1/30/17: The Bachelor - ep 5

Hi!!!!!!!!

Mondays - my first least favorite day of the week, but today marks the 4 day countdown to vacation so I'll find a way to cope :)

Tonight we pick up where we left off with Taylor vs Corrine.  This pretty much sums it up:

The Platinum Vageen wins Round 1

DING DING DING ladies: head to neutral corners - we have a Rose Ceremony to get through.  Nick said sayonara to Astro and Sarah - but no time to grieve because you need to pack your bags ... we're going to New Orleans!!

1:1 Date
Rachel (First Impression) is chosen and Taylor is pissed.  She needs to chill, because her name lands on the dreaded 2-on-1 date card -- but more on that later.  Rachel & Nick stroll the French Market looking at various wares: Mardi Gras masks, jewelry, and OOH alligators!

Sorry, I love me some ancient reptiles -- I think I was a croc whisperer in a past life, and they are just one of the many reasons I'm excited to be heading south in 4 DAYS!!!  *ahem*  excuse me, I'm really trying to control my outbursts!

They move along and sample some snacks: oysters, hot sauce, and beignets.  I thought the latter were supposed to be delicious - but this is Nick's face while eating:

um...yum?

Maybe it was the oysters working their way back up ... urp.

He chokes it all down just in time for a Second Line to come through and sweep them up.  The girls catch a glimpse from their hotel room and feel all kinds of jelly.  That sucks.  Free concert, honest feelings, and a rose.

Group Date: A Haunting
The gaggle of geese go to the most haunted house in New Orleans and play with the spooks.  Boo Radley gives them the low-down of the house and all the spooky shit in it.  Jasmine taunts whatever spirits might be there and I think she's going to end up with something attached to her long after she leaves NOLA.

Lest we forget, however, Taylor and Corrine are back at the hotel alone preparing for their 2:1 date.  Taylor is sniffing bath salts, and Corrine is filling up her empty leg with the full range of offerings on the Room Service menu:

Get it, girl!

That's a giant steak, mashed potatoes, "cheese pasta", Cesar salad, chicken wings, and a full dessert cart.  I give her mad props for enjoying the amenities while stuck there.  But no wonder she has to nap all the time - girl is always in a food coma!

For tonight's tie-in to the "Beauty and the Beast" live-action release we have the Group Date Rose under glass.

"That's the best plug you can do for my new movie?" - says Hermoine Belle Beiber*

*gag*  I hear ya, girl.  At least when "Cinderella" was coming out the contestant got to dress up like a princess for a glam 1:1!  The rose is bestowed upon Danielle M. and we're ready to head into Rock 'em Sock 'em Round 2.

Two on One Date ... duh duh dunnn
We spend 30 minutes focused on these two bitching about each other to the camera, to Nick, and to each other.  They hop into a boat and float down the bayou.  I got distracted by the sweet piece of man meat serving as tour guide:

Bayou Babe - rawr!**

Time for some voodoo.  I'm fascinated by voodoo and tarot, so this would actually be a really interesting date.  Instead we have the 3 biggest idiots on television asking really dumb questions.  In a not-at-all surprising moment Nick gives Corrine the rose.  Taylor has no parting words for him and just sits at the table watching them float back upstream.  She does go back to the voodoo ceremony to get cleansed, and then hightails it to the cemetery that N & C are at.  WHAT HAPPENS NEXT??  Cliffhanger - TBD next week ...

Speaking of: I might be delayed with next week's recap because I'll be soaking up the sun on the beach.  But I'll get back to you as soon as I can!

xoxo


*For anyone who isn't aware, this is the actual doll's face for the new Belle Barbie ... it's supposed to be based on Emma Watson.  You know - the actress who's playing Belle?  Yeah, no one else sees it either.

**J/K - I'm sure he's right up someone's alley - but it ain't mine.  That tiny tee and flowing ponytail are just not my style... I had to clarify before y'all got the wrong idea LOL

1/23/17: The Bachelor - ep 4

Cheer wake up, sleepy Jean !

Morning, sunshine! 

We pick up where we left off at the pool party with Corrine napping away, while Nick was getting checked on his bouncy castle cavorting.  He was all "Huh?"  "Who?"  "What happened?" and that was enough to confuse Vanessa into complacency long enough for Chris Harrison to show up and drag Nick to safety.

Corrine wiped the sleep out of her eyes in time for the rose ceremony but was preoccupied diggin' the crusties out while Nick handed out roses.  

post nap eye boogers are the worst!

