Project Baby: She's having my baby

*This post contains information about our personal journey to parenthood and is not to be used as advice for your life; all products mentioned in this post were purchased on our own with our own money, nothing was sponsored and we are not affiliated with any of the products or brands mentioned. Results are not assumed or guaranteed - it was all luck & miraculous, divine intervention. 


How long has it been since we last talked???

Oh, don't be so dramatic. But yes, it’s been awhile since we last met.  A lot is the same, a lot has changed.  For those who follow me on The Facebook or The Instagram you probably saw the post that we’ve been praying for since this journey began over 6 years ago:

We’re having a baby. We’re having a baby! WE’RE HAVING A BABY!!!!!

Our announcement!

There are days I still can’t believe it, there are days where I forget and catch myself remembering all over again. I am excited, nervous, amazed … how did we get so lucky???

That may seem like a weird question considering the path we’ve been on – but dammit, we are so lucky. We are so blessed.

This journey has been just that – a winding road filled with physical obstacles and emotional landmines (as most of you are aware of at least up through March 2018 when I last checked in here). But you have no idea. I had no idea. Our story had barely begun.

A quick recap in case you’re new here or have forgotten where we’ve come from: TTC (trying to conceive) for 6+ years involved the following:

- Surgical removal of an ovarian cyst that was so large I lost that ovary & tube leaving me with only one of each
- Polyps
- Shots
- Pills
- Exams
- Needles
- Inseminations
- More pills
- More needles
- ….negative after negative pregnancy test

Our family and friends have been incredibly supportive and loving, and we mean every word of our gratitude for everything our network has provided us. We wouldn’t be where we are, or who we are, today without every single of them. I am particularly close with my mom and sister and have shared every tear with them along the way. They are my best friends (outside of hubby) and the close bond we share is magical in the truest sense of that word. They hold me up when I can’t stand alone, they celebrate with me in all my triumphs and victories, and we love each other like crazy. But my sister’s love for me knows no boundaries.

My sister and I are 2 years apart in age and have been each other’s best friend since I came along in 1984. We went to the same schools, had the same teachers, played Barbies and babies together…thick as thieves, truly friends and soul mates. I’m the Ethel to her Lucy – she dreams up the ideas and I wholeheartedly jump in as her faithful sidekick! Our relationship has grown stronger the older we get and some of my favorite wedding photos are the ones of just her and I as they captured our friendship and bond so beautifully. She’s always been my protector, just as a big sister should be.

The struggle we’ve had with fertility has been difficult for our loved ones to watch us endure – as it is for anyone I know going through the same thing. There is so much you wish you could do for them to make it better, to fix the problem, and to give them the success they so wish for. My sister is no exception and would always share those supportive messages in person or even via text. The “I’m so sorry, I wish there was something I could do. I love you.” And she got almost as frustrated as we did when things kept not working out.

When we were younger, before either of were really dating anyone and way before I got married we always said that if one of us, for whatever reason, couldn’t have children the other would be more than happy to step in and carry for the other. When you’re young and making those agreements they seem like the smart thing to do – have a backup plan, though you’re sure you’ll never have to use it and the thought rarely passes through your mind after. That was the case with us; I was probably 16 or 17, dreaming of Prince Charming and planning my future in my mind – never thinking that I would have any trouble with that because why would I? I was young, I was healthy, and life would just turn out how I planned.

Fast forward to adulthood and the all too real issues at hand. Our efforts weren’t paying off and the costs were becoming prohibitive to keep trying. Adopting is even more expensive and is a very arduous process with zero guarantees either. And while it’s a lovely option for those that choose it we just weren’t ready to go down that road – a personal choice for us at this point in our lives. The path to parenthood is different for everyone and no single option is a “one size fits all”. So, what options do we have?

We tried Door #1: natural conception of our own child. That door wasn’t opening for us. Try again.
We tried Door #2: assisted conception of our own child. This door was more like a hallway of many doors, and while some opened and allowed us passage to the next we haven’t yet found the key to open the final one. Try again.
Then there’s Door #3: Our village came to the rescue

During this science experiment we call Trying To Conceive (TTC) my sister watched me struggle. And she offered: “I’ll be your carrier. Let me help.” I rebuffed more times than I can count because it felt like giving up. It felt like I was losing, and that I was resigning to the fact that I would never get pregnant myself. “No, no. Thank you, but I’m not ready for that. We still have options.” That was my mantra for about 2 years and was as true in June of this year as it had ever been. But then my heart changed.

I thought about how badly we wanted to have a child. How badly I wanted to be a mother. And I thought about all the hoops we’ve jumped through trying to make that dream a reality, and all the times it didn’t work. And where are we after all that? Still parents without a child. Dave and I talked so many times about what was next, when we’d start the next cycle. He was on board for whatever I wanted to do – but just like me he was frustrated and tired. Then we talked about what my sister had offered. It was during those conversations that it dawned on me that I was turning down the greatest gift someone could possibly offer just because it wasn’t how I imagined it would be. That wasn’t how I painted my future in my mind so I kept saying no. But when I stepped back and looked at the future I dreamed of all it showed was us with our little family – it didn’t matter how it happened. My heart wants a baby and I’ll do anything to make that happen.

