I have a new job! That's great, great news. But, it's been a rough day so forgive me if I'm hard-pressed to find more to be excited about today.
We still aren't pregnant. We still don't have a baby.
I get asked a lot: have you considered adoption? Have you considered surrogacy? Let me answer both.
Adoption: yes, but only briefly. I understand that there are many, many children who need loving parents and safe homes. However, there's something to be said for having a child of your own DNA, someone who has your crooked nose or squinty eye. Someone to carry the family legacy that you feel so proud to be part of - strong men and even stronger women who deserve to be carried in to a new generation. Adoption is also expensive and complicated, costing around $15,000 for one child for domestic adoption. And there are waiting lists. Do you match a mother's expectations? Does she match yours? So while we never say "never" or "no" - that's not an option for us at this time. Call me crazy - I call myself that plenty.
Surrogacy: yes, we've considered surrogacy but damn if that's not just as complicated and expensive as any other option. The route we thought was open for us is now filled with legal landmines that lawyers have declined helping us on. Another door closed. For now. And do you know the cost associated with that? If I can't squeeze out my own egg we need to buy one from a donor, and then either implant in me or find a gestational carrier. Both cost more money than you can imagine - minimum $10,000 and all the way to up to $100,000 in cases I've read about. Staggering, and unfortunately out of reach for us.
As I sit here today feeling frustrated and defeated (again) I can't help but have regrets. Why didn't I start trying sooner? Why didn't I get tested sooner? Why didn't I have gastric bypass when I was 18 and had insurance coverage so that I wasn't faced with weight being a factor for IVF? Why did I quit the job that offered health insurance with infertility coverage? Why can't we get pregnant? WHY ME?????
I know life isn't fair. I know I've been blessed in other ways. I know I have a ton to be thankful for in my life, and I am. But that doesn't make today any easier. I'm not asking for perfect, I'm not even asking for easy - I'm just asking for us to catch a break. When will this work for us?
Or terrifyingly: what if it doesn't?
xoxo
In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc
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