8/6/14: Bachelor in Paradise - ep 1

Alright, Bachelor Nation, we've started our journey through paradise to find luuurve!

The night started with 6 guys and 7 girls, with an 8th chick showing up later.  We've got Marcus, Marquel, Robert, Ben, Graham, and Dylan; then One Arm Sarah, Crazy Clare, AshLee, Daniella, Michelle, Michelle Money, Lacy, and pageant girl Elise.

This episode was also 2 hours long, and boy could you tell.  Here's a run-down (as short as I could make it):

1.  There were poor shoe choices:

Chris to the ladies: break a leg!  Um, I mean, good luck finding a man!

And more:

Marcus and Graham look like they are wearing either cement shoes, or those slippers that "look" like sneakers:

Why are the proportions so off?  Their feet aren't shaped like bricks, so I'm thoroughly confused.  At least Marquel wore actual slippers, I can appreciate his penchant for comfort.

2.  Did you know Sarah only has one arm?  (thinly veiled sarcasm, because we all know).  We get it.  She has ONE ARM.  She is self conscious about said ONE ARM.  She's the most normal girl there as far as mental and emotional stability, so I understand she needs a hook of some sort (no pun intended - they just come to me!) but let's stop harping on her handicap.

3.  Marcus has butt sweat:

ewwww

This is why you should always wear dark colored pants, bro.  No one wants to see that - especially when you're trying to land a chick.  Wonder if production keeps a spare pair like at daycare?  

4.  AshLee is NUTS.  She came to Mexico only because Graham would be there; they spent all of 10 seconds talking to each other and she was already planning their wedding.  Day 1 Clare got a date card and asked Graham; he accepted and that sent AshLee scurrying to the hotel in tears about how he was unfaithful.  PUMP YOUR BREAKS, chica.  Do you even know his last name???

AshLee's theme song (you're welcome for the earwig btw)

5. AshLee is dumb.  Not being mean, just stating a fact.  Her quote of the night in regard to the pre rose ceremony cocktail party: "I'm sure there are some girls who are nervous.  I'm sure they're doing some last-minute conversating."  Wow - Mensa member she is not.

6. No less than 3 women cried on night one: the aforementioned AshLee, Clare, and Lacy.  Random grievance since I'm talking about her: Lacy has a baby voice.  It makes me stabby.

7. I'm concerned for the innocent wildlife that were forced into cohabitation with these wackos.  Case in point, this unsuspecting little raccoon was the nominated therapist for Clare's meltdown:

I feel for ya, buddy

8.  I guess I should include that people went on dates.

In the end Michelle sent herself home, and Daniella was not given a rose.  Least flattering face at this news:

Perhaps that's why she didn't make any connections with the guys.  Just a thought :)

Well that takes care of the first episode - we're promised scandal and injury next week so I can't wait!  See you then!