8/19/14: Bachelor in Paradise - ep 3

Thank goodness this show is only a few weeks long, I don't know how much more I can take.  Elise is full-on bats**t crazy, and should volunteer for research studies on relationships, mental health, emotional health, and delusional tendencies.  I think she'd be a great candidate!  Does "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" exist in real life?  She may be the first documented case with her amazing ability to amnesia herself out of the Dylan slump and bounce back so quickly with Chris.

I was taking my puppy for a walk so missed the first 10 minutes of last night's episode, which I'd naively assumed would be busy recapping last week -- I was wrong.  We were introduced to a new cast mate during that time!  Who remembers Danielle from Juan Pablo's season?

???

Yeah, I didn't either.  Her hair is now blond and in desperate need of a VO5 treatment -- humidity is not her friend.

Her and Marquel went on a date, Elise and Chris went on a date, AshLee and Graham went on a date, and then Jackie from Sean's season showed up and snatched Marquel out of Danielle's grips for a date.

Happy to report that Chris injured himself, he embarrassed himself with some really inappropriate innuendos and suggestions, and Elise was too busy planning their wedding and future babies' names to care that she was portrayed as a hussy on tv.  Just as well,  after 2 dates they rode off into the sunset together and left paradise so Chris could heal in Chicago under Elise's careful watch.  She thinks she's Florence Nightingale, when really she's just eye candy for the wounded warrior.

Rose ceremony: Danielle goes home and flaps her hair over her face in the Reject RV (mature, healthy reaction), and as mentioned Chris and Elise Bukowski peace out.  Michelle Money (who I'm thoroughly tired of looking at) bawls her eyes out again when Chris saves her from impending doom and getting booted out of the house -- apparently since he didn't need to give his rose to Elise he felt the need to keep M&M around.  WHY??!!!  I was happy when it looked like she was going to leave ... don't dangle the dream and then snatch it away!

Next week we have a 2 parter on Monday/Tuesday -- there's an ambulance, some chick runs away to the jungle, AshLee raises the insanity bar again, and someone ends up bleeding.  All I gotta say is there better be buckets of blood around and not just some paper cut we're overly dramatic about.  Something needs to liven this up!

To stave off the frustration at how bored I am after this week, here's a montage of my ridiculously adorable dog:

Ah, I feel better :)

So cute, I can't stand it!  No wonder he can get away with murder ;)  And yes, that is the same dog in all 3 pictures - the headshot is right after he got his hair cut and the others are more recent.  His hair gets shaggy and curly as it grows, and man alive he's cute both ways!

See you next week!

8/12/14: Bachelor in Paradise - ep 2

Holy Hannah, these girls are insane!  I just have to throw that out there now and get it out of my system.  Yikes!!

Ok, now we'll start somewhat in order of events:

- Chris B. showed up (groan).  Is this creep's 15 mins of fame seriously not up yet?!
- The Marcus/Lacy/Robert tricycle was fodder for the rest of the cast to chat about
- Zack arrived (you know, the dude you forgot was ever on Des' season) and Clare finally had a legit love interest to coo over
- Michelle K. left last week because she fell for a crew member who broke both his legs trying to keep their budding romance a secret - his name is Ryan Putz.  Irony can be really painful :)
- As my friend M.G. pointed out, Lacy looks like a loris

I can't not see it now!!

Dylan was picking up on some Stage 5 Clinger vibes from Elise and told her to enjoy her time on the beach and get to know other people.  She took that as a test to make him jealous so immediately made out with Chris (ew).  Next day she told Dylan about it; he was grossed out (as he should be) and permanently parked her in the Friend Zone.  Elise took this as him being scared of his true feelings for her, and kept the hope alive that they would still come of out the show as a couple.  I'd love to know what color the sky is in her world, I get the feeling it's a rainbow with glitter and unicorns.

Hmm, pretty

As expected people went on dates, we got to see Sarah with One Arm put bracelets on (seriously, ABC - stahp), and we had our next scandal when Ben was caught with a love note.  He admitted to have fallen in love with some rando he met a few weeks before filming started, and willingly went home.  Not before quietly professing his allegiance to Turtle Power, though:

I hope this belongs to his son...

Time for the Rose Ceremony!  This week was the ladies' turn to hand out the roses and all was going smoothly until Elise.  She offered it to Dylan, who refused on the grounds of Friend Zone, which launched her into some really bizarre speech about her feelings, and her thoughts, and more of her feelings.  Like everyone else there, I didn't know what the heck she was talking about.  However you know you're off the reservation if AshLee is embarrassed for you:

Sadly Dylan was sent home last night, but I think he was relieved to be able to get some distance from Elise. I don't remember what we were teased with as reason to watch again next week, but without fail I will be there.

I leave you with a last-minute addition to your summer reading lists:

Once you're done reading, discuss among yourselves the many ways she showed her Crazy last night.  There were at least 100 so this should keep you busy until next Monday night :)

8/6/14: Bachelor in Paradise - ep 1

Alright, Bachelor Nation, we've started our journey through paradise to find luuurve!

The night started with 6 guys and 7 girls, with an 8th chick showing up later.  We've got Marcus, Marquel, Robert, Ben, Graham, and Dylan; then One Arm Sarah, Crazy Clare, AshLee, Daniella, Michelle, Michelle Money, Lacy, and pageant girl Elise.

This episode was also 2 hours long, and boy could you tell.  Here's a run-down (as short as I could make it):

1.  There were poor shoe choices:

Chris to the ladies: break a leg!  Um, I mean, good luck finding a man!

And more:

Marcus and Graham look like they are wearing either cement shoes, or those slippers that "look" like sneakers:

Why are the proportions so off?  Their feet aren't shaped like bricks, so I'm thoroughly confused.  At least Marquel wore actual slippers, I can appreciate his penchant for comfort.

2.  Did you know Sarah only has one arm?  (thinly veiled sarcasm, because we all know).  We get it.  She has ONE ARM.  She is self conscious about said ONE ARM.  She's the most normal girl there as far as mental and emotional stability, so I understand she needs a hook of some sort (no pun intended - they just come to me!) but let's stop harping on her handicap.

3.  Marcus has butt sweat:

ewwww

This is why you should always wear dark colored pants, bro.  No one wants to see that - especially when you're trying to land a chick.  Wonder if production keeps a spare pair like at daycare?  

4.  AshLee is NUTS.  She came to Mexico only because Graham would be there; they spent all of 10 seconds talking to each other and she was already planning their wedding.  Day 1 Clare got a date card and asked Graham; he accepted and that sent AshLee scurrying to the hotel in tears about how he was unfaithful.  PUMP YOUR BREAKS, chica.  Do you even know his last name???

AshLee's theme song (you're welcome for the earwig btw)

5. AshLee is dumb.  Not being mean, just stating a fact.  Her quote of the night in regard to the pre rose ceremony cocktail party: "I'm sure there are some girls who are nervous.  I'm sure they're doing some last-minute conversating."  Wow - Mensa member she is not.

6. No less than 3 women cried on night one: the aforementioned AshLee, Clare, and Lacy.  Random grievance since I'm talking about her: Lacy has a baby voice.  It makes me stabby.

7. I'm concerned for the innocent wildlife that were forced into cohabitation with these wackos.  Case in point, this unsuspecting little raccoon was the nominated therapist for Clare's meltdown:

I feel for ya, buddy

8.  I guess I should include that people went on dates.

In the end Michelle sent herself home, and Daniella was not given a rose.  Least flattering face at this news:

Perhaps that's why she didn't make any connections with the guys.  Just a thought :)

Well that takes care of the first episode - we're promised scandal and injury next week so I can't wait!  See you then!