7/27/15: The Bachelorette - Finale

We have a winner!

It is with extreme relief and joy that we watched Shawn Gosling capture the final rose and Kaitlyn's heart <3 -="" a="" actually="" but="" choose="" did="" down="" else.="" feeling="" happy="" heart="" her="" him="" i="" in="" it.="" it="" mid="" nbsp="" nice="" nick="" p="" proposal="" really="" she="" shut="" simply="" so="" someone="" stating="" t="" tell="" that="" to="" was="" wasn="" way="" when="" with="" worried="" would="">
Nick, on the other hand, shut down completely and started to get bitchy and defensive.  Typical for him - hopefully that was just the icing on the cake for her choice.  His diatribe in the limo was amazeballs.  Bitter rantings of a loser (too harsh?  nah) topped off with a cavalier toss of his claddah ring.  Don't you just love it when the camera is there to capture the meltdown?  Me too.

Why was his family in the audience BTW?  Did anyone else wonder that?  Maybe he requested they be there for support, but it's odd.  Why not invite Shawn's family too then?  Whatevs. 

That ends this season and sets the groundwork for a little jaunt to paradise for past season losers.  I would be tempted to watch, but I've got too much invested in other shows (Marriage Bootcamp, Mistresses, Bar Rescue, Catch a Contractor -- seriously, get on board folks they are all fantastic!).  Instead I'll pick up with you when the next season of The Bachelor starts!

Have a good rest of your summer :)

xoxo

7/14/15: The Bachelorette - wk 9

Is anyone else still thrown off by the change in event sequence on the show?  And why are the "hometowns" be held in Utah?  That's not a hometown date that's another destination date - and an expensive one at that.  Flying 15 people in from Nick's family and then another half dozen from Shawn's (except his mom - did anyone catch why she couldn't be there but his aunt could??)  So many questions, so little time!

Let's get to the good stuff!

If you remember from last week we already had the Fantasy Suite date with Nick - it was magical, they "talked" all night (to be fair, I suppose there were some words involved), and it was wonderful.  Now it's time for Ben Brady's date. 

The horse whisperer he is not - here's a tip: stop talking to the animals and start talking to your "girlfriend".  They rode horses, fed some donkeys, fed some sheep, then had dinner at a castle.  That was the best part, aside from the dull company.  They talked, and then mosied upstairs for some alone time.  I hate the cheesey camera shot of Kaitlyn putting the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the doorknob - we all know what's going to happen, this ain't our first rodeo.

In the morning we catch up to them embracing in front of the window with the lovey-dovey editing haze around them.  I'm not kidding, that had to cost a pretty penny:

He then left with his backpack (I've never seen anyone else leave with an overnight bag in tow - is he the only one to have thought of this?  Smart - you have your change of clothes, clean undies, and a toothbrush.  All necessary for the Fantasy Suite)

On to Shawn's overnight date!  They go golfing and both actually do pretty well - this is one of the most "regular" dates I've seen yet and is a nice change.  Well, until Kaitlyn decides Gosling needs to change out of his clothes for the last hole.  Resurrecting Jillian's black box one more time:

She passed it off as playing Truth or Dare but this was the only round and then she swiped his clothes and made him chase after her.  In broad daylight, on a golf course.  Really, Kait?  C'mon - save that for your alone time tonight. 

They then go to dinner, talk about Eskimo Brothers and he gets MAD.  It's a good thing he can distract himself with some sweet sweet love or else Nick would be getting a pounding right now!  They quickly grab their date card and head up to the suite.

Morning after, who do we find waiting outside Shawn's room:

Oh, man.  It's time for Rock'em Sock'em Robots Round 2:

 

As you could've guessed Gosling was really mad, actually threatened Nick, and kicked him out of his room.  Don't know why Nick thought that would be a good idea, but he's not the brightest bulb on the tree.

 

Rose Ceremony

Thank goodness for DVR because I was so distracted by Kaitlyn's dress that I didn't hear a damn thing OG or her were saying. 

 

Here's a zoom because how can you not stare:



Can you see her belly button?!

 

Pause - Rewind - OK they're talking about her feelings and how she's making her decision about who's the 3rd Wheel that needs to go home.  Dang, how Harrison got through that convo without losing eye contact is amazing.