So, no more than a week after we last talked about it I went to my sister and said “OK. I’m in. We’re in. Let’s do this.” Surprise! I changed my mind! She was so excited, and we had another conversation about what this meant and that I was sure this is what we wanted. Yes, yes, and yes – Dave and I are so sure about trying this we’re ready whenever she is. She can change her mind at any time, as can we. She was donating her egg and her body to us. We were of one mind and soul so what’s hers was mine and mine hers. We look alike, we sound alike, so what did it matter if it was her or me that carried it? It didn’t. It would be our baby and she would be aunt. Just like if it happened the old-fashioned way.

We agreed that we would do three cycles of trying and then regroup if none of those worked. My sister has never tried to get pregnant before and while everything about her checks out great and looks fantastic on paper, we are more than well-aware that doesn’t mean everything. But let’s see what happens!

She was ready right away and said we’ll start with her next cycle which was July. We didn’t have much time to wait as it would be just around the corner. We began preparing by ordering some tools. We’ve both seen and heard about the Ava fertility bracelet on TV and social media. It’s like a Fitbit for ladies to track their cycles and for the device to “read” data about your body every day and give you information. It’s had good reviews, and we figured why not try it out and see what the latest technology has to offer. My sister also somehow stumbled upon an at-home insemination kit called Mosie months and months ago; first she passed the info along to me as an alternative to paying the doctor to do it, but it was just a curiosity at that point. Mosie came right to mind this time and she ordered a few kits – they had a “buy more save more” deal so we thought sure! Why not? We’re going to try this for a few cycles anyway so the more we have the better. Those shipped shortly after too and before we knew it all our DIY tools had arrived.

Ava bracelet fertility tracker/monitor

Mosie at-home insemination kit

Mosie at-home insemination kit box interior; one of 2 syringes in the kit shown

Her July cycle started and it was game-on. She was tracking with the Ava bracelet and texting me updates on what day she was on and how she was feeling. We were getting closer to the window of opportunity mid-cycle when ovulation would occur. We were skeptical of the bracelet only because it was new to us and neither of us knew anyone personally who had used it; so we decided to use a back-up of old fashioned ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) with some Clear Blue digital ovulation sticks. This was an experiment within our experiment – did the bracelet work? Suddenly she was thrust into the world I was achingly familiar with; pee on this, look at that, pee again – are we ready?!

Ava was tracking nightly and started to provide an estimated ovulation window with peak days. The OPKs weren’t flashing smiley faces yet, so we were getting nervous we’d miss the window. I told my sister to use two sticks a day just in case now, one morning and one night, because then we’d be sure to catch the peak times. Within another two days the Ava bracelet was alerting: peak fertility is anticipated. It’s go time!

July 4th 
With that update that we might be in the 4 days of peak fertility I brought the Mosie kit home to get Dave’s contribution. There is a little cup with a lid to use for collection. I obtained his portion, screwed the cap on tight, and hopped in my car. Insemination courier was my role – giving Reba The Mail Lady* a whole new meaning!  *This is a PeeWee Herman reference for those that don’t know

I drove to my sister’s house, prepped the syringe for her, brought it to her & left the room. She hollered when she was done and I sat and kept her company for the 30 minutes she needed to lay flat after. We talked about how crazy this was but how excited we were and giggled about life for much longer than the half hour. I loved it.

En route with the *ahem* special delivery

July 6th 
We wanted to maximize our chances of insemination working so used Mosie #2 two days after the first dose. Same routine: collect Dave’s portion, cap it up, drive it over, prep the syringe, pass it over. Sit, wait, have some sister time.

July 7th 
Since ClearBlue hadn’t yet registered with peak fertility (the OPKs only give you a 2-day window whereas Ava will provide 4 … that’s where the “doubling your chances” claim comes in) we did a third dose of Mosie just to be sure. Collect, cap, drive, prep, wait.

July 9th & 10th
Clearblue hit its peak fertility! Ava updated the window based on my sister’s body data and now matched the OPK. Schedules were crazy on Monday 7/9 so we instead said we’ll do a fourth and final Mosie dose on Tuesday. I couldn’t believe that our tools were synching and looked like they actually worked!

July 10th 
As planned, we executed Mosie #4. Collect, cap, drive, prep, wait. Ava confirmed based on her body’s data that ovulation was today!

Now the dreaded Two Week Wait. Only this time it was different. I was relaxed, I was excited. I even forgot at times that we were waiting to see if our wild scheme worked. It was completely different than the times before – it was so nice.  She laughed about how it felt like she was carrying this big secret, and how she felt so responsible and protective of the gift we were entrusting her with. This was so weird, so beautiful, and so funny at the same time!

My need to visualize what was happening still kicked in so I plotted out her cycle with the DPO evolution of a fertilized egg so we could look at it each day and imagine what might be happening. It helps in times when there is no action to take, nothing you can do to change what did or didn’t happen, and at least gives the illusion of control and insight in a situation where you have neither.

July 24th
Two weeks after ovulation fell on a #ChampagneTuesday (my mom, sister, and I get together every Tuesday for dinner & girl time, and it usually always involves a bottle of champagne). I said a prayer on the drive over that my sister’s period wouldn’t have started yet. I almost didn’t want to ask to keep the hope alive for just a little longer. But you know me, I can’t not know. So I asked, “did your period start today?” And to our amazement she replied, “No.” She always ran like clockwork, you could set your watch to how regular her body was. She was due for her period and it hadn’t started. Not even a hint that it was coming.
OH. MY. GOSH.
There’s a chance.

