8/19/14: Bachelor in Paradise - ep 3

Thank goodness this show is only a few weeks long, I don't know how much more I can take.  Elise is full-on bats**t crazy, and should volunteer for research studies on relationships, mental health, emotional health, and delusional tendencies.  I think she'd be a great candidate!  Does "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" exist in real life?  She may be the first documented case with her amazing ability to amnesia herself out of the Dylan slump and bounce back so quickly with Chris.

I was taking my puppy for a walk so missed the first 10 minutes of last night's episode, which I'd naively assumed would be busy recapping last week -- I was wrong.  We were introduced to a new cast mate during that time!  Who remembers Danielle from Juan Pablo's season?

???

Yeah, I didn't either.  Her hair is now blond and in desperate need of a VO5 treatment -- humidity is not her friend.

Her and Marquel went on a date, Elise and Chris went on a date, AshLee and Graham went on a date, and then Jackie from Sean's season showed up and snatched Marquel out of Danielle's grips for a date.

Happy to report that Chris injured himself, he embarrassed himself with some really inappropriate innuendos and suggestions, and Elise was too busy planning their wedding and future babies' names to care that she was portrayed as a hussy on tv.  Just as well,  after 2 dates they rode off into the sunset together and left paradise so Chris could heal in Chicago under Elise's careful watch.  She thinks she's Florence Nightingale, when really she's just eye candy for the wounded warrior.

Rose ceremony: Danielle goes home and flaps her hair over her face in the Reject RV (mature, healthy reaction), and as mentioned Chris and Elise Bukowski peace out.  Michelle Money (who I'm thoroughly tired of looking at) bawls her eyes out again when Chris saves her from impending doom and getting booted out of the house -- apparently since he didn't need to give his rose to Elise he felt the need to keep M&M around.  WHY??!!!  I was happy when it looked like she was going to leave ... don't dangle the dream and then snatch it away!

Next week we have a 2 parter on Monday/Tuesday -- there's an ambulance, some chick runs away to the jungle, AshLee raises the insanity bar again, and someone ends up bleeding.  All I gotta say is there better be buckets of blood around and not just some paper cut we're overly dramatic about.  Something needs to liven this up!

To stave off the frustration at how bored I am after this week, here's a montage of my ridiculously adorable dog:

Ah, I feel better :)

So cute, I can't stand it!  No wonder he can get away with murder ;)  And yes, that is the same dog in all 3 pictures - the headshot is right after he got his hair cut and the others are more recent.  His hair gets shaggy and curly as it grows, and man alive he's cute both ways!

See you next week!

8/12/14: Bachelor in Paradise - ep 2

Holy Hannah, these girls are insane!  I just have to throw that out there now and get it out of my system.  Yikes!!

Ok, now we'll start somewhat in order of events:

- Chris B. showed up (groan).  Is this creep's 15 mins of fame seriously not up yet?!
- The Marcus/Lacy/Robert tricycle was fodder for the rest of the cast to chat about
- Zack arrived (you know, the dude you forgot was ever on Des' season) and Clare finally had a legit love interest to coo over
- Michelle K. left last week because she fell for a crew member who broke both his legs trying to keep their budding romance a secret - his name is Ryan Putz.  Irony can be really painful :)
- As my friend M.G. pointed out, Lacy looks like a loris

I can't not see it now!!

Dylan was picking up on some Stage 5 Clinger vibes from Elise and told her to enjoy her time on the beach and get to know other people.  She took that as a test to make him jealous so immediately made out with Chris (ew).  Next day she told Dylan about it; he was grossed out (as he should be) and permanently parked her in the Friend Zone.  Elise took this as him being scared of his true feelings for her, and kept the hope alive that they would still come of out the show as a couple.  I'd love to know what color the sky is in her world, I get the feeling it's a rainbow with glitter and unicorns.

Hmm, pretty

As expected people went on dates, we got to see Sarah with One Arm put bracelets on (seriously, ABC - stahp), and we had our next scandal when Ben was caught with a love note.  He admitted to have fallen in love with some rando he met a few weeks before filming started, and willingly went home.  Not before quietly professing his allegiance to Turtle Power, though:

I hope this belongs to his son...