Unfortunately we had to say goodbye to Brittany (who?) and Christen.  I'd like to know who's shoes Christen was carrying out of the house - she had her own on her feet, so what's in her hand?  Clepto ...

Boo hoos and buh byes, with the obligatory champagne toast for those who have survived another cut.  Corrine gave a toast ... idk tf she was saying, though ... 

samesies, Christian - wha???

We start our global tour by heading to Milwaukee, Wisconsin!  We catch up with Nick's parents, and watch Momma Viall and Nick cry their way through a coffee date.  That lady should look for a job with Kleenex brand - that employee discount would come in handy.  I have yet to see this woman with a dry eye on the show ... and she's been on a lot (*Nick's 4th time on the show*ahem).

1:1 Date #1

Danielle L. (Backstreet group date winner) is the chosen one, while they leave the rest of the ladies standing in a park in a city they've never been in.  They meander through Waukesha and make some really fugly sugar cookies.  Finger lickin', lip lockin' fun -- I'm sure the health department loves that.  While strolling through "downtown" they run into another one of Nick's exes, Amber.  Yeah, great.  Then they sat on a hill and made out while some kids played soccer, followed up by cocktails.  Nice.  Rose on the menu followed by a live concert by Chris Lang .... nope, I have no idea who that is.

Group Date

Having fun on the farm!  25 out of the 15 girls left (j/k - 13 of the 15 really) go to a local farm to pitch in!  Not surprisingly some of the gals make the best of it, some seem really comfortable with the rural setting, and then there's Corrine.  She's turned off by the manure, the hay, the cows, the hard labor.

tbh, so am I - lol

So very true.  She's hating the "poopy" everywhere and just really wants some sushi.  Post-poop cocktails the tensions are rising between Corrine and every other woman, and she's desperate to prove how mature she is by throwing a temper tantrum and jostling her boobs.  I'm so over this girl.  I'm so over this date.  Kristina gets the rose.

1:1 Date #2

That's So Raven gets her day in the sun!  They toured Mr. Rogers' Viall's neighborhood, met up with Nick's sister to watch a soccer game, and Raven got to meet mom & dad.  Bella, Nick, and Raven then went to the roller rink for some quality skate time.  Raven and Bella were having a great date getting to know each other and about their families; Nick was just oddly skating by them not joining in.  I hope Bella gives Raven the rose LOL  

Yes, Nick, you have some sweet moves on skates ... keep movin' along

#TBTMonday with Sixpence None the Richer serenading their skate with "Kiss Me" ... aw, hello 1997!  I am pretty sure I skated to that song, during that year, when I was in middle school.  20 flippin' years ago ... thanks for that reality check, Bachelor.  They have dinner in what looks like an empty airport, and she gets the rose.

Cocktail Party...to be continued

Corrine is ready to cut a bitch - so hide your knives and see you next week!

1/16/17: The Bachelor - ep 3

Alright alright alright - let's get down to it!!

Recap: Nick just dropped da bomb that he and Liz had a sexual past and that she's going home.  The hive is a buzz with the ladies trying to talk each other through this.  Cocktail Party time - and Nick does his best to gloss over it quickly and skip right to the task at hand.  His eyebrows couldn't get any higher in his best attempt at being sincere, reassuring, and defensive.  Ahh!  The tension - it cuts like a knife!

The above just about sums up the range of emotions from the ladies: some aren't buying anything he's selling (the Vince Vaughns of the bunch) and others are perplexed and trying to calculate what this means for them (the Mel Gibsons).  Then there's Corrine - who decides to go commando in a trench coat for the evening .... *groan*  There's a prime joke about Nick talking about juggling in reference to the Naked (wo)Man - but that's too easy so I'm gonna pass on it.

Her lips seemed to have deflated a little between the action shots and the confessional, though...

Where'd her top lip go?  She's missing her lip filler appointments

Rose Ceremony

Corrine slept through it.  Astro is safe (swear to G that's how Nick pronounces Astrid's name ... and subsequently all I can think of are the Jetsons).  Elizabeth, Hailey, and Lacey are all sent packing.  He axed a lot of blondes, so I think it's safe to say that brunettes are mainly his thing.  Except for Corrine and her platinum vageeeen (direct quote - Google it if you don't trust me).