July 26th 
I pestered my sister for two days to take a pregnancy test, but she kept refusing. She didn’t want to jinx it and tried to get me to wait until the following Tuesday because then she’d be an entire week late and that would be really odd then.  But after MUCH persisting I convinced her with some stats: she was 16 days past ovulation (DPO) and the odds of having it be a correct positive was 94.9%.

The test would be definitive and statistically couldn’t really get any more accurate. Let’s test and see – and she gave in (little sisters are good at wearing you down LOL) I put in a Target drive-up order of 2 boxes of tests. First Response (FR) was a pack of 3: 1-minute rapid, standard, and digital. ClearBlue (CB) was a 2 pack of digital. Just in case.

I drove to my sister’s house and her, my mom, and I gathered around. Dave stayed home, he was nervous and just wanted to hear the results from me. I can totally understand that, but I just had to be there. She was amazing in wanting to make sure I was as involved as I could be since this was my baby, and said she’d collect her urine in a cup and I could be the one to dunk the tests and see the results first. It was a wonderful idea that made me so happy, it’s as close to me testing myself we could get – but I was also so nervous. We decided we’d try the standard First Response with the pink lines first, and then confirm with a ClearBlue digital. I walked in the bathroom and dipped the FR test. I could barely open the package for the CB one when I watched with astonishment as the result spread across the FR screen … there were 2 lines. Clear as day. Pink and solid and beautiful.

WE’RE PREGNANT!!!!!!

I screamed immediately: “Oh my god! There’s two lines!” My mom and sister were in her living room and rushed in, in disbelief. They saw it with their own eyes and still couldn’t believe it. I started crying, and they urged me to do the CB digital to confirm or deny. That test is supposed to take up to 3 minutes to ‘think’ before displaying the result. It appeared within 30 seconds: PREGNANT

We cried, we hugged, I called Dave on speaker and told him. We couldn’t believe it. Our project, our insane DIY at-home experiment, worked. We are having a baby! We did a third test just to be sure – what would the odds be that two different brands across three tests would be wrong in the same way? In my hand I had three positive tests; our dream came true. Can you believe it?!!!

Dave is terrible at keeping secrets so he told his sister that next week and then we scheduled an impromptu visit to his parents for that weekend – we had to tell them too. It was their wedding anniversary coming up on the 11th so we played it off like we were swinging by to drop something off and then just happened to get them a card and gift. The card was normal, the gift however contained a positive test and a onesie. Their reaction was everything I’ve ever dreamt of and made it so real. We told them the entire story and they were so supportive and so happy. It was news I had been hoping to tell them for years, and news we started to doubt we ever would be able to, but here we were. It was one of the best moments of my life.

My sister called her OBGYN to make an appointment to confirm the results. On Thursday, August 9th her and I went to the doctor and settled in for an ultrasound. There on the screen, in black & white, was our baby. I saw the heartbeat fluttering. Everything looked fantastic. We met with her doctor next to discuss timing and next steps, and then we went to lunch to celebrate. It was crazy to see that with my own eyes and be able to share that with her.

Gestational Age = 6 weeks, 4 days

August 23rd 
It was time for our 8 week doctor appointment and to our surprise we got another ultrasound! Normally the office has a rule about how many folks can be in the room, but we aren’t normal. Dave, me, and my sister all filed in and got ready. And there it was again, clear as day in black & white, our baby. We couldn’t believe how much it had grown and changed in two weeks. It actually looked like a baby, with clearly defined and developing arms and legs. They pointed out the yolk sac and showed us the heart beat again. Miraculous, amazing, beautiful are all understatements. We got more print outs of the ultrasound images to take home and cherish, and they’re still hanging on our kitchen cabinet door right now.

Gestational Age = 8 weeks, 4 days

September 6th
Week 10 doctor appointment! Blood work for my sister to send for genetic & carrier testing just so we can know more and be prepared just in case. The three of us filed into the room (we must look like an insane entourage – who else travels with that many people?!) and today we got to hear the heartbeat. Strong and clear, and again miraculous, amazing, and beautiful are all understatements. That was music to my ears and has me awestruck every time I listen to it. Her doctor says that at this stage the chances of a miscarriage are so small, and I heard in a video that once you see & hear the heartbeat it’s only a 3% chance of something going awry now. Anything can happen in the next 30 weeks, but for now things look great.

*********************************************

And here we are. We hit the 12 week mark this past weekend and it feels like a major milestone has been met. We’re nesting and preparing and enjoying every single day. My sister has been through the ringer with all the classic pregnancy symptoms of nausea, insomnia, bloating, and I feel terrible for her. I wish I could offload the yucky side and feel that for her. But I can’t, so I will just try to be supportive and pray that she starts to feel better in the second trimester.

We’re in awe every day about our scheme that is working. Every time I see one of the ultrasound photos, hear the heartbeat that I recorded, or find myself nesting and preparing I am dumbfounded with wonder and amazement. God works in mysterious ways and I’ve learned to turn this wheel over. I give in and give up – what He wants to do is what will be done. For some reason this is the journey I had to go on, and in it lessons are learned about trust and faith. I am still nervous for each day, each week, each milestone, but I let myself be swept up in the joy and excitement more often than the worry.