 

She starts crying but I guessed it before it happened -- Ben, you are the weakest link.  Goodbye.  She bids him farewell, comes back in to cheers the arch rivals - and then she leaves.  The cameras kept rolling and what followed was the most tense 20 seconds of TV I've seen since Caitlyn Jenner's special:

 

 

They literally were in this huge ballroom alone.  Not talking, not looking at each other - just drinking their champagne and standing there.  I thought for sure Shawn was going to throw punches, or that Nick would poke the bear and start some shit again -- but sadly none of that came to fruition.  What was the point of that?!  The home audience is well versed on the hate between these two - we don't all need to feel uncomfortable, especially if it's not going to lead up to anything!  Such a letdown.

 

To my surprise there was still an hour left after this, so we got right into "hometowns"!  First up: The Lithgows.  There were literally like 20 of them that came - he's got a handful of brothers, an emotional mother, a giggly father, at least a dozen sisters -- did they all have to come?  Non star players in this should stay home.  They met Kaitlyn, loved Kaitlyn, and Nick and his mom got a case of the feels:

 

 

She left and met up with Shawn.  He only had 4 people with him, including one sister who didn't have any eyebrows:

 

 

Even stink-face on the left is distracted by it.  Draw them in, tattoo them on, do something!  They loved Kaitlyn too, and Shawn finally told her those 3 magic words "I killed Nick" "I love you".  Aww.

 

Next week is Men Tell All (already!!) and then in 2 weeks is the finale!!!  This season has gone by fast and I can't wait to hear what the guys have to say next week!  We got a preview of Kaitlyn crying about having the 2 guys left love her and not knowing what to do:

 

What a problem to have ... (eyeroll).  Sounds like her diamond shoes are too tight.  Amirite?

See you next week!



7/7/15: The Bachelorette - wk 8

We're back after the 4th of July - hope you all had a safe holiday and took some time for reflection and appreciation of our founding fathers.  I was lucky to be able to spend the weekend in South Dakota (that's not a joke, it was by choice and I had a great time!) visiting some of the most beautiful areas in America! 

I'd tell you more about my vacation, but I know why you're all here so I'll get to business.  Last night we rejoined the cast and crew in Ireland.  If you remember we just left Cupcake on the cliffs crying his eyes out, and Kaitlyn jumped in the nearest chopper to get the hell out of there.  Now it's time for the first 1:1 date as the field is narrowed to 4.

Ben Brady gets the date and they canoe to some abandoned ruins and play hide and seek.  Again, I'm not joking.  Apparently the best way to bond and get to know someone on a deeper level is to run and hide from them.  I'm done trying to make sense of these dates, so I'll just go with it.  Hide over there!

Then we have a group date with Nick Lithgow, Shawn Gosling, and Joe Dimples.  Joe has fallen in love with Kaitlyn but she's not feeling it and gives him the ol' heave-ho.  It's funny to watch how quickly the mood changes for the dejected suitors -- and she can't understand why.  Uh, you just dumped him honey.  You shouldn't be surprised he's a little hurt/mad/sad.  You'll recall your feelings when Chris let you go last time?  Yes, see - remember that hurt and anger and just assume this dude is feeling something similar. 

His half-assed hug was the icing on the cake:

Ooh, feel that genuine love indifference

So we're left with Gosling and Lithgow.  Kaitlyn gives her performance feedback to both guys who are left (anyone else find it weird that she gives them tips and pointers after each group date?  Like "Nick, good job catching that ball today.  But just remember to not talk about us boning.  Great job overall."  Weird - this isn't a job review, no need to address their Wins and Opportunities).  No rose is handed out and she sends Nick back to the hotel so she can spend more time with Gosling.

This impromtu 1:1 presents itself as the perfect time for Kaitlyn to tell Shawn about her tryst with Nick.  She starts slow, squirms in her seat, he's started sweating, and then it comes.

"We had sex."

Me too, Tami!

His head doesn't explode - which is what I half expected to happen - and he just stares at her for a little bit.  Quietly.  No one is saying a thing.