Group Date #1

OG arrives to wake the girls up and over-hype the dates.  We start with 6 brunettes and a blonde going to hang out with THE BACKSTREET BOYS!!  The guys greet the entire group at the mansion to whisk them away, and their reaction was priceless.  It was like getting a glimpse into the 90s/00s when it was our version of the Beatles and Boy Bands were the thing <3 div="">

I'm honestly going to be keeping an eye on airline tickets for June so I can go to Vegas for a weekend and see their show ... childhood dream fulfilled :)

Things I Learned watching this date: 1) Corrine is a crybaby; 2) the BBs still got moves and chords even though we're all closer to 40 than we are to 20; 3) if this were me I wouldn't care how idiotic I looked dancing and I'd just enjoy myself.  Once in a lifetime moment - get over your own ego and just do it!  4) ABC knows their demographic well -- they got me with this!  5) chokers need to be DONE.  We been there, done that - it was not, and is not, a good look.

Post dance cocktails: Corrine took another nap; Corrine legit has a nanny (Raquelle) ... she does her laundry, makes her salads, the whole 9; Jasmine fell down; and Danielle got the rose.

1:1 Date

Vanessa gets to experience zero gravity!  So cool!!  I'd barf - but dang if that still doesn't look like fun:

Not fun was watching them kiss after V upchucked several times and Nick having this to share with us: 

"Still taste fine." .... ewww

He dragged her up to some skyscraper restaurant for dinner (just what she needs ... more heights).  They talked about their relationships with their families, past romantic relationships, Nick's motivation for being on the show AGAIN, Nick cried, they hugged.  Good stuff.  V for the W!  She gets a rose.

Group Date #2

Track & Field day.  Everyone gets a Participation Ribbon, but only will walk away with a rose.  I don't care for the Olympics, so I couldn't tell you about the Three Musketeers that came to help out.  Google that too - you're on your own.  Astro was rocking her Fabletics, and unfortunately Kate Hudson does not make sports bras for anyone even slightly endowed.  Her boobs are gonna hurt tomorrow from all that activity.  #ouch  Sharky, Rachel, and Astro make it to the final round of challenges and thanks to Rachel being too fast and Astro being just slow enough to grab the prize, A wins some alone time in the jacuze with Nick (and his pepperoni nipples ... ewww)  Dominique is not at all happy:

if looks could kill...

Post date cocktails: Dominique is crying, Nick's not feeling it, and she gets sent home.  C'est la vie.  Rachel gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

Turns out we're having a pool party instead and everyone is all kinds of inappropriate.  Corrine rode Nick in a bouncy house; Jasmine tried to check his tonsils up close and personal; he played tongue-twister with one of the non-blondes....and then Corrine took another nap.

Damn if girlfriend doesn't look comfortable!

Taylor, That's So Raven, Jasmine, and Vanessa all confront Nick about the issues with Corrine.  Nick didn't like being put in the hot seat about having a casual romp - and we're left with the cliffhanger for next week.

Will Vanessa send herself home? Will Astro find better support?  Will we all get drunk doing shots every time someone cries???  Stay tuned!

Updated roster attached - hard to believe we've bid adieu to 13 ladies already ... where does the time go?!

See you next week!

1/9/17: The Bachelor - ep 2

Happy Monday!!!  The best things about my day: finally making it home after a 90 minute commute (thank you, snow, and idiots that don't know how to drive in it), seeing my hubby and puppy, and of course THE BACHELOR!

Let's get started with some truth: I was watching "Sister Wives" and forgot to set the DVR until 6 minutes into the episode.  I highly doubt I missed anything crucial, but if I did I beg your forgiveness.   It won't happen again.

Group Date #1: Always a bridesmaid
First date any of these weirdos are going on with Nick and ABC decides to dress them up in bridal/bridesmaid gowns and pit them against each other in a photo shoot.  There was the 80s Bride, the Rocker Bride, Eve Bride (???  I don't think Adam and Eve were married ...), and Beach Bride. Of course they put the most promiscuous girl this season (so far) in the bikini, in a pool.  Corrine decided it would be in her best interest to free-boob in front of everyone else.

Yeah.  Ivanna Humpalot got the rose, leaving a lot of us wondering what Reason Nick is here for.

1:1 Date: helis & yachts!
No time was wasted pulling out the primo date transportation with Danielle M. getting both a helicopter ride and a yachting afternoon.

Holy cow is right!  A 2fer on the first date!