Pregnancy apps have been giving me day by day, week by week updates on our baby's growth & changes - I love the size comparisons! LOL

Some people will not understand the choices we have made as a family or as individuals, and that’s completely OK. Our choices are not right for every person. Just like having children at all is not right for everyone, or adopting isn’t right for everyone – all those decisions are valid and correct. But this wild ride was the right decision for the three of us at this time in our lives. Is it uncomplicated? No, far from it. Is it ideal? No, not at all. In an ideal world I would have gotten pregnant years ago and we’d already have children. In an ideal world the assisted reproductive techniques (ART) we tried would have worked. In an ideal world I would be carrying my own child. But – surprise – this isn’t an ideal world. Why did it take me so long to remember that?

Love makes a family and there is no shortage to the love we all have for each other and for this little one on the way. Modern families come in all shapes & sizes, and ours is right there too. We are laying the groundwork for the legality of this arrangement but that is secondary to the total experience. We can never thank my sister enough for this, words will never be able to capture our humble gratitude, appreciation, and love for her. I told you, best friend or sister aren't enough to describe us - we are soul mates.

So there you are. Up to speed on how we got here and what’s next. We have our 12 Week ultrasound & appointment this week and I’m so excited. We’re all so excited. And I’m so happy to be able to share this with you all. You’ve been here for me in the ups & downs, and it’s time to enjoy this ‘up’. Celebrate with us and I’ll continue to keep you updated!

By the way, our due date is March 31st. That date happens to be the anniversary of my Grandma Trudy's passing. The namesake for this entire diary. Divine intervention indeed.

xoxo

Project Baby: Update

Hi there.  It's been awhile.  Almost 3 months actually.  A lot has changed, and a lot has stayed the same.

I have a new job!  That's great, great news.  But, it's been a rough day so forgive me if I'm hard-pressed to find more to be excited about today.

We still aren't pregnant.  We still don't have a baby.

I get asked a lot: have you considered adoption?  Have you considered surrogacy?  Let me answer both.

Adoption: yes, but only briefly.  I understand that there are many, many children who need loving parents and safe homes.  However, there's something to be said for having a child of your own DNA, someone who has your crooked nose or squinty eye.  Someone to carry the family legacy that you feel so proud to be part of - strong men and even stronger women who deserve to be carried in to a new generation.  Adoption is also expensive and complicated, costing around $15,000 for one child for domestic adoption.  And there are waiting lists. Do you match a mother's expectations? Does she match yours?  So while we never say "never" or "no" - that's not an option for us at this time.  Call me crazy - I call myself that plenty.

Surrogacy: yes, we've considered surrogacy but damn if that's not just as complicated and expensive as any other option.  The route we thought was open for us is now filled with legal landmines that lawyers have declined helping us on.  Another door closed.  For now.  And do you know the cost associated with that?  If I can't squeeze out my own egg we need to buy one from a donor, and then either implant in me or find a gestational carrier.  Both cost more money than you can imagine - minimum $10,000 and all the way to up to $100,000 in cases I've read about.  Staggering, and unfortunately out of reach for us.

As I sit here today feeling frustrated and defeated (again) I can't help but have regrets.  Why didn't I start trying sooner?  Why didn't I get tested sooner?  Why didn't I have gastric bypass when I was 18 and had insurance coverage so that I wasn't faced with weight being a factor for IVF?  Why did I quit the job that offered health insurance with infertility coverage?  Why can't we get pregnant?  WHY ME?????

I know life isn't fair.  I know I've been blessed in other ways.  I know I have a ton to be thankful for in my life, and I am.  But that doesn't make today any easier.  I'm not asking for perfect, I'm not even asking for easy - I'm just asking for us to catch a break.  When will this work for us?

Or terrifyingly: what if it doesn't?

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: 11:33am

Well guys, the phone call came.  And it was not the good news we were all hoping for.

Negative. 
Zilch. 
Nada. 

Disappointment doesn't begin to describe it.

We will be OK, we'll survive -- hell, we already did.  I just don't know what's next yet.  Actually, I do know what is next, I just don't know when it is.

If we were ready to jump into Cycle 2 that would start within 1 week; crazy right?  I would call when my period started and schedule my baseline ultrasound, get my prescription for Femara, and we'd be right back in the thick of it within 7 days.

BUT.

I still don't have a job, and we foot the bill for this 100% out of pocket.  I have bigger fish to fry right now.  This is a luxury we can't afford this month, so we're out for April unless we get a different kind of miracle.

I hope to be back at it in May, and whenever we do pick it up again I'll be right back here to document.  We have so many folks rooting for us that collectively there has to be enough good joo joo and prayers for Heaven to hear us.  Until then, you're welcome to stick around and see what else I might have cooking.  It's rarely dull in our house, and come hell or high water we won't be benched for long.

So put me in, Coach, I'm ready to play.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Light at the end of the tunnel

It's Monday night, just after 10pm.  The two week wait is almost over - the end is in sight.  My blood test is tomorrow at 7:40am -- made while I still had a job and didn't want to be late to work.  Now, jobless for the moment, I'm wishing I would have made the appointment for a little later in the morning LOL

I doubt I'll be able to go back to sleep when I get home - and that is going to make for a long day of waiting.  The results will start rolling out of their lab around noon - so anytime between 12pm and 4pm is when the phone call will come.  I'm so tired of waiting; actually, tired isn't the right word anymore: I'm weary.

It's been a long month filled with highs, lows, ups and downs.  We've done everything we're supposed to do.  I've been to every appointment, taken every pill, done the blood work and taken my shot.  But as I sit here tonight I'm not convinced it worked.  And that bums me out.

