1/26/15: The Bachelor - Ep 4

Happy Tuesday!

No earth-shattering announcements from the Bachelor world today, so we can get right down to business.

Let’s start with the first group date: Camping!  Or as KardAshley thought, GLAMping

Picturing her in Iowa is like the lost season of The Simple Life – not a good idea.

Again, I’ve never seen so many women with full make-up on for lake swimming and camping.  Kelsey was not having a great time and kept complaining about having to rough it with a bunch of chicks (Chris included in that, our farmer couldn’t even put up his own tent) – but karma came back and bit her.  Well, stung is more like it; she got stabbed by a bee during her interview time!  Be more grateful or go home – there are girls back at the house who are just napping in the pool right now.  Geez (in case you can’t tell this is sarcasm)

BTW getting to the camp site was like a cable-TV version of Crossroads:

Starring D-list actors you’ve ever heard of – wait, that’s like the major motion picture too!

At the campfire that night Mackenzie was talking about aliens again, but Ashley S. stole the spotlight.  She was back to her wacky antics cornering the bach:

Say what?!  Every time you’ve talked to our Bachelor Farmer you’ve been tripping on something potent!  How can you be in love????

Scared.  Very, very scared.

Chris’ 3 sisters paid a visit to the mansion last night to pick a lovely lady for a one-on-one date.  Nothing too noteworthy except Whitney looked like she should be related to them (hair/eye coloring and even facial features looked similar!).  They interviewed each chick and chose Jade.  She got the Cinderella treatment, literally.  Behold, the first shameless plug of the season!

Our fairy godmother:

She bestowed a pair of Louboutins, diamond earrings, and a smashing blue dress upon Jade.  The first two things she got to keep – jealous!!

While they were getting ready they “spontaneously” watched a trailer for the new movie:

Another live-action abomination of a Disney classic.  When will the insanity stop?!

As Jade departed to meet up with Prince Farming she looked lovely:

And ABC played up the ugly stepsister vibe as the other women watched her leave:

Classic.

Jade arrived to some rando mansion for dinner and dancing.  The entire time we were subjected to subliminal messaging about why we’re really here:

Cinderella

Cinderella!

CINDERELLA!!!

Finally it’s midnight and she has to go home.  I don’t know how much more I could have handled of that saccharine date.  Time for group date #2!

The Running of the Brides

5 of our ladies got dressed up in wedding dresses to do a mud run for MS.  To get in the spirit some decided to put the mud on like eye black, while Becca thought it was a free facial:

That’s not how you apply it, Becca.  It goes under your eyes, not all over your face.

They raced to win a 1:1 with Chris.  Jillian beat everyone (no surprise there, she’s the Bionic (wo)Man, afterall) but it was really Chris who won.  The prize: two tickets to the gun show:

Their date consisted of Jillian talking about herself the entire time and how she has no goals or lifeplan; Chris was bored and decided to daydream about unicorns and rainbows.  Seriously, those were his words.  In the end he chose to send her home.  I don’t think anyone was sad to see her go, I for one was tired of looking at her and her blacked-out butt.

Time for the cocktail party!

I am annoyed by Britt’s earrings.  To be specific, these teal sticks that she is ALWAYS wearing:

What’s even worse is she has them in her 2^nd holes.  She over-accessorizes with plastic jewelry: stick earrings, gaudy rings, etc.  Over it.

In total Chris sent home the following:

Nikki, Juelia Gulia, and Ashley S.  She had to have seen this coming, but that didn’t stop her from throwing some serious shade at our bachelor.  If looks could kill:

He’ll wish he was dead – I wouldn’t put it past her to try to burn the house down.

Welp, there we have it!  See you next week - filled with teasers of TONS OF DRAMA (translation: a visit from the EMT). I can't wait J

1/20/15: The Bachelor - Ep 3

Week 3 – who’s ready?!

Before we begin tonight’s journey we have to celebrate 2 WEDDINGS:

#1:

Des and Chris made it official this past Saturday, tying the knot in sunny California.  No wedding pics released yet but they have the poe-tential to be amazing!

#2: The second congrats is to Shannon and Nick.  More to come on that later J

Ok, now back to present matters. 