Awkwardddd

After what feels 10 minutes of tense elevator music he says he needs to go the restroom to collect his thoughts and gather himself back together.  This is the perfect time to cutaway to the rest of the dudes having their nightly therapy sesh back at the hotel:

 

Nick is processing his feelings and unfortunately for Ben and Jared they're the only ears around for him to talk to.  He has a favorite phrase too: "Foregone conclusion".  I could have made that a drinking game.  Said it like 10 times.  It's probably a little sadistic of me to enjoy watching him be insecure but whatevs - it's really fun.  LOL

We keep cutting back and forth between the evening therapy and the bathroom door back at Kaitlyn & Shawn:

Not sure what the editors were going for here - there were no sounds bites of Shawn losing his shit or crying, we just had to keep watch on the door.  BTW this looks like it says "Cents" not "Gents".  Maybe 50 is in there to sing a little ditty?  haha

He finally resurfaces and says he'll man up and get past it.  Funnily enough he doesn't charge down to Kaitlyn's room after like he did every other night they were there - but he did go to Nick's room to have a little chat.

I'm getting ahead of myself but nothing much else happened last night.  They skipped the cocktail hour and she sent Jared home.  Woop-de-do.  The first Fantasy Suite date went to Nick and they "talked" all night and had some nosh in the morning when they woke up.  Once Nick gets back to his own room that's when Gosling pounces.  They start aruging and accusing things at each other (has anyone else ever heard of Eskimo Brothers before this episode??  I need to get over to Urban Dictionary in a minute) and then we go to black "To Be Continued".  I hope this goes to blows or else this is just a big letdown.

I would bet money that it will come down to Nick and Gosling in the final 2, but maybe Ben Brady will come from behind and take a spot.  I just hope that Jared isn't the next Bachelor .... but I do hope that his parting gift was a membership in Dollar Shave Club.

We finish the episode with Mackelmore bidding farewell to Britt to return to Nashville (how long was he in Cali for ???  Good grief, apparently he doesn't have a job to get back to?...).  Will they stay friends? Will their relationship stand the test of distance?  Does anyone care???  No, we don't.  I'm sure we'll see them at the end of the season - heaven forbid ABC let that fade.  That horse is dead but we're still gonna beat it (too morbid?  Nah)

Have a good rest of your week and see you next Tuesday!

6/30/15: The Bachelorette - wk 7

We pick up where we left off last week with Kaitlyn mid-bite as Shawn Gosling pays her a visit.  She thinks he knows about her tryst with Nick, but really he's just freaking the F out that he hasn't gotten a rose yet.  Chillax, bro.  She calms him down enough that he goes away and she can get back to her room service.  Whew, crisis averted!

Time for the dreaded 2:1 date, with guys we forgot were even on the show.  They board the SS Minnow to head to a grassy knoll for a picnic. The rose is between JJ and Joe (I know - who??)  Pictures to remind you, it's between Dink Teeth and Forehead Dimple:

Who would you rather?

I can't even believe this is a question for her.  Dimple is already falling in love with her (how & when?  They've spent like 5 minutes together in the past 7 weeks) and Teeth just wants to make sure she knows he cheated on his ex wife and that's why he's on the show.  That's all Kaitlyn needed to hear to send JJ packing.  But, she's not ready to give Joe the rose yet either and they leave JJ stranded on the beach so they can spend more time together. 

They have conversation and Dimple gets a rose.  Gosling can't handle the details of their date and has to go to Kaitlyn's room AGAIN to talk to her.  WTF is up with this guy?  He's turning into a Stage 5 Clinger and it's really not attractive.  Kaitlyn couldn't be more annoyed by it, this is her reaction when the producers tell her he's on his way:

Pretty sure the Earth's axis was jarred by this epic eyeroll.

She calms him down, one more time, so he feels OK about their relationship and can go to bed.  Oy.  Time for the cocktail party! 

Kaitlyn sets it up with the worst monolog ever - talking about how she's made mistakes, how it's been a tough week, etc.  The guys are whipped into a frenzy, most notably:

Nick Lithgow - who's crying:

and Generic Gosling - who's freaking out again:

He's scurred.

 

Is he going to jump in the fire?  Does he have a Nick voodoo doll in there?  So many questions!

 

The only one who seems to have his shit together is Tanner.  He sees the writing on the wall and is probably just thankful to have gotten a free trip to Ireland out of the deal.  He accepts his fate and leaves with dignity.  However, Kaitlyn decides to keep the jaundiced dentist Chris Cupcake instead of the beefy Ben Z.  What the what??