You read online about the women who "just know" that they are pregnant.  That intangible, indescribable feeling, intuition.  I've thrown the question out to the TTC chat boards - and not one woman could give me a better answer than "I just had a gut feeling I was pregnant".  Thanks, super helpful.  I am having none of those feelings that I can tell - strike one.

I've also failed in my quest to steer clear of the HPT (home pregnancy tests).  I peed in a cup yesterday evening and dunked 3 -- and then peed in a cup again tonight and dunked 2 more.  I don't see anything there that would give me a glimmer of hope to hang on to.  Line Eye kicks in after too much staring and you could swear you see something; but my most rational self chimes in and says "No, not this time."  Strike two.

So where does that leave me tonight?  Almost at the end of the road of Cycle 1, and not feeling very hopeful that there will be good news coming to me tomorrow.  I try to muster bravery; but I'm already cracking as I type.  I feel the tickle in my nose and the warmth of tears behind my eyes.  Maybe if I let some of the disappointment out now, the blow won't be so hard tomorrow.

I don't want to be a pessimist, but I also don't want to be naive.  I also never wanted this 'diary' to be a woe-is-me, 'take pity on me' project -- that wasn't the point or intention.  However, there is real emotion that goes along with this journey and that's part of the story.  So, I'll share that too.  I hope you won't mind, and I'll hope you'll still come back when we start Chapter 2.

For tonight, I will log off and get some sleep before my appointment (now only 9 hours and 14 mins away).  Either way the news goes tomorrow there will be a delay in posting the results - I want us to be able to share the final update with our parents first, and digest it ourselves before sharing with the world.  I will get the update online as soon as I'm ready - so trust that it will come and you will know soon enough as well.

Until then, I leave you with a photo of my dip strips from last night.  If you see something, say something - I will take all the hope I can get tonight.

Anyone?

xoxo

P.S. - thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and support this month.  We are so blessed and so appreciative to have so many people in our corner rooting for us.  It means the world.  💗

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Down the rabbit hole

It's Thursday and I'm reaching the limit of my patience and starting to obsess.  I warned you this would happen - and like clockwork here we are.

I'll let you in on my compulsion - just so you can get a glimpse at how all-consuming this Project can be for a woman who has been trying, trying, trying and hoping, hoping, hoping.  Here is the story of my shame ... lol

It started last night.  I went pee around 9:30pm and had a passing fancy to see if the pregnancy tests I had would even function correctly if I dipped it in the toilet.  Why?  Who knows!  Boredom maybe.  So, let's crack one open and dunk!  It did work - and to my not-surprised, but still disappointed, eyes there was no line to indicate pregnancy.  I was 6 DPO (days past ovulation) and my logical self reminds my crazy self that there is no way, in any realm of possibility, that any pregnancy test ANYWHERE would pick up the hormone yet.  But, I was still disappointed.  Why do I torture myself?  Good question.  I have no idea - sick sense of humor maybe?

So, I go to the internet.  Nothing good can come of internet "research" past 10pm -- and I was sucked into the rabbit hole of community chat boards and online countdown tools.  Oh boy (or girl!)

There is one site in particular that I have gone to many (many) times to look at other people's pregnancy tests and click on DPO to see what symptoms I should be looking for.  It could be a very helpful site for normal folks ... I am not one of them, though.  You can enter your cycle information, capturing dates tracking your cycles.  Helpful.  Then there are calculators to give you every date you might want to know: peak fertile days, estimated implantation date, due date, and even a Chinese gender predictor that takes your age and month of ovulation and spits out what gender your fictitious baby will be.  Not so helpful ... but, oh, so addicting.

Of course I looked at them all and 'tested' them out.  And they fed right into my hopes and dreams that this will be the cycle that works.  First was the implantation calculator:

Based on 3/15/18 being the date my egg was released into the wild it says Saturday is the most common day to expect implantation to occur.  That's still 2 days away - so no wonder I didn't see any line on the dunked-in-the-toilet test strip!  Don't panic yet - it's just too early.  (I can talk myself into a lot of things LOL)

Then there is the due date calculator.  I'll give some backstory first to go with this one - again, just so you can see how my mind and emotions spin and whip into a frenzy.  About 18 months ago my sister had a medium/healer/etc over to her house to meet with her, our mom, and me.  We believe in mediums and that there are some people who can bridge the gap between the physical and spiritual worlds -- to each their own, but it brings me joy and comfort so I do believe it.  My primary questions/concerns were around having children and during my reading I was given a timeline of 2 years and that there is a baby girl waiting for us.  Two years seemed like a long ways away - the reading was in December 2016 so that would put us in December 2018.  I've often thought of that day and experience and it planted the hope and faith that parenthood would indeed happen for us - one day.  It's a nice feeling to have hope.

Ok, so back to last night, looking at the due date calculator.  I see it as an optional tool to use and say to myself  "oh, why not?  It'll be fun!  Let's just pretend!"  So I plug in the date of ovulation based on my trigger shot timing etc and it spits out an estimated due date:

I'd be due in December 2018.  Immediately I think of the words and messages from that reading in Dec 2016 -- that's 2 years.  Wow - wouldn't that be cool???!!!

