’t fit it on the screen and couldn’t see my bladder or other anatomy around it. I will be admitted for surgery today. Orders a CAT scan because the OBGYN wants to try and pinpoint exactly where it’s coming from so she knows where to make the incisions and is clear on the source.
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| My cyst is the veiny purple bag in the left photo, and the dark almost-black bag in the right photo. The doctor who performed the surgery said it was about the size of a volleyball. No wonder it hurt so much. |
Incisions … 4 total, laparoscopically performed so they were all relatively small. The largest was 1 inch across where they pulled the deflated cyst out.
I was admitted to Fairview and surgery was scheduled for 7am the next morning. Lovely doctor very politely and gently explained the surgery, and then told me that I would be losing my left ovary and left fallopian tube due to the size of this cyst.
I was heartbroken. We’ve already struggled to get pregnant and now I have to lose half of my reproductive system? That hardly seems fair. Dave was amazingly supportive, as was my mom and sister who came to visit me and stay with me.
Surgery was a success and I was healing great. Post-op follow up appointment was two weeks later. The doctor was really great once again, reassuring me that there is no reason to believe that this would hinder our abilities to have a successful pregnancy and that my right ovary and tube should just kick in and take over each month. She said I only had to wait a month before starting to pursue Project Baby. Together with a surgery that eliminated all the pain I'd been experiencing this was the best news I could have heard.
In December at the consultation with our RE we had received instructions and paperwork to get started on this process. Blood work for me, semen analysis for husband. Dave did his part and everything came back great. My first step post-surgery was to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test to ensure my one tube left was open. This took place in April; dye was flushed through my uterine cavity and successfully exited my tube. That was a huge relief as this meant that a fertilized egg could clearly and freely move from the tube to my uterus and wouldn’t be clogged. Another hurdle cleared.
Now officially starts Cycle 1.
April 26th
Baseline ultrasound & estradiol (E2) blood test. Start Clomid on day 5 and take through day 9.
May 5th
Ultrasound and E2 blood test. Not ready, follicles are too small.
May 7th
Ultrasound and E2 blood work. Still not ready, come back tomorrow.
May 8th
Ultrasound & E2 blood work. Finally ready! Estrogen levels are dropping, so I must do the trigger shot today.
May 9th
Due to white blood cells in husband’s specimen they have to culture and can only do an ICI (intracervical insemination). It’s fairly common to see some white cells in the specimen, but should there be an active infection they don’t want to put that directly into my uterus. Counts were 51 million. Start progesterone suppositories and the infamous 2 week wait (2WW) commences.
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| Receipt for the pregnancy tests I just *had* to take |
May 23rd
It’s time for my pregnancy blood test. It comes back positive, but only at a 7. They want levels to be 50 usually. Come back in 2 days for a re-test.
May 25th
Pregnancy blood test #2. Negative. Levels have dropped to 5 instead of rising. It’s not a viable pregnancy.
“I’m sorry.”
We were so close. All the components that needed to meet and work did – but it didn’t last. My ever-optimistic side says “it sucks but it’s ok; at least it worked and my body knows how to naturally terminate when something is wrong. We’ll get it next time!” So, OK, let’s do this again.
Cycle #2
May 31st
Baseline ultrasounds & E2 blood test. Lining is a 5, 6 small follicles. All quiet and good. Start Clomid on day 5 and take through day 9.
June 9th
Ultrasound and E2 blood test. I need to start estrogen patches because my lining isn’t thick enough at a 3. 2 follicles: one is a 19 and the other a 14. 2 patches of Minivelle in the evening for 2 days.
June 11th
Ultrasound & E2 blood work. 2 follicles at 21, 1 at 14, few small. Lining is now a 6. Do trigger shot tonight.
June 13th
IUI (intrauterine insemination), counts at 36 million … start progesterone suppositories and the 2 week wait begins.
June 27th
Pregnancy blood test. Negative.
“We’re sorry.”
I’m upset but we decide to move forward. There’s no reason to think this shouldn’t work. We’ll get ‘em next time.
Cycle #3
July 2nd
Baseline ultrasound. We’re changing medication, no need for blood work this cycle. Start Femara on day 5 and take through day 9.
July 12th
Ultrasound. Lining is a 9, 2 follicles that are 20 with 5 small. Trigger shot tonight!
July 14th
IUI…61 million; great count. You know the drill: progesterone suppositories and the 2 week wait begins.
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That brings us to today. Tuesday. July 26th. Day 12 of this cycle. I had my blood drawn at 8:30am and same-day results calls start around 1pm. It was 1:20pm, and my phone rang.
“I’m sorry. It’s negative.”
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I've lost an ovary; I've lost a tube. I've had my innards flushed, snaked, and scoped in the most intimate of places. Several times. I've been poked more times in the past 9 months than I have in my entire life. I feel like a human pin cushion. I joke that each doctor visit is a visit to the Vampires. So why isn't this working yet?
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There are days I want to talk all about the process – verbal diarrhea to get it all out and have someone to share this experience with. Other days I don’t want anyone to ask me one damn thing about it because I’m tired, I’m sad, and I’m angry.
Today is one of those days where I’m feeling both. I want everyone to know and understand what I just heard on the phone, what we just went through only to fail again – and I want someone to tell me it will be OK. I want your sympathy so that I know someone else can see the sadness I’m feeling. But at the same time I also don’t want your pity because it makes me feel that much worse.
Confused yet? Me too.
If you have questions, feel free to ask. Honest. I welcome all the love, support, and prayers we can get during this. But at the same time, just know that it might be one of those days that I don’t want to talk about the heartbreak I’ve experienced three times, and ask again another day. Many of you won’t know what this is like, some of you will. For those that don’t just try your best to put yourself in my shoes and formulate your support based on that. I fully acknowledge that it’s a minefield you’re entering, but know how much I appreciate it.
This isn’t easy. It’s expensive. I’m exhausted. But I’m determined. The payoff will be so worth it.
For my fellow ladies out there who are on this ridiculous journey too – you aren’t alone. One of the most isolating experiences in your life doesn’t have to be if you don’t want it to. There are so many of us out there quietly riding that rollercoaster with you, hoping for our BFP, too. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. And do what’s best for you.
xoxo