Yeah, so his eyes are a little crossed - but he's still way better looking than the dentist!  Did anyone else noticed how yellow Chris Cupcake looked last night?  And ironically I don't like his teeth.  Hehe

All that happened but the bigger deal was OG's tie:

Is this the first time we're seeing Chris H wear a patterned tie?  I can't remember seeing him in anything but solids - and this wouldn't have been my first choice.  Maybe it was a gift from his kids ... either way he and Kaitlyn had an entire conversation before the rose ceremony and I have no idea what was said because I was staring at his neck wear.  I'm now on Tie Watch for next week! 

Any way.  Time to take a road trip to Killarny.  She shoves 5 dudes on the Paddy Wagon (not what it sounds like, unfortunately) and throws caution to the wind asking Jared to ride shotgun and they'll drive together.  Given how Gosling was sawing the logs in the bus I would have opted for that car ride too:

Now this def threw the Earth's axis off - zzzzzzzzzzz

Kaitlyn and Patches McGee take selfies on bridges, kiss the Blarney stone, and tour her haunted castle hotel room.  All the while I'm wishing he would shave his face:

He's got that gross, spotty whisker thing going that really makes it seem like he doesn't have enough testorone to grunt out a full beard.  It's not cute, it has to be scratchy as hell to snuggle up to, and he just needs to stop trying.  Shave the fuzz, buddy.  Please.

Now that the whole team has arrived, OG decides to turn the rules on Kaitlyn a little.  While playing dumb about her romp with Nick (c'mon - you saw the footage, don't try to fool us) he suggests they change the timing and have Kaitlyn send home 3 dudes this week, go to fantasy suites with them, narrow that down to 2, and then go meet the Fockers.  She's on board, so he drops the bomb on the guys, and the first victim for a 1:1 is Chris Cupcake.  It basically went down like this:

1) Helicopter ride to the Cliffs
2) Conversation that went "How are you?" "I'm ok, how are you?" "I'm doing alright, how are you?"
3) Kaitlyn crying and Chris consoling her like a girlfriend would do

 4) Kaitlyn giving Chris the kiss-off and hopping back in said helicopter to fly away

 5) Chris is left sobbing like a little girl, on the edge of a cliff.  Do these producers get recruited from the suicide hotline?  For real, this is dangerous

 This is where we're left for next week.  I don't know if he jumps, if he is successfully talked off the ledge, or what the fate is of the rest of the crew.  All I know is Fatasy Suite dates this early on is going to bring more drama, and Gosling is going to lose his F'ing mind !!!  HAHAHAHA  I can't wait!

See you next week :)

6/23/15: The Bachelorette - wk 6

Well. well. well.  Last night didn't disappoint and OG Harrison has me hooked in for next week!  Let's not get ahead of ourselves, there is plenty to get through for today.

ABC was beyond clever with the undertones of the episode:



The birds...



...and the bees

 

 

 Kudos, that was pretty damn cute.

We pick up in TX with Ian letting his true colors shine through.  Kaitlyn was pretty much:

So he left and he was pretty much:

Glad we all agree on that point; and Ian - if you're the next Bachelor than I am the next Queen of England.  Not gonna happen.  No.  Just no.  And fix your hairline - it's distracting to figure out if you electively shave your head or if it's an attempt to cover up a monk's spot.  What is up??

Rose Ceremony

Speaking of true colors, check out all the TX flag spirit at the Alamo!  Play a little game: how many flags can you count?  They have so much state pride, it's really impressive.  But, really, can you blame them?  Texas produced Chris Harrison - and for that we are all eternally grateful.

Justin's hopes deflated like Kylie Jenner's lips; he was sent home.  As was Joshua and his half-done hairdo.  He couldn't find another clippers to finish what she started the night before?  Hope his first stop when he gets home is Fantastic Sams. 

I think OG, Kaitlyn, and Cupcake all called each other the night before to coordinate their outfits too:

Pantone Color of the Year 2014!  Nice choice, very flattering on all skin types.

We also learn that we're on our way to Ireland!  Totally jealous, I want to travel there so badly!  Let's pack up and ship out to the Emerald Isle.