Time for the Rose Ceremony!  This week was the ladies' turn to hand out the roses and all was going smoothly until Elise.  She offered it to Dylan, who refused on the grounds of Friend Zone, which launched her into some really bizarre speech about her feelings, and her thoughts, and more of her feelings.  Like everyone else there, I didn't know what the heck she was talking about.  However you know you're off the reservation if AshLee is embarrassed for you:

Sadly Dylan was sent home last night, but I think he was relieved to be able to get some distance from Elise. I don't remember what we were teased with as reason to watch again next week, but without fail I will be there.

I leave you with a last-minute addition to your summer reading lists:

Once you're done reading, discuss among yourselves the many ways she showed her Crazy last night.  There were at least 100 so this should keep you busy until next Monday night :)

8/6/14: Bachelor in Paradise - ep 1

Alright, Bachelor Nation, we've started our journey through paradise to find luuurve!

The night started with 6 guys and 7 girls, with an 8th chick showing up later.  We've got Marcus, Marquel, Robert, Ben, Graham, and Dylan; then One Arm Sarah, Crazy Clare, AshLee, Daniella, Michelle, Michelle Money, Lacy, and pageant girl Elise.

This episode was also 2 hours long, and boy could you tell.  Here's a run-down (as short as I could make it):

1.  There were poor shoe choices:

Chris to the ladies: break a leg!  Um, I mean, good luck finding a man!

And more:

Marcus and Graham look like they are wearing either cement shoes, or those slippers that "look" like sneakers:

Why are the proportions so off?  Their feet aren't shaped like bricks, so I'm thoroughly confused.  At least Marquel wore actual slippers, I can appreciate his penchant for comfort.

2.  Did you know Sarah only has one arm?  (thinly veiled sarcasm, because we all know).  We get it.  She has ONE ARM.  She is self conscious about said ONE ARM.  She's the most normal girl there as far as mental and emotional stability, so I understand she needs a hook of some sort (no pun intended - they just come to me!) but let's stop harping on her handicap.

3.  Marcus has butt sweat:

ewwww

This is why you should always wear dark colored pants, bro.  No one wants to see that - especially when you're trying to land a chick.  Wonder if production keeps a spare pair like at daycare?  

4.  AshLee is NUTS.  She came to Mexico only because Graham would be there; they spent all of 10 seconds talking to each other and she was already planning their wedding.  Day 1 Clare got a date card and asked Graham; he accepted and that sent AshLee scurrying to the hotel in tears about how he was unfaithful.  PUMP YOUR BREAKS, chica.  Do you even know his last name???

AshLee's theme song (you're welcome for the earwig btw)

5. AshLee is dumb.  Not being mean, just stating a fact.  Her quote of the night in regard to the pre rose ceremony cocktail party: "I'm sure there are some girls who are nervous.  I'm sure they're doing some last-minute conversating."  Wow - Mensa member she is not.

6. No less than 3 women cried on night one: the aforementioned AshLee, Clare, and Lacy.  Random grievance since I'm talking about her: Lacy has a baby voice.  It makes me stabby.

7. I'm concerned for the innocent wildlife that were forced into cohabitation with these wackos.  Case in point, this unsuspecting little raccoon was the nominated therapist for Clare's meltdown:

I feel for ya, buddy

8.  I guess I should include that people went on dates.

In the end Michelle sent herself home, and Daniella was not given a rose.  Least flattering face at this news:

Perhaps that's why she didn't make any connections with the guys.  Just a thought :)

Well that takes care of the first episode - we're promised scandal and injury next week so I can't wait!  See you then!

7/28/14: The Bachelorette - Ep 12 FINALE!

Ok guys and gals, this is the night we've been waiting for!  12 long weeks, lots of tears, and countless scarves - and now it's finally time to bring this ride to an end.  Chris Harrison promises drama and stalker-esque tendencies from the rejected suitor - all of which sounds deliciously exciting to me :)

Let's start by joining Andi in the Dominican.  Nick/Lithgow is the first to meet her family (hi, Hy!) and they listen to the lines of BS Nick has to share.  Where's the Bachelor Farmer?  I need a shovel cuz it's getting deep in here.  He is still feeling confident about where he stands, so we bid adieu to him and get ready for the next guy.

Josh.  What can I say about him??  He's tall, dark, handsome, and seems to be the total package.  None of this is new information, but I just like talking about him because he's dreamy :)  He seemed very nervous to meet her family, but I think it was meant to be because he and Hy had on matching outfits:

MFEO

For not having met before they sure seem to be in sync with each other!  I can see the family portrait now.  Andi's family seemed to like Josh as well, but the icing on the cake for me was that he asked Hy for permission to propose.  Old fashioned, southern charm -- and I drank up every minute of it.