Then I see the Chinese Gender Predictor and again say to myself "oh, why not?  It'll be fun!  Let's just pretend!"  So, plug in my age at time of ovulation/fertilization (33) and select the month that it happened in (March).  Here is the gender prediction:

Again, I think of the words and messages from the reading in Dec 2016 -- there's a baby girl for us on the other side.   This tool is predicting to give us a girl (and the site says it's over 75% accurate so it must be true).  Wow - spooky.

I tell Dave my nuggets of intel and he sweetly humors me; agreeing that it's interesting and yes, that would be cool.  He's not one to get his hopes up because the letdown is that much worse.  I totally get it - but if I don't have hope and get a little excited that this time is our turn I'd be putting that negative energy into the universe and could contribute to failure.  I can't have that - I need to believe that it's possible.

So here we are.  5 days away from the blood test still.  And I can't help myself.  It would be amazing, it would be thrilling, it would be so cool if she was right.  In 5 days I'll know the answer for sure - one way or the other - and the definitive nature of having an absolute answer to this very big question is scary.  So for the next 5 days I will hold on to the hope that this is our time, it's our turn, this could really happen for us.

I like this rabbit hole - it's what I need right now.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: TWW

Sorry, I forget that not everyone is part of the TTC community sometimes.  TTC stands for "trying to conceive".  There is a lot of lingo and a lot of acronyms you learn when you aren't blessed with "luck" while trying to get pregnant.  TTC, TWW, BD, AF.... LOL

Since you're honorary members of this community by declaration of ... well, me ... I will now teach you the language.  Here are the most common, not in alphabetical order because I am wild like that:

TTC
Trying to conceive: trying to get pregnant

BD
Baby dancing: making woopee; sex

Sticky Beans
Fertilized egg that you hope will implant in the uterine lining

AF
Aunt Flo: menstrual cycle; the period.  The bane of a woman's existence while TTC.

BFN
Big Fat Negative: negative pregnancy test.  Also an arch enemy while TTC.

BFP
Big Fat Positive: positive pregnancy test

DPO
Days past ovulation: pretty self-explanatory

TWW
Two Week Wait: the time since ovulation or trigger shot before you should take a pregnancy test

And that's where we are right now.  The TWW.  My trigger shot was exactly one week ago today, and exactly one week from today is my pregnancy test at the doctor's office.  It's the shortest-longest wait in history.

This first week went by quickly - there was a lot going on outside of PB to keep my mind occupied.  This next week is the hard part.  I've been here before.  I get cocky after Week One thinking "wow, this is easy - my doctor's appointment will be here in no time".  But, just when I feel confident in my patience and self-control is when my obsessive tendencies kick into high gear.  I'm far enough away from the trigger shot and 'active' phase of the cycle that I feel like something should be happening and that it should be time to start feeling something if it worked.  And I'm far enough away on the other side from the blood test to get impatient and want to "just see" if it all worked this time.

It's especially dangerous for me this round as I have a box of 50 pregnancy test strips just sitting in my bathroom - ready to go.  I don't know why I torture myself like this; it's far too soon to test and either I'll get discouraged or prematurely ecstatic.  It's a Catch 22.

It's too soon to test at home for several reasons.  First is that I'm only 5 DPO (testing your language retention here!) and I have not yet metabolized the trigger shot.  If you remember, the trigger shot is made up of HCG - the same hormone that is measured in pregnancy tests.  I'd get a BFP if I took one right now and that would not even be close to being accurate.  The rule of thumb is 1 day per 1,000 USP units of HCG.  Since my dose was 10,000 USP it will take me 10 days to flush it from my system.

The second reason it would be too early to test at home would apply even if we were doing this the old fashioned, unassisted way.  I'm still only 5 DPO and according to some handy charts I found online a fertilized egg isn't even implanted in my uterus yet -- so no test would pick up on a pregnancy.  Here's an example of said illustration:

I've charted my cycle on here so you can see where I'm at.  Well, let's be honest - I customized this to my cycle so each day I can open this chart and visualize what my body is doing.  I've heard visualization is a good tool; and as I've mentioned before, I am willing to try just about anything in case it works.

So, today was Day 5: early blastocyst.  The next two days are late-stage and implantation would start Friday into Saturday.  Sunday is Day 10.  It is going to take all the will-power I have to not take one of the 50 pregnancy tests sitting in my bathroom.  I don't know if I'll make it; if I don't I will let you know my shame LOL  If I do, I'll let you know my victory!  Until then I will keep marching ahead for the last leg of this TWW hoping for my BFP.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: TGIF

Happy Friday!  It's been a week.

In non-baby specific news, I lost my job yesterday.  On the most basic level, it sucks - we aren't independently wealthy so we need both incomes to pay the bills.  On a truer level to my heart: I am relieved.  I have been really unhappy and stressed at my job for the past 6 months, and I felt freer and lighter yesterday than I have in a long time.  I didn't even cry - which for me is really saying something.  I know that I will find another job soon; I am smart and have a great background of experience.  I see this as a time to reinvent what I want my working life to be like, and I'm embracing the door that has been opened for me.

OK, back to what we're all here for.  Project Baby.  It's Friday.  We "baby danced" as instructed yesterday morning ... 5am was really early for that kind of exercise.  Nothing like setting an alarm for sex!  So today now starts Luteal Phase Support.