First Date

Nick.  Ish.  Terms to familiarize yourself with to summarize the date:

1. Beer Goggles
2. Walk Of Shame
3. Awash With Regret

We're on a roll this season seeing how many nationalities we can mock and make fun of; for those keeping track we've so far nailed Sumos (Japan), Mariachi (Mexico), and Ireland. 

The girl in the far left with the tan jacket was just as appalled.  Let's go in for a closer look:

She seems to feel compelled to record it for proof that Americans are as dumb as the rest of the world thinks; Lithgow is happy to oblige.  You can't not watch as much as you hate yourself for giving them an audience.  You can see the shade and self-loathing in her face:

Sadly Kaitlyn and Nick spend all day (and night) together.  They have dinner, they have drinks, they feel each other up at a pub, outside some stores, on a gate, and in her hotel room.  Then comes the dreaded closed door and sound bites *urp*.  I don't judge her for being physical with one of the men, I totally agree that attraction and connection on that level is really important - I just judge her for doing it with him.  She couldn't have picked Generic Gosling?!  That I would totally understand!  *shudder*

Funnily enough she's working through her own demons the next morning:

My sentiments, exactly.  What were you thinking?  Refer to "Beer Goggles" for a pretty solid explanation.

Group Date

To continue with the tradition set this season, we had another weird date.  An Irish wake.  You think I'm kidding?

Yep; that's our girl ... in a coffin.  Huh.

Not surprising the men found it just as perplexing, but once they got into the spirit of "celebration of life" versus "mourning the dead" they had some fun with it.  I have to say, Tanner won the date with his poem:

I once dated a girl with 25 men
She was beautiful; her name was Kait-len.
But all we ever did
Was date in groups;
She made me dress up and jump through hoops!
How I'm still here nobody knows;
Hell, even I'm surprised that I got a rose.
But I like you and want time tonight, so put it in your planner.
And in case you forgot,
My name is Tanner

Done.  Hilarious!  They toast to the afternoon, listen to some adorable Irish guys singing "Whiskey in the Jar" and then go to part 2 of their date at Guiness.

In her time alone with each guy she was blown away by Jared and gave him the rose.  They got to go to a church for some alone time and we got our first concert of the season! The Cranberries!

Finally someone I've heard of!  And like!  Even better!!  The rose just about put an end to Generic Gosling; by the time credits were ready to roll he was in a meltdown. He wants to go home, Kaitlyn wants to go home -- it's pandamoneum!

We're left with the following teasers: will Nick spill the beans on their intimate evening?  Will Kaitlyn tell the guys what happened?  Will Gosling leave?  And why is everyone crying????

What is happening?! 

Aubrey and I need to know!!!  (PS - is this not one of the best captures ever???!!!  Props to the camera crew on "Marriage Bootcamp: Reality Stars" for this -- the other show I watch religiously and you should too)

So we wait.  And in the meantime have to catch up with Britt and Mackelmore...again.  I'm so tired of them.  This time she brought him home to meet her mom:

Mom friend-zoned him, but Britt still has high hopes that it's going places.  Maybe to the store to find a new hat?

See you next week!

6/16/15: The Bachelorette - wk 5

Hello, hello!

 

I have been waiting for the moment this season where I get excited.  I gotta say, I turned into Sue last night:



 

YES!!!

The drama is REAL and I can barely contain myself!  ABC is delivering on their promise of a dramatic season and it's going to be amazing.

Ok, first let's pick up where we left off last week with Nick Lithgow's 7 years in Tibet journey to the hotel (The Knickerbocker, remember?  See, that product placement really works!)  He opens the door and it's like a perp line-up.  The axis of the hotel had to have been thrown off as all the guys sat on one side of the room, leaving Nick in the hot seat all alone:

The most vocal of the group were Tanner and Joshua, peppering Lithgow with questions and skepticism.  I approve - he could stand to be a little hot under the collar for pulling a stunt like this.  As Nick spitted his way through answering and calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick" about 10 times Joshua was not impressed:

That is some major side-eye!

 

And Jonathan Tubbs was throwing shade:

 

Girl, you better not thing we were born yesterday.

They decided to live and let live for today and got ready for the rose ceremony.  We all got dragged to the Met stadium to stand out in the cold and watch Kaitlyn give roses to the mansicles.  How come she got to wear a big coat and scarf but the dudes were literally left out in the cold on that memo?

 

Field of dreams this is not.

We bid adieu to Tubbs, Corey, and Ryan B.  Hope Corey took those hotel slippers with him, and maybe the branded bathrobe too - it only seems fair to get some sort of party favor as consolation.

 

Time to pack your bags as we're off to San Antonio, Texas!  Makes me think of the folk song "The Yellow Rose of Texas".

 

Wait, that's just the yellowing old bruise under Justin's eye.  Still.  For real, dude; put some ice on it, maybe try some concealer - it's really distracting.

 

Group Date #1

 

 

Should we insult another culture by making these boys sing mariachi?  Sure, why not!  We started with actual mariachi singers showing us all how it's really done, and Kaitlyn was so smitten with the young boy singing to her she almost added him as another suitor:

 

 

It wouldn't surprise me at this point, any rando showing her some attention and she's ready to put him on the cast just in case he might be her husband. He was totes adorbs, though, so I can understand (just give him a few years to be at least 18).

 

All the men butchered this traditional Mexican style of entertainment, but none more so than Ian.  He thought with his "performance background" he was the big shit:

 

Turns out he was actually just a big pile of shit. 

Same smile, even!

He was off-tune and couldn't get one audible word out.  I feel his story starting to unravel - can we get some fact checkers to vet his profile?  Did he learn to "sing" in his basement?  Was his mother his only fan?  I'm willing to bet $10 that's closer to the truth than the BS he was shoveling on his application.

Happy hour brought Joshua screeching to a halt, as he tried to continually warn Kaitlyn about Nick.  I don't trust Nick either, but unless you're sure your bros aren't going to hang you out to dry just keep your mouth shut.  Sadly he also let our lady give him a haircut:

She only got half his head completed before the clippers died, so this just added to his case of seeming to have a few screws loose.  Ah well, it'll grow back!  Nick got the group date rose (barf!)

1:1 Date numero uno

 

 

Ben Brady!  They haul ass to the local dance hall to learn some 2-step for the evening's state competition.  They didn't look half bad by the time they were done, but they got tapped out in round 2.  Ben fared better when it came time to get the date rose and secured his safety until next week.

 

1:1 Date #2

 

Generic Gosling got to go kayaking down the river walk. 

 

 

He looked pretty good, I must admit, but the baby ducks came in from left field to win my heart.

 

D'aww!!

ABC really knows their audience; muscly dude doing some physical activity and then throw some ducklings at us for good measure.  Yep, you got me!

 

They enjoy their evening sharing and receiving, having and holding, and Shawn tells her he's falling in love with her.  She goes in for a hug and kiss, and breaks ABC rule #1: you never admit your true feelings until the final rose ceremony:

 

 



What?!  Did she just tell him she's falling in love with him too?!  That isn't supposed to happen until the final rose!!!  Girl is breaking all the rules!  They hop into a canoe and watch some fireworks from the middle of a swamp - it was very "Little Mermaid" and he listened to the critters to plant a kiss on the girl.  Rose for him too.

 

Cocktail Party

 

This has me sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for next week.  Ian has pumped up his ego so much I'm surprised he could fit it into the Alamo for this evening.  A few nuggets of his true self:  "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton-graduate-former-model that defied death and has been around the world a couple times."  "She's not half as pretty as my ex."  "I have no problem getting laid, I have sex all the time actually."  He sounds like a peach!  He's gunning hard in his pitch to be the next Bachelor (hahahahaha) and decides to share a little of his authentic self with our lady friend.  He tells her that he's there to meet a wife, and thinks she's just there to get 'busy' with as many guys as she can.  Just as she's getting wound up - BOOM:

 

 

NOOOOOOOO!!!!  We're left with snippets from next week with Ian storming out, Kaitlyn getting fired up, the rest of the guys seeing the aftermath -- and we have to wait an entire week for it!!! 

 

Plus, some bonus footage of next week that was teased at the beginning of the season.  A little math equation for you:

 

 

Sue and I will be hiding in our turtlenecks until next Monday - grab yours and join us!  This is getting GOOOOD!