ABC added a much needed dose of sarcasm and passive aggressive mockery by throwing Jimmy Kimmel in the mix to help our Bachelor Farmer this week!  He arranged dates, crashed dates, and had the best exit interview ever J  Inspired by Hollywood’s awards season, we’re going to try something new today and name each date with a movie title reflective of the events.  Ready?  Let’s go.

First date: Hot Tub Time Machine

This 1:1 went to Kaitlyn aka Miley (Cyrus – tell me you don’t see that!), and her and Chris got to do some wholesale shopping at Costco! 

They bought Jimmy some pants, more ketchup than any human would need in a 5 year span, and prepared for a tricycle BBQ.  Chris and Jimmy hit it off swimmingly (pun intended), and I guess the red lipstick our bachelor was sporting all night was evidence that he and Miley did as well.  The three capped it off with a little relaxing in the hot tub:

Group Date: Babe

The ladies were tasked with farm related competition events: shuck corn, retrieve an egg from a chicken coop, cook that egg, milk a goat, drink that milk, shovel some s*&t, and then wrassel a piglet.  Jillian demonstrated her Bionic (wo)Man skills by leaping this fence in a single bound:

Apparently her butt sticks out of every pair of bottoms she brought with her – perhaps Chris and Miley should have bought her new drawers at Costco too.

Our cruise ship singer Carly was victorious, but again didn’t really win anything but a blue ribbon and an “American Gothic” photo with Chris (was that the only artwork they could get the rights to use?  First Cupee Cody and now this … I sense a pattern).  I’d pass on those ‘prizes’ if it meant I didn’t have to drink that warm, unpasteurized milk.  *gag*

3^rd Date: Wedding Crashers

Baby-making Whitney got this date, and her and Chris were whisked away for a picnic at a local vineyard.  While chatting and swilling, they spotted a wedding in the distance (the aforementioned Shannon & Nick).  Whitney proposes they crash it, and Chris is pink with barely contained glee (or maybe it’s just his shirt) at the thought of it.

giggle giggle giggle

 They quickly find suitable evening wear and a random gift, and they are off!  The producers kept a safe distance but used their super zoom lenses to watch the evening.  Chris is terrible at improv, while Whit seems to be a pro!  They chatted with the bride’s sister, her mom, and a bunch of other guests – enjoying the DJ, free drinks, a decent dinner, and posing as an engaged couple that are distant friends of the bride and groom.  Kudos to them, that actually looked like more fun than any date ABC would have arranged!

Time (already!) for the cocktail party.  Instead of the evening event Jimmy tells them to have a pool party instead.  I’ve never seen so many girls in false lashes, high heels, and full make-up for swimming.  Oh, and the headbands … count ‘em:

 Those will be some funky tan lines in the morning!  And KardAshley: that is sooo Kim K circa 2011.  Been there, done that.  What else you got?

Full disclosure: I was super irritated by Juelia Gulia this entire episode.  First there was her matchy-matchy lipstick/necklace/nails:

Then there was this eyesore of an ensemble:

Two brights made a wrong.  Pick one or the other – do not do both, it hurts.

And then I was distracted by the way she talks.  I can’t figure out if she’s just too aware of her matte lipstick and therefore over annunciates, or if she’s sporting some Invisalign and it’s giving her a speech impediment.  Either way, I fully acknowledge that I am heartless B for cringing during her entire sob story – I just wanted her to stop talking.

Anywho, we bid adieu to Tracy, Trina, and Amber.  Someone give this girl her teddy bear already:

Oddly enough this chick is still here:

HOW??? WHY???

My sentiments, exactly, Ashley S.  I’m confused too.

See you next week!!

1/13/15: The Bachelor - Ep 2

We need to have a moment of silence for the failed relationship of Andi & Josh.  I am actually a little heartbroken about this, they seemed like would have gone the distance.  Did Josh get tired of staring at her Chicklet teeth?  Did Andi grow weary of playing second fiddle to Aaron Murray’s football career?  We may never know.  I do know, however, that she made her own dress for the red carpet boozefest last week, and for that odd olive garment alone I’d send her packing (she ditched her Asst DA career to become a fashion designer … STAHP!)  It only cost her $15 and she sewed it by hand on the plane.  Give me 15 seconds, a bed sheet, and a clothespin and I could make that dress too.

Ok, mourning moment over – on to Week 2!!

Group Date #1:  She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy

Yeah, not so much.  The girls did tractor ‘races’ through downtown LA – what city official signed off on that closure?! – to win a few moments with Farmer Chris. 

The winner: KardAshley

Though that didn’t grant her an additional date beyond 5 minutes of alone time; Prom Queen Mackenzie swooped in for that prize.  They talked about aliens, how grown up Chris is, how big his nose is (compliment according to her, insult according to him) and that he kissed her like 5 TIMES that night !!  EEEE!  I bet she can’t wait to tell her friends at her next sleepover J  Shockingly she came out of that train wreck date with a rose.

While half the group was out of the house, 2 of the other ladies decided to practice their B&E skills and take a stroll through Chris’ temp housing.  Megan and Jillian snooped through his clothes, his fridge, and Megan modeled his motorcycle helmet to perform her own crash tests:

Unfortunately for her, the helmet-head took a toll as she was reading the date card.  She thought Chris was just sending her a love note when in fact it was the invite for the 1:1 date – no way!  Maybe she hasn’t watched for the past 20 seasons, or maybe she shook something loose in her head-on with the bricks.  Thankfully she pulled herself together to take a private jet and a helicopter to the Grand Canyon.  She was amazed, she cried (to be fair it’s because her dad just died – still doesn’t compete with the widows, though) and they had a great time.  Rose for her too.

The next group date plopped the other half of the ladies in the middle of a paintball field filled with zombies.  I’ve never heard a group of adult women scream that much.  I’m pretty sure the limo contracts don’t cover urine clean-up – so sadly ABC will lose their deposit for that.  Amber was crying for her teddy bear (you forget she brought it with her to the mansion, didn’t you?) but Ashley S. was ready for combat.  Against who she wasn’t sure (don’t shoot at the crew!), and she might not have known where she was, but she was ready:

No, sweetie, you’re in California – not Colorado.

Ashley S. is a serious lunatic.  She thinks she saw angels in the candles (huh?), she told the other ladies to find their own path (topped off with a “BOOM”), and she basically was the best case study for why antipsychotic meds need to be dispensed in 90 day quantities.  That is not a prescription she should have skipped the refill on – can the medics on standby get her a few???  I’m starting to fear for the safety of the entire cast and crew. 

Tara stayed sober tonight (sadly) so Jordan picked up where she left off.  I am not sure if we’ve seen her dry yet – maybe when she first exited the limo??  Probably not.  Anywho, here she is in all her glory:

That’s frizzy hair, bloodshot eyes, slurred speech gold.  Do they still sequester the rejects??  I hope so, might serve as a makeshift rehab for her to sober up a little. 

Ok, cocktail party time.  Unfortunately for us we were subjected to dimwitted chatter about how inexperienced KardAshley is and how jealous Prom Queen is about that.  I don’t get it either, don’t worry.  To top that off, wannabe Kim/Kourtney/Khloe sister then accosted our farmer so he could rub her bellybutton ring genie lamp for 3 wishes.  I wish I were making this up.  Predictably he wished he could kiss her, and what followed was the most uncomfortable 15 seconds of TV – I hid my eyes until it was over, I just couldn’t look at that.

*shudder* Make it stop!!

The evening redeemed itself by showcasing an epic double doo doo faux pas from Jillian:

Oops #1: He called for Juelia – instead, Jillian steps forward

Oops #2: As she tried to course-correct she took a spill

I paused-rewind-repeated that at least 5 times last night.   I’m not even sorry. 

In the end we said farewell to Alissa our flight attendant, Jordan the drunk, Tandra (aka Blake Lively), and Tara.  We got to see a major pouty face from Tara on her way home:

Epic boo-hoos going on there.  I need a gif of that!

The loss of Blake Lively hurt, but we’re excited for next week – are you?!  J

*For those of you who don’t know, this is our almost-2 yr old puppy, Chompy – he lives up to his name everyday.  He makes for an excellent sidekick on Bachelor nights <3 o:p="">

1/6/15: The Bachelor - Ep 1

Friends!!!  My apologies that it's been this long, but I am back and ready to guide you through another installment of America's favorite train wreck reality show.