Google definition from www.webmd.com

Image from www.babymed.com

As stated above, the luteal phase is the final stage in the menstrual cycle.  It's after ovulation and when the egg would be fertilized and looking to implant in the uterine lining.  It's crucial for pregnancy support to have progesterone be at the right level to support implantation.  So, to ensure I have the hormones I need to, I have to supplement with progesterone vaginal suppositories.  You read that correct - I need to stick some pills up in my nethers for the next two weeks.  

Since we've been through this process before, this isn't new and I knew it was coming.  However, that doesn't make it any more exciting.  I have to insert the pills twice daily.  They are a gel tablet consistency, and the outer casing dissolves.  Meaning: I'm oozing the contents that don't get absorbed.  Lovely, right?

From my experience the pills come in two colors: bright, neon yellow or a rusty pink.  Neither are natural, normal colors for secretions so both are slightly alarming at first.  This time I got the rusty pink ones - time to pad up.

 

First dose is in, and every 12 hours for the next 12 days you'll find me in the bathroom.  This is the last 'active' part of this first cycle; the last 24 (now 23) actions I can execute that give me a sense of control over this process.  That control is just an illusion, I know - our fate is in God's hands now and whatever is meant to happen will happen.

So, again, I ask: Jesus, take the wheel.  I want to enjoy the scenery on this trip, so it's time for you steer this ship.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Badabing

Warning: long needles ahead (leave now or scroll fast if squeamish) and some sex talk - calm down, it's how we all got into this world.

I am very close with my mom and sister.  We're the Three Musketeers and have been together for a very long time.  They have built my foundation and hold me up, with Dave as the reinforcement and protection.  Without them I don't know who or where I would be, and I am reminded each day just how damn lucky I am to have them all in my life.

The three of us have a long-standing date each week for Champagne Tuesday.  We get together after work, have dinner (home cooked meals by Momma cannot be beat), we watch our favorite show, we have champagne (of course!), and we have a lot of laughs.  I love our dates!  And just because the trigger shot day falls on Tuesday will not get in the way of our tradition ☺  Have shot, will travel!

The trigger shot is 10,000 units of HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) and will tell my follicle(s) to release the egg(s) they have been cultivating for the past week and a half.  This medication comes in brand name (Novarel) or generic (Pregnyl).  The brand name was very low on stock last time we did this, so they've been stocking the generic instead.  Makes no difference whatsoever, and still costs $111.  You read that right - $111 for one shot, for one month.  You can bet I handled it with great care; whoever thought to pack it in glass vials has a sick sense of humor.

The $111 gets you the one vial of HCG and one vial of a sterilized solution to reconstitute it; the HCG comes as a dehydrated white powder that dissolves and mixes with the sterile solution into a clear liquid for intramuscular injection.

The trigger comes with very specific instructions from the doctor's office: must be administered between 6-8pm.  I left work about a quarter after 5 o'clock yesterday and rushed home to shower and change, getting to my mom's right around 6:30.  I realized once I got there that I wasn't entirely confident in how much of the sterile solution to mix with the HCG - yes we've done this before, but that momentary panic of doubt hit me.  I can't mess this up, we have one chance to get this part of the process correct.  Thankfully there is always a doctor on-call from our clinic, so a quick phone call to the 24 hour answering service and I had a call back in less than 5 minutes.  Even though it comes with 10ml of soluction, 1ml is all I need.  OK, perfect.  I can do this.

Since it was Champagne Tuesday, hubby got off the hook from administering this shot.  Made him nervous and sweaty just thinking about it last time we did this, so I think we were both relieved.  LOL  My mom stepped up to the plate, and my sister came along to document. Time to prep.

The Pregnyl HCG, alcohol prep pads, needles, and a sharps container for disposal

Since I had my squad to help, I have a series of photos to walk you through the process at a very high level (disclaimer: for education purposes only and not to be considered instruction; talk to you health care provider for real instructions)

Preparing the shot takes about 10 minutes, and yes I was shaking.  But it's ready, so I need to be ready.

I had my nurse on Monday circle the proper location for the injection site, and she happily obliged (even giving me two options - one on each side).  They thankfully use permanent marker, so it doesn't wash off easily and stayed through showering.  Hence the bulls-eye on my butt!

This shot is painful for me.  Not so much the needle, it's the HCG itself.  It burns.  And it leaves a sore spot that is tender for a day or two.  I'm sure some women don't bat an eye, but for me it lingers.  However, in no time at all it's done and in -- hooray!  (And thank you again to both my girls for helping; it really does take a village!)

Since this starts ovulation, it's very important to have some sperm there to meet up with the egg when it's released.  So, as you could guess, we needed to make whoopee last night.  These are also very specific directions from the doctor's office on what dates and times to "get busy".  We have to do it after the trigger shot and then again Thursday morning (in lieu of insemination this time around we're trying it the old fashioned way for a cycle).  Thursday is going to be a very early morning.

This is when sex can feel like a job, versus the loving experience between husband and wife it should be.  When it gets to be scheduled and regimented it can take the personal connection out of it - so for us it's important to make that much more of an effort and to still enjoy the experience.  I've heard this from so many couples trying to conceive, but especially those going through ART too.  There are deadlines, due dates, and schedules to work with and it can take the fun out of it.  If you're going through this know you aren't alone - and try to find ways to bring it back to just you two.  You can put a lot of pressure on yourself when you think too much, so try to slow down and make the most out of it.

At any rate, we checked off our list of To Dos last night; gold stars for us. 