Time for final dates.  Josh got the advantage and went on a yacht ride, complete with snorkeling and then dinner.  Josh made Andi her own baseball card, which was a sweet nod to his personality and their 'journey' together.

Next we are forced to sit through another sputtering date with Nick.  Bleh.  They went off-roading and had a picnic in the forest.  Big whoop - move on.  He talks through his nose a lot, leading him to sound breathy and spitty when he speaks (hate it).  He needs to enunciate and not act so weird – he has talked to other humans before, yes?  He also talked with his hand in front of his mouth a lot, similar to this:

Their date seemed to stretch on for 40 mins our time (not really, but it just felt like it) most of which so he could waxing poetic about grocery shopping; I just wanted to hit the fast forward button.  His gift to her is a necklace filled with sand.  He claims he filled it from the beach he professed his love for her on, but I think he ordered it from Etsy.  Where would he have gotten the supplies??  If he did make it, it probably had some of his hair and teeth in it too - creep.

Josh is picking out rings with Neil Lane, where he picks out a pumpkin sized sparkler.  Then we cut to Andi knocking on Nick's door – which has the ominous music of impending doom.  Ooohhh!!  This is getting good!!  I can only hope she's dumping him ... please, let it be so! ... she's talking, she's getting choked up ... and then:

BOOM!

She brought the hammer down!  She doesn't feel it, he makes her think too much.  So long, farewell!  He's talking to the camera in the ride of shame but without subtitles I have no idea what he's saying.  Just as well, I don't really care.

Ok let's get to the proposal.  Josh shared his heart, Andi shared her internal monologue outloud (again), and finally said that she loves him!  I'd show you the montage of the proposal, but really let's just see that rock:

Yeah, baby!

There we have it!  Now the ATFR special.

Nick has been trying to talk to Andi since she sent him home (even showing up at the Men Tell All), but was constantly rebuffed.  He was there tonight, though, and it was awkward!!

More tears, more stuttering, and worst of all was he aired their very personal laundry on national television, which was really uncalled for and very ungentlemanly. Buck up dude, like you’ve never had Fantasy Suite experiences with a girl you didn’t love before?  Please.  Let’s not pretend.  Production didn't put a stop to their conversation soon enough, and since Nick was just wanting to beat a dead horse after dropping the S bomb about their overnight date, Andi was about to lay the smack down.  Best to get Nick off stage ASAP.

On to happier things we got to see Andi and Josh together and they are adorable.  I hope they make it, they seem to be a good fit.  Possible spring wedding, which I'm sure Des isn't happy about (what happened to her BTW, she fell off the Bachelor radar)

Well friends, that wraps up this season!  Thank you for sticking with me through the highs and lows of this season - it was quite the enjoyable ride!

Stay tuned for updates on Bachelor in Paradise, and who the next Bachelor is!  Any guesses??

7/21/14: The Bachelorette - Ep 11

Hi friends!  We started tonight's Tell All special with exciting baby news from Ashley and J.P.!!  Very fun to see they are still happy and expecting a child, though creepy that they were forced to do a live gender reveal.  I'm impressed Ashley found a dress that side zipped with just enough room for the doppler wand to roam around - but it was just a little weird.  Either way, congrats to them!

We dive in to our reunion by addressing the possible racism from Andrew, again.  He still dodged the question and pleaded the 5th, so Ron and Marquel said their piece and we moved on.  We then got to chat with Marquel, Marcus, and Chris.  Blah blah blah - their hearts are healing and the two M's will be on "Bachelor in Paradise" next month.

My highlights from tonight:

Marquel wore a cookie pin and pulled an Ellen by distributing Black & White cookies to the audience.  His pin:

Proving he is, in fact, the Cookie Monster.

Nick the golfer appears to have done some crop rotation on his head since he was sent home.  Here is his 'before' pic from the ABC cast bios as a reminder:

And now he has a full head of hair, teased and pomaded:

Suppose he used Bosley, or Hair Club for Men?

While some guys changed, others remained the same.  Namely Cody our Cupee Doll -- he is still under dressed and over-tanned:

Overall they all seem to have moved on.  No major teasers for next week's episode, so I can only hope it was all worth the wait.  See you next Monday to wrap this all up!

7/14/14: The Bachelorette - Ep 10

We're forced to watch Andi recap her relationships thus far with each of the remaining men, with a commercial break to look at Des in the Suave chair again, and then a promo for "Bachelor in Paradise" featuring Cody the Cupee Doll.  That's who we're supposed to get excited about?!  That's actually a deterrent for watching.