Let's start!

Unbeknownst to me, last night was 3 HOURS long, with the first 60 minutes dedicated to red carpet arrivals for the live ABC viewing party.  We got to see some of our past favorites like Sean & Catherine, Andi & Josh; and some of our not so favorites like Chris Bukowski.  Why is this creeper at everything??? 

We were also treated to the usual Bachelor history vignette.  I fast forwarded through most of it since I am familiar with our leading man, but had to rewind and pause when this happened:

I guess Chris and Cupee Cody bonded while on Andi’s season and are now bros – but that doesn’t explain why Cody is shirtless standing in the corn with Chris (strangest recreation of “American Gothic” I’ve ever seen).  I’ll try not to think about it too much, there isn’t enough time for questions when we have the imminent arrival of 30 ladies.

The first half of the arrivals were tolerable – no shtick or guffaws, and was a nice change to the usual bumbling beauties that pour out of the limos.  Sadly that didn’t last long; the rest of the ladies hammed it up and looked like Three Stooges rejects.  We had a karaoke singer, a Harley rider, love rocks from Peru, love letters from school kids, and a pig nose (I wish I were joking).  I want to go on record as saying that I declared last week that Reegan is a vampire, and she proved it by bringing a bloody heart with her last night:

She says it was a joke, but never said what the object actually was – either way our Farmer was as grossed out as I was and no one was laughing.

Mackenzie appears to have re-used her prom dress for her arrival:

It’s in great shape – understandable since it’s only 3 YEARS OLD.  She’s 21 and is really into Chris because he’s “a grown up”.  (*facepalm* if you have to say that about your boyfriend odds are you aren’t one yourself)

Some people say that you can tell who a person is just by looking into their eyes.  I have to believe that based on these 2 ladies, the (crazy) eyes have it:

The pupil to sclera ratio is unnerving – you should never see that much white.

Premier guarantee: someone will be drunk on night one – last night was no exception and we were blessed with not one, but 3 inebriated gals:

Drunk #1: Ashley S.

One of our crazy eyed friends – anyone surprised here?  She rambled on in front of the camera about onions being people and how you have to peel them – then spotted an ‘onion’ in the nearby tree that turned out to be a pomegranate.  Those sneaky fruits – Pom Wonderful that can double as quiche seasoning! 

Drunk #2: Jordan

Our collegiate contestant brought miniature bottles of whiskey to the house to do shots with Chris – she was flushed and dewy looking from that point on.

Drunk #3: Tara

Tara was swilling Jack all night – shots, on the rocks, heck she probably had a bottled stashed in her dress.  I’m guessing she was on the brink of alcohol poisoning by the time the Rose Ceremony came around, but thankfully no refreshments are allowed during that portion of the evening so her liver got a brief reprieve.  She did, however, reenact the 4 Stages of Drunk for us:

Stage 1: Realization of your inebriation.  You’re becoming aware of how toasted you are, and the only thing keeping you upright is deep breathing.  Meditation techniques come in handy – recommended pre-requisite before any boozy marathon.

Stage 2: You have never been so affectionate in your entire life.  Your love is directed not only at those around you (friend or foe) but also toward yourself.  A short lived self-esteem high – enjoy the moment.

Stage 3: You feel like the Earth’s axis is moving at alarming rates.  Among the side effects is skewed equilibrium – your lady-like balance is out the window.  Plan to be barefoot by now, and as Tara demonstrates having a few friends nearby to offer bumper support is key.

Stage 4: Your buzz has leveled out and you find yourself with a case of the munchies.  Get directions to the nearest Taco Bell before you try eating the local fauna.

There was so much secondhand embarrassment for her, I couldn’t look away!

What literally was the longest Rose Ceremony ever finally concluded with 8 women stuffed back into the limos.  You can imagine the tears that were shed; I need to invest in Kleenex stock:

I will cut them a little slack, by the time they got the axe the sun was coming up – how long are they there for??  This is the Bachelor, not gitmo.  Seems a little cruel.

We will officially begin our journey with 22 women and lots of drama!  Who else is excited for next week?!