I don't really know what they talked about or did before dinner, as we were too busy cutting back to the mansion so Liz could verbal diarrhea to Christen about her one night stand.  While she was working herself into a tizzy, Nick and Danielle M. were yacht-tubbing Uncle Rico style.  At dinner she was was a breath of fresh adult air compared to Corrine, talking about past relationships etc and Danielle M. got her rose for being sweet and vulnerable.

Group Date #2: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
For this next assortment of suitorettes Nick drags them to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Hollywood.  WTF?!  That's depressing.  The cherry on top of that awkward ice cream sundae: Nick is part of the museum with his final rose and engagement ring for Caitlyn rotting away in a display case.

Nothing says "I've moved on" like bringing your current 20 girlfriends to see the gorgeous hunk of Neil Lane you picked out for the most recent of your failed almost-engagements.  Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

This is not all they are subjected to, however.  They are also enlisted to partake in the lame reenactments of break-ups this museum apparently hosts on a regular basis.  Maybe I'm not that well-versed in the arts, but this feels like a stretch.  We saw some randos that broke up in front of strangers (question: real couples or actors fine-tuning their craft?  I will never know.  And I honestly don't care that much) before the gals were forced to fake it with Nick.

Awkward: Nick avoiding Liz, Liz confronting Nick on stage, then Nick confronting Liz during cocktails.  I think they need to move on, I'm tired of this story line.  Thankfully Nick was too and dumped her during the cocktail portion of the group date.

We're left hanging for next week to see the fallout from the ONS as Nick comes clean with the rest of the house.  I leave you with this picture of Corrine:

I think she's watching her dignity fly far, far away ...

See you next Monday!

1/3/17: Updated roster after ep 1

Last post for this week - promise!

Going forward I will just add these to the end of the recap - keep it simple :)

1/3/17: The Bachelor Roster 2017

The Roster

For your viewing pleasure, and to play along at home!

1/3/17: The Bachelor - we're back, bitches!

New year, new you, same Nick.  So, some things never change - we already knew that, right?  We pick up after a major hiatus and find our old friend waiting for us.  The four horseman of the apocalypse met for whiskey and Anderson Cooper giggles, and to strategically remind us how far Nick's come during his tenure in the franchise.

2 failures, 1 success, and Nick

After some fist bumps, "dudes", and sage advise from the latest alum who just broke up with his betrothed (looking at you, Ben) it's time to get ready.

A few notes right off the top before we dig into the Gal Pals:
- The ABC stylists are doing him proud, buddy looks nice in a suit.
- The Bachelor patented v-neck t-shirts are still around.  I spotted a black one during the first 10 minutes of the show.  I'd be very happy if I never had to see these on any man ever again.  Sean Lowe I'm placing all that blame on you, here.
- I'm happy Nick's stuck with the scruff; it suits his face
- Was it necessary to showcase the lawyer vacuuming her house?  Like, do we need to be reassured that she's domestic even though she's smarts?  Feminist movement: it's a thing.  Look it up.

Ladies in Red

At least half the gals seemed to be wearing red dresses; it's fun that they coordinated like that.  One girl came in on a camel, one brought an uncooked hotdog, and Neil Lane showed up with a former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader!  I knew I had seen Jasmine G. somewhere before!

Among the WINNERS (and I say that sarcastically ... they're all losers):

1. Crazy Cat Lady Josephine: among being a nursing student she is quite connected to her inner animal.  If she doesn't win I think this is her future:

2. Sharknado Alexis:

No, it's really not

3. Ivanka Trump Corinne: she's so busy running her dads "multi-million dollar business" I'm surprised she had time to fit this in

*sarcastically* They're virtually the same person!

4. The Ghost of Girlfriends Past Liz: she was in Jade & Tanner's wedding and had a drunken one night stand with Nick.  I guess she got the taste of something she liked and is back for more *rawr*

Rose Ceremony

Ok, let's weed some of these extras out.  Rachel got the First Impression rose, which left us with 21 more to hand out.  We bid a fond farewell to the girls we'll never get to know, and won't remember tomorrow: Angela, Briana, Ida Marie, Jasmine B., Lauren, Michelle, Olivia, and Susannah.  Bon voyage, mes amis!

We're teased with the arctic tundra, seaplanes, New Orleans, boats, THE BACKSTREET BOYS!!!, and Nick's undying support of LIVESTRONG.  

Oh hun...it's time to let it go

Stay tuned for tears, sex, anger - and one heck of an engagement ring!

See you next week :)