Badaboom.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Case of the Mondays

Ugh.  Daylight Saving Time is for the birds - it was so dark out this morning!  I dragged my tired ass out of bed and arrived to the doctor for my 7:15a appointment ☺

There were a few other patients in the waiting room today, but one couple in particular caught my attention.  They looked like they had been tossed on the loveseat and had been there for days.  The husband had his eyes closed, trying to catch a few winks while waiting for whatever was to happen next.  Made me laugh - I feel ya buddy.

Back to Room #2 - the Green Room.  I like the other light panels better, the ones with more colors.  These are getting a little putrid to look at.

Saddle up.  Today's ultrasound nurse was a no-nonsense worker, in and out with little talk or fanfare.  My lining is still at 6mm, so no better than yesterday (but that's slower to increase and there is still time for it to thicken more while waiting for fertilization to happen).  She only wanted to measure the 2 largest follicles today; my dominant is around a 17mm average diameter now, with the second largest at a 12mm.  I saw the other friends, though - they'll be the backup dancers to this months show.

My results today

I figured some pictures of what I see would be helpful, so went to the world wide web to pull some for reference (since I'm not allowed to record my own visits).  Here are a few to illustrate:

Endometrium - you can see a whitish line through the middle (from side to side), with what appears to be thicker gray bands on either side.  That is the endometrium lining and what the fertilized egg burrows into in the uterus.  (image from: http://www.fertilityclinicmumbai.com/iui/iui-how-to-proceed.html)

Follicles - each black dot is a follicle that is working within the ovary and might produce an egg.  The dotted lines usually measure the diameter of each black dot in both directions to provide the average mm size. (image from: http://www.fertilityclinicmumbai.com/iui/iui-how-to-proceed.html)

Dominant Follicle - The largest black circle is the dominant follicle - this will be the one that is most likely to produce an egg this cycle; you can see small ones to the left as well.  (image from: http://www.fertilityclinicmumbai.com/iui/iui-how-to-proceed.html)

Ok, now that you're all caught up we can get back to me (LOLs).  All done with the ultrasound, so I got dressed and the nurse came in to chat.  Another new (for this cycle) lady, and she was a hoot.  We talked about our plan (more details to come tomorrow on this, we've made some modifications as a couple) and she was totally on-board and supportive that we are in control of what happens.  That said, she wants my dominant to get just a little bigger still.   Trigger shot of HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) tomorrow night, timed intercourse book-ending it, and then luteal phase support starts on Friday...with vaginal suppositories.  My favorite.

We're in the thick of it now (no pun intended) and it's go time.  Please, Lord, let this work.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Deja vu

Sunday after Daylight Saving Time.  8am came really, really early.  Groggily I got up, got dressed, and left to head to the doctor.  Being so early on a Sunday morning I again expected a quiet waiting room.  It was the opposite, and from what I could tell based on staff and client mix there were a lot of egg retrievals going on today. 

I always wonder about strangers, what their lives are like and what their stories are - but especially so at the baby doctor.  I can tell the newbies from the veterans - if it's husband and wife in together with a stack of papers those are the new folks.  They are just starting and have no idea what lies ahead.  Not dissimilar from those of us who have been around the block before - but most of us fly solo on appointments these days.  There are too many for both partners to attend them all.  It's like having a part time job with on-call hours only. 

We're all linked in this same quest for children.  I have yet to see the same woman or couple twice, so haven't made any new friends.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  Sometimes when you have a problem or hardship you don't want to dwell on it and having a friend where that's the only thing you have in common could be consuming.  Still, it would be nice to be friendly with a couple in the same boat -- there are so many details and feelings that can be hard to convey to folks who haven't done this before.  But everyone keeps to themselves here, not a lot of chatter even among couples.  Nerves and anxiety equal silence.

With all the activity I had a longer than usual wait today.  Thankfully I didn't have anywhere else to be, so I just sat and listed to the music.  Being a medical facility they have a lot of equipment in use, and there are two table lamps in the waiting room that surge from time to time.  It's a subtle flickering, I imagine them sharing the same circuit as one of the high-perf machines; when that goes on these get stressed a little.  I wonder if anyone else who comes through this waiting room notices that they flicker sporadically?

Time to go back for my ultrasound.  Another new-to-me nurse today, she's really bubbly and seems like a chatter.  I like how friendly the staff are here, it makes it pleasant to come to appointments and you feel like they really do care about the success of your treatment.  We go to Room 5, first time in this room this time around!  There are no floral ceiling panels here, which is how I know I've been in it before.

Bright lights, big city

Time to look and see what I've been working on since yesterday's ultrasound.  Lining is measuring at a 6mm today (that's the minimum to provide ample depth for a fertilized egg to burrow into - yay!).  A few follicles to measure today:
1 = 16.1mm
2 = 11.2mm
3 = 11.4mm
4 = 10.6mm

Today's stats

So, the big one from yesterday didn't do much in a day, but I've now got 3 more that are measurable and could also produce eggs.  These are ones to watch as I might produce multiple eggs this cycle now.  There are a few smalls too, so the gang is all here.  Since none are still quite to 19mm, they want to see me again tomorrow.  We're going to go 3 for 3 and should have a definitive answer on when to trigger shot it up.  One more day.

So, here's to tomorrow.  And to all the couples that I saw this morning: I hope you get good news soon - I hope we all do.

xoxo


In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link:
https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc