I'll let you in on my compulsion - just so you can get a glimpse at how all-consuming this Project can be for a woman who has been trying, trying, trying and hoping, hoping, hoping. Here is the story of my shame ... lol
It started last night. I went pee around 9:30pm and had a passing fancy to see if the pregnancy tests I had would even function correctly if I dipped it in the toilet. Why? Who knows! Boredom maybe. So, let's crack one open and dunk! It did work - and to my not-surprised, but still disappointed, eyes there was no line to indicate pregnancy. I was 6 DPO (days past ovulation) and my logical self reminds my crazy self that there is no way, in any realm of possibility, that any pregnancy test ANYWHERE would pick up the hormone yet. But, I was still disappointed. Why do I torture myself? Good question. I have no idea - sick sense of humor maybe?
So, I go to the internet. Nothing good can come of internet "research" past 10pm -- and I was sucked into the rabbit hole of community chat boards and online countdown tools. Oh boy (or girl!)
There is one site in particular that I have gone to many (many) times to look at other people's pregnancy tests and click on DPO to see what symptoms I should be looking for. It could be a very helpful site for normal folks ... I am not one of them, though. You can enter your cycle information, capturing dates tracking your cycles. Helpful. Then there are calculators to give you every date you might want to know: peak fertile days, estimated implantation date, due date, and even a Chinese gender predictor that takes your age and month of ovulation and spits out what gender your fictitious baby will be. Not so helpful ... but, oh, so addicting.
Of course I looked at them all and 'tested' them out. And they fed right into my hopes and dreams that this will be the cycle that works. First was the implantation calculator:
Based on 3/15/18 being the date my egg was released into the wild it says Saturday is the most common day to expect implantation to occur. That's still 2 days away - so no wonder I didn't see any line on the dunked-in-the-toilet test strip! Don't panic yet - it's just too early. (I can talk myself into a lot of things LOL)
Then there is the due date calculator. I'll give some backstory first to go with this one - again, just so you can see how my mind and emotions spin and whip into a frenzy. About 18 months ago my sister had a medium/healer/etc over to her house to meet with her, our mom, and me. We believe in mediums and that there are some people who can bridge the gap between the physical and spiritual worlds -- to each their own, but it brings me joy and comfort so I do believe it. My primary questions/concerns were around having children and during my reading I was given a timeline of 2 years and that there is a baby girl waiting for us. Two years seemed like a long ways away - the reading was in December 2016 so that would put us in December 2018. I've often thought of that day and experience and it planted the hope and faith that parenthood would indeed happen for us - one day. It's a nice feeling to have hope.
Ok, so back to last night, looking at the due date calculator. I see it as an optional tool to use and say to myself "oh, why not? It'll be fun! Let's just pretend!" So I plug in the date of ovulation based on my trigger shot timing etc and it spits out an estimated due date:
I'd be due in December 2018. Immediately I think of the words and messages from that reading in Dec 2016 -- that's 2 years. Wow - wouldn't that be cool???!!!
Then I see the Chinese Gender Predictor and again say to myself "oh, why not? It'll be fun! Let's just pretend!" So, plug in my age at time of ovulation/fertilization (33) and select the month that it happened in (March). Here is the gender prediction:
Again, I think of the words and messages from the reading in Dec 2016 -- there's a baby girl for us on the other side. This tool is predicting to give us a girl (and the site says it's over 75% accurate so it must be true). Wow - spooky.
I tell Dave my nuggets of intel and he sweetly humors me; agreeing that it's interesting and yes, that would be cool. He's not one to get his hopes up because the letdown is that much worse. I totally get it - but if I don't have hope and get a little excited that this time is our turn I'd be putting that negative energy into the universe and could contribute to failure. I can't have that - I need to believe that it's possible.
So here we are. 5 days away from the blood test still. And I can't help myself. It would be amazing, it would be thrilling, it would be so cool if she was right. In 5 days I'll know the answer for sure - one way or the other - and the definitive nature of having an absolute answer to this very big question is scary. So for the next 5 days I will hold on to the hope that this is our time, it's our turn, this could really happen for us.
I like this rabbit hole - it's what I need right now.
xoxo
In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc
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