Anywho, let's get going with the overnight dates!  We start with Nick/Lithgow.

Andi: "I love that this is your first helicopter ride."  Well Andi, helicopters aren't that common for a mode of transportation in everyday life, and not everyone can be the Bachelor/ette.  Way to rub it in that he's a normie.

Nick took forever and a day to try to get out a sentence that consists of 3 syllables - and after lots of ums and uhs he still couldn't do it.  That's pretty regular for his speech patterns, he's not really one with the words.  At dinner he says he's quirky - that's a nice way of putting it - and twirled his hair while stumbling over his words some more.  Oh and he shared the creepiest handmade children's book ever - lamesauce!  Oh praise the lord, he finally spits out "I love you."  Andi's reaction was not dissimilar to this:

They head off to the Fantasy Suite and we fade to black (thank goodness).

Moving on we have our date with Josh.  I don't think the producers or Andi have any idea what else to do with him than feature him on the baseball field, as once again they headed to the diamond:

Andi sounds like a broken record still doubting Josh's feelings and if he's the 'type' to break her heart.  I honestly think that's just his delivery and inflection, mixed with his charm and good looks.  She seems reluctant to invite him to the suite but does so anyway.  We then spend a really uncomfortable 10 minutes watching them make out in the pool.  Voyeurism isn't my forte, so pardon me while I close my eyes and wait for it to be over.

Ah, better, time for the Bachelor Farmer Chris.  She drags him horseback riding through the countryside where they see lots of yaks and some farmers harvesting what looked like weeds.  They reminisce about how great his family was, how gobsmacked Andi was that womenfolk have jobs in Iowa !, blah blah blah.  After that we literally got to watch Chris' heart be broken on tv and Andi tell him it's just not going to work.  He's a sweet guy, and I feel bad that he was so invested and seemed to care so much and she just wasn't feeling it. Ouch.  On the lighter side I found a like-minded friend in this Tweeter:

Bwah hahahahaha!

We end with one of the most predictable rose ceremonies ever: Josh and Nick are the last men standing.  So, friends that wraps up our 10th episode & 9th week.  Be sure to tune in next week for the Men Tell All special!  And in two weeks we have our finale with the After special - I can't wait!!

Fun note of product placement for my employer:  Target Threshold brand hurricanes and vases!

Shop your local Target or target.com to find 3 sizes of the hurricane and several sizes/shapes of the blue vase :)

*I received no compensation to mention these products, it has become second nature to watch for Target items in shows and movies...I can't help it!

7/7/14: The Bachelorette - Ep 9

Will Andi live the life as a homemaker in Iowa?  Will she be overshadowed by a young footballer hoping to get drafted?  Or will Nick V. bring her “home” to a shallow grave?  Let’s find out!

We're off to our first destination: Milwaukee, home to serial killer Nick/Lithgow.  I've been hoping we'll actually meet his family members and not a pile of dead bodies in his freezer - so, fingers crossed!  Andi is too cool for a cheese hat, and they had awkward chemistry; he had his hands in his pockets the entire time ... if you're thinking you'll be engaged in 2 weeks wouldn't you hold hands or something?  They sampled the "Nick & Andi" brew conveniently placed at the brewhouse they toured.  My spidey senses tell me the special ingredient is roofies.  Probable internal monologue for Nick: "Let's get Andi a Big Gulp size!"  Their date was (thankfully) interrupted by a severe weather update, so we rejoined just in time to arrive to his house.  Nick's parents need a hobby stat - they have like 15 kids, including an alleged brother "Sam" that looks just like Nick.  I'm inclined to say "Sam" is Nick's alter ego, and given how creepy Nick is his family just pretends he's real.  Anyway, to stop the constant procreation I think his mom could take up scrapbooking and his dad should become an avid coin collector.  There's got to be something else to do in WI!  OItherwise, it's time for twin beds like the Petrie's:

That's the most contact Mr. & Mrs. Lithgow should have from here on out - neutral corners!

We left 19 kids and counting to go to Arlington, Iowa.  One snooze fest after another.  The Bachelor Farmer Chris is waiting for her while casually standing in front of a tractor.  He takes her for a spin on said tractor, and then they start to talk about the reality of living in Iowa.  Chris tells Andi that she has the opportunity to be a housewife -- she was as excited at that prospect as she would be about getting her annual lady check-up.  I think Chris has a better chance of becoming a househusband in ATL.  Let's gloss over those unpleasant conversations and meet his family!  I LOVE his mom - she is warm, funny, supportive...she gets a rose!  J/K but I wish, I would make her a new bestie!

Time to depart the Midwest and head south to FL!  Josh plays baseball with Andi, and then talks a little bit about his love for the game and it's bittersweet now that he doesn't play; sad face.  We get a preview of his brother Aaron who was waiting to be drafted in the NFL (real-time update he is now a KC Chief).  I finally realized why I am so smitten with Josh - his looks and drawl remind me of a young Elvis Presley -- DREAMY.  Andi is an attention-floozy and is off-put that Josh is asking questions about how his brother is doing instead of making the entire conversation about her.  Don't get me wrong, it's important they get to know her but this is normal family dinner table conversation to talk about other people.  Andi's already projecting problems with him being close to his family and worrying that Josh might want to go to a football game once in a while if his brother gets drafted.  Wow, lady - chill.out.  He has his own life/family/interests outside of you -- surprise!  Ugh, she's annoying on this visit. 

Let's move on to our final destination to visit Marcus in TX.  I wonder if the Benz is his or a rental?  What does he do again for a job?  Gad, I can't remember.  Whatever, nice wheels.  They go to an empty club and have champagne at 10AM.  This is a day in his normal life?  Oh wait, he's doing an encore stripper performance.  Please stop, that's just weird.  PS I've seen better moves at the '90s - maybe he should have had more bubbly.  Reminds me of the white-man-overbite in When Harry Met Sally:

That's hot.

Marcus' niece made them bracelets, and Marcus' mom had a confusing accent.  Where is she from?  Did I zone out while they did intros and explained their nationality?  Details, meh.  He brought our man tears to an even 4 for 4 -- at least our guys are predictable!

Now we are forced to deal with the loss of Eric Hill once again.  I warned you in week 2 that I can't handle anymore of that -- why must you torture us more ABC???  It was nice to see Andi have real emotions and regret the ridiculous argument she picked with him, but I don't want to be the therapist assigned to helping her work through that guilt.  To add some comic relief I played Spot-the-Scarf.  Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

Marcus!  With a side of capri pants

I should have been watching the credits closer for a list of sponsors for this season - there has to be a supplier that gets these guys new neckerchiefs week after week!

Dry your eyes because it's time for the Rose Ceremony (just know it's not me hustling you along, that's literally how the show moved.  Awkward and uncomfortable, and a little insensitive to be a peeping tom watching these people cry for a lost cast mate).  We bid adieu to Marcus.  I think his fashion sense was getting a little better than Andi's - and she was not about to have that.

Next week is our last elimination before the Finale!!  Stay tuned to find out how the Fantasy Suite dates go in the Dominican ;)

7/1/14: The Bachelorette - Ep 8

Let’s join the gang for a really rhymey episode in the hustle and bustle of Brussels!

The guys appear to have had fun shopping together in their downtime, picking up matching scarves to accent their outfits:

Marcus got the first 1:1 date.  Andi: “The big thing here is mussels, so let’s try some mussels.”

You mean, the muscles from Brussels?!

JCVD is the original, and dang that chihuahua is cute!

Sadly, no.  They have lots of fun eating and talking, and after it concluded Nick V. (Lithgow) decided to dupe the unsuspecting hotel worker and finagle a copy of Andi’s room key out of her.  He pockets the key and knocks on her door for a little after hours walk through Brussels – does anyone else wonder what he did with the key after?  Does he still have it?  Did the producers take it from him, or let it go and just say “hey, let’s see what happens!”?  At least they’ll have audio and/or video evidence if he ends up killing her …. Creep!!!!

Josh M. (McDreamy) gets the second and last one-on-one date where Andi still doubts his sincerity but folds to his charms when he tells her he’s falling in lurve with her.  Hook, line, and sinker!  They then enjoy another private concert by some chick dressed like a flapper and a guy. 

Moving on to the dreaded group date.  They frolic around the Brussels countryside, huff and puff up some train tracks, and Andi and Chris (The Bachelor Farmer) go to Pottery Barn!  Oh, wait, it’s not the store – it’s a barn where people do pottery.  That’s not nearly as much fun L  They have a Ghost moment while spinning the wheel:

that’s the color (and texture) of baby poo

Our first hometown date is awarded to Nick V./Lithgow.  I could hear the groans echoing through the television and throughout Bachelor Nation.  ISH.  I really don’t understand what she sees in this guy.  Superficially speaking I totally get why she has kept the other guys around, they are universally attractive.  Nick V., however, likes to keep his attractiveness under cloak and dagger.  I’m still trying to find it!  Reminds of an episode of Friends:

Monica: [about Emma's new nanny, Molly] “What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.”

Ross: “Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.”

By the end of this season we will all feel like we’ve earned it.  I’d like to V8-pop Andi on her head to knock some sense into her.

No time for that  now, so let’s glue some shards of glass to our dresses and go to the cocktail party:

Dylan was freaking out, Chris threatens Andi with Iowa (as a Midwestern girl that wouldn’t scare me, but I think our Atlanta/y’all chica is a little underwhelmed with that idea), and Nick V. weaseled his way in to Brian’s time with her and then turned on his crocodile tears in the confessional.  His tears looked more like they were smeared on with water droplets than so much as naturally produced from his tear ducts.  Ah, sincerity.

After some edited tension we said goodbye to Dylan and Brian.  I’m not at all surprised, they seemed like easy casualties to send home now.  Nice guys, but no spark.  They cried, Andi cried, but the mood was lightened in the closing credits as we watched Dylan chase Brian around with a pickle.  I’m leaving that one alone, it’s too easy.

Tune in next week as we see hometown dates!  Happy 4^th of July everyone!!

6/24/14: The Bachelorette - Ep 7

VENICE IS THE MOST ROMANTIC CITY IN THE WORLD.  Or at least that's what ABC is pushing us all to agree with since Andi declared it about 10 million times last night and some of the gals guys were saying it too.  I can appreciate the beauty without having to agree with her, yes?  I mean, bird feces isn't exactly my idea of romance:

We start with a 1:1 date with Nick V. aka Lithgow because Andi has some lingering doubts about him - maybe that we all suspect he's a serial killer in waiting?!  I think it's the way he stares at everyone, with his head tilted down and peering at you as if he were wearing glasses but isn't.  And he always sounds like he has something in his mouth - overly spitty like he's juggling some marbles a la My Fair Lady.  In case you couldn't guess, I really don't like him :-P

Next we went on our group date which brought the guys to a very old building to take lie-detector tests.  We found out that Dylan doesn't like to wash his hands, the Bachelor Farmer Chris is the secret admirer, that all of the men have passed gas in public, and that none of them can understand Italian accents.  The question was "Have you ever fought in public?" not "Have you ever fart(ed) in public?"  Given their collective lack of testosterone at least this made them all sound like tough guys and not just dudes with uncontrollable flatulence.

Pew.

Dylan left after his questioning because he had a tummy ache.  Apparently he took his mime training very seriously from last week because he felt the need to point to his ouchies instead of using verbal ques (aka WORDS).  From there we cut to a very uncomfortable sauna view of Cody and Nick - the tension was palpable if you know what I mean.

The last one-on-one date went to Cody aka Cupee.  He was pink with barely controlled glee at having some time alone with his best gal.  They joined the Juliet Club in replying back to some desperate pleas for help from strangers writing to a fictitious woman.  In his cutaway interviews he started tearing up - why, I have no idea.  Alarms starting blaring as he hit Stage 5 Clinger at dinner; gushing about how he can't wait to bring her home and is so excited about their relationship, etcetera.  Andi cut him off, pulled out her crocodile tears, and sent him home.  "I'm SO surprised!!" said no one.

Throw in some obligatory gondola rides and you're all caught up.  On to the rose ceremony!  I was really distracted by Andi's racer-back sequin dress so only caught the gist that Lithgow is solidified as the villain this season (why does anyone see him as a threat??), and J.J. is a very sore loser.  I expected him to cross his arms and pout on the walk out to the exit limo, but I happily settled for his tears.  I really am evil, aren't I?  Meh, you probably knew that already anyway ;)

We are whittled down to 6 as we head to Brussels next week!  Josh M. wants everyone to know how smart he is by toasting "To Belgium!"  Apparently he's not just a pretty face - there are some brain cells firing up there too!

See you Monday :)

6/16/14: The Bachelorette - Ep 6

Good evening friends!!  It felt like a month since the last regular episode, but we finally get back on this train to find our one true love.  While everyone else in the world is wrapped up in the World Cup, I'm siding with this girl:

At the risk of offending some of my favorite people, I really don't care about soccer.  Go Brazil/Spain/America -- whatevs, it's not hockey so it's not on my radar. And what is soccer without Beckham?!  Psh, you lost any hope of making me a convert the minute he retired.

We catch up with our Bachelorette in France.  She apparently doesn't have any love for CT: "Marseille is so romantic and the perfect place to fall in love."  Hold the phone, you're telling me Connecticut isn't?  Snob.

Andi speaking French: "She my pal Andi" which is supposed to be "Je m'appelle Andi" ... she should have just said NO when Harrison asked if she speaks any French.  This is why they hate Americans!

Time for our first commercial break; lo and behold it's our first dose of Suave!  For those that haven't been watching this season, Suave is a major sponsor of the Bach franchise and every episode this season has provided us at home with some invaluable tips (and totally insightful conversations) on hair care -- brought to us, of course, by show alum.  We've been forced to watch as Des (the last Bachelorette), Catherine (Sean's wife), and DeAnna Pappas (from like 8 seasons ago) get their hair styled for some nonexistent date with their men.  Tonight did not disappoint - we saw Catherine and Des keep Andi company for her spin in the beauty chair.  Of course she was all giddy talking about how she might be engaged the next time she sees these gals, and Des tried to muster up every ounce of genuine support she could to say "Congratulations".  It doesn't touch my heart as much when spoken through clenched teeth, and I sense her thoughts were "my wedding better air before hers does".  LOL

While Josh is on his date we find out that batgirl Andrew is not only a gigolo but also a bigot.  I am wringing my hands in anticipation for how the girls guys will confront him with this.  I can picture his incredulous stinkeye now and je tiens à le frapper (beat that, Andi!).  But let's not get ahead of ourselves, back to Josh's date.  They boated around Marseille and had dinner at Palais Longchamps.  After dinner we're all forced to sit through another private concert. For those following along that's 3 already this season and we're only on episode 6 (5 if you don't count which last week which we don't). I still don't know who these singers are but he kind of looks like Jef with One F from Emily Maynard's season.  Good to see him again, he took Anal Emil's cue to earn some coin from the show when their relationships didn't work out!

Moving on we have our group date.  She makes the guys be mimes in the middle of the city.  'Nuff said - this is terrifying:

This is what nightmares are made of.

I.HATE.CLOWNS.  And mimes are the jailbird cousins of clowns, so I hate them too.  So creepy.

Man drama at the group date cocktail hour with confrontations between Lithgow and Cupee Doll, and Batgirl and Marquel.  Andi has intuition for tension:

She confronts each guy and gets to the bottom of the issues.  Summarizing it up Batgirl basically said he wanted to go home, Lithgow was totally FML on the entire date, and J.J. cashed in and got the rose.

Time for Basketball Brian's 1:1 date.  They watch a movie and try to cook frog legs for dinner -- it was so boring to watch and Andi is really hot and cold with this guy.  Moving on!

We are forced to skip the cocktail party to watch Josh Grobin push us to watch ABC's new show "Rising Star".  I don't get the new show and I don't care to.  So dramatic about watching a tv screen rise up on stage?  What??  We did get a sneak peak of "Bachelor in Paradise" though!  This show looks amazing - major train wreck disasters!  If there is enough interest I could be persuaded to add that to our blogging repertoire. LMK

Back to the show.  Tonight brought some shakedowns/shakeups (I could go both ways with it).  Andi did some soul searching and decided to make some serious (ie 3) cuts.  Tonight we bid adieu to the following: Patrick, Batgirl Andrew , and Marquel.  Just when Marquel started to wear suits that matched he gets sent home (did anyone catch his checked shirt with floral tie, and then a pocket square with colorful squares all over it???  That stuff does a number on my eyes and I couldn't take anymore of that.) Marquel didn't seem surprised, neither did Andrew - but Patrick cried.  The streak is not broken yet :)

To close I feel the need to catch everyone up to speed on Andi's catchphrase:

STAHP!  See you next week where we are heading to the sinking city of Venice.  Bring your waterwings!!

6/9/14: The Bachelorette - Ep 5

Hello fans!  Tonight was a 1-hr special episode recapping the season thus far (which, if you've been watching you shouldn't need a recap) but we also got to see the rose ceremony from the week prior where Tasos got sent home.  In short, Lithgow Bogarted time with Andi and ticked off the rest of the guys.  Oh and Tasos made his sad face again:

Ah well, time for Andi's BFF to go home so she can mack on her men :)

See you next week!!

6/2/14: The Bachelorette - Ep 4

Ok we pick up where we left off last night and our travels have expanded beyond California.  No, we aren't going to Europe or Asia, but we are going to Connecticut!  The travel budget keeps getting lower and lower this season.  Think they took the Greyhound there?

We arrive in CT in time to see 9 guys crammed in one bathtub cheersing their arrival.  I don't get what they're so excited about - maybe geography wasn't their strong suit in school.

Date card arrives!  Dylan gets a one on one.  Andi and Dylan rode a train, had dinner on a train, and Dylan made Andi cry with his story of loss.  Why is there always someone who is an emotional wreck on the show?  I feel like these are people that need to see a therapist before they go on a dating show where the odds are incredibly high that they will lose something again.  Their psyches are a little too fragile for a situation like this.

Anyway, next we have a group date with 10 guys including the Cupee Doll, Maude, No Lip, Lithgow, and Andrew the vampire bat:

The date has the guys playing basketball against some of the premier women players in the country, and then splits them off to battle each other.  We have our teams: The 5 of Hearts vs The Rosebuds.  I'm loving the sense of humor the producers are continuing to show with the hi-jinx and inside jokes.  I think I'd rather be on the former - aw yeah especially because they are the winners! Coach Brian carried the weight of the Rosebud team to a W and these 5 get to spend extra time with Andi.

Andi's observation of Coach from the sidelines: "He looks hot."  Yes, I agree - he is sweating a lot.

The defeat for the 5 of Hearts is palpable.  Maude is crying in a cubby, Tasos is trying to comfort everyone with how much they tried, and Josh M. is just pissed.  He is cursing and sulks off to the court to relive his heartache.

Dramatic sad face at losing a fake game :(

Time for drinkies!  Andi is wearing a pleather dress with chrome stilettos and bestows a rose to Coach for dazzling her with his half-court shot skills.  I guess that's hard to do - but it's not my thing so I'm not very impressed.  #don'tcare

Another 1:1 date!  This time for Marcus.  He has strange teeth too, so if they end up together they need to invest in the dental+ plan for orthodontics.  For their date they scale down the side of the guys' hotel building.  Andi is freaking out, and so is Marcus.  He tries to help her:

Marcus' advice: "Trust yourself.  Andi, trust yourself."  Uh, I'm pretty sure the problem isn't her trusting herself, it's trusting that skinny a** rope to hold her up.

Marcus: "If I need to be the man in this relationship and hide my fears I will do that."  Um, if you need to be the man?!  If that has to be a conscious choice you are voted off the island, go home.  Their conversation down the side of the building is reminiscent of a suicide helper line convo - "Tell me about your mahjong playing grandma.  Oh, she golfs too?  Swell."  They survive and there is a sign of relief.  Well at least until they go to the evening portion which involves more random live concerts.  Marcus is falling in lurv with Andi, which seems a little premature.  Ah well, MOVING ON!

Andi receives a love letter from a secret admirer - which on a show about competing for love doesn't make much sense to stay a secret.  But there's no time to dwell on that, it's time to get our drink on at the cocktail party!

Marquel is teaching Andi how to do headlocks, Tasos is dreaming of planning her wedding and is a great girlfriend checking on her emotional well-being, and then Eric swoops in out of nowhere and calls her a TV ACTRESS!  Whoa - he got real quick.  Earlier Andi said she felt like they were stalled in their developing relationship and that he wasn't being real with her; so to turn the tables he comes flying from left field to tell her she's fake.  Her reaction:

And now we know when Eric got sent home.  Yikes, someone get Tasos a paper bag - he is about to hyperventilate because he can't handle the emotion.  I totally think Andi overreacted, but clearly she lost the spark with him and he with her so this was just a fun, crazy way to watch it end.

Oh geez, Chris Harrison is now dedicating the last 10 mins of the show to Eric in lieu of a rose ceremony.  Oy, not to sound insensitive but thank goodness this is the last we'll see/hear about Eric -- I can't handle this anymore.

Ok, let's pull it up a little.  Chris just dropped knowledge that Tasos was sent home at the rose ceremony, and we have teasers about next episode: mime lessons in Marseille, Cupee Doll puts his angry eyes on, and Vampire Bat cusses out Marquel.  So much man drama - and we have to wait 2 weeks for it!!!  That's not fair :(

If you're like me you will find solace in watching "Mistresses" -- I missed a lot at the end of last season, so I'm off to find those episodes online.  See you soon!