Project Baby: This form of punctuation ends a statement

What is a period?

I'm currently waiting for mine to start.  We had a conference with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) on 2/13/18.  We gathered to assess our restarting point after taking some time off from Project Baby.  It was great to see him, he's a calm and reassuring presence that gives me confidence in the path we're taking.  Time to exhale and let him guide us through.  I trust him, and that's huge.

He laid out our plan.  4 cycles of IUI and timed intercourse, with medicines to make my body perform.  We can do all 4 back to back, or we can spread them out - it's up to us.  If these 4 don't 'stick' we regroup.

After consult I went straight into line for a blood draw.  I used to hate it, but now I kind of like it.  It makes me feel like I'm contributing something to this process, and that I have some level of control over it.  I've made friends with The Vampires (aka the very nice nursing staff at our clinic).  They are efficient and good -- they hit it every time.  I have the littlest veins of anyone I know, and they like to hide.  To minimize the poking, we go right into my wrist most of the time.  It hurts like a son of a B, but better be poked once in a sensitive spot than 3 times in the wrong spot.

DIY manicure looking pretty good if I do say so myself!

These labs were to see if I had ovulated yet this month (Progesterone level), if I was pregnant (HCG: Human chorionic gonadotropin), how is my thyroid doing (TSH: Thyroid-stimulating hormone), and what are my ovarian reserve (AMH: Anti-Mullerian Hormone) levels.  They have their own lab onsite to process the majority of the tests, so TSH, LH, and HCG came back same-day and I had a call from the nurses that afternoon.  Normal, negative, and negative, so it's time to trigger a period.  Provera to the rescue!

10 days of this and my period should start shortly thereafter.  It gave me a tummy ache so I took it at nighttime before bed - I don't know I'm nauseous if I'm asleep.  Win!

The last test was for my ovarian reserve, and basically gives a general idea of how much time I have left on my Biological Clock.  They send that to the Mayo for processing, so would take 3-4 days for results.  The rule of thumb is that if you don't hear back you're good to go -- no news is good news.  However, I'm more curious than George (the monkey) and like to know my numbers for my own education.  About a week had passed and I hadn't heard anything, so I called the nurse line and left a message.  While waiting for a callback I did some research on what normal levels of AMH are.  Normal AMH levels (1.5 to 4.0 ng/ml) are associated with increased fertility and better response rates to fertility treatments. Low–Normal AMH levels (1.0 to 1.5 ng/ml) are associated with decreased ovarian reserve but chances can still be good for pregnancy outcomes.  Less than 1.0 ng/ml is diminished reserve and that your Clock's alarm is going off.  OK, good to know.  I'm only 33 and all my other labs look good so I was hoping for an overachieving 3 ng/ml.  The call comes, and rolls to voicemail.

My levels are a 0.4 ng/ml.  My heart sank.  After everything we've already been through, everything I've already been through, and I have one more strike against me.  The nurse said that our doctor already reviewed the results and doesn't want to modify our plan - which should be reassuring.  But it was too late and I was already in a tailspin.  Were the next 4 cycles even worth trying?  Why are my numbers so low?  I already lost an ovary, a tube, and now the internet is basically saying I have nothing left in there.  Crushed doesn't begin to convey the heartbreak I was feeling.

I'm still sensitive to this topic - it's only been a few days.  I know that my body responded well to the treatment last time, and it's encouraging that our RE doesn't want to alter the plan yet -- that means this number is workable and didn't scare him like it did me.  I'm not ready to face the idea of never being able to bear a child of my own - I know there is a very real possibility that it might not happen for me but I've been trying to lock that idea and the associated emotions into a closet for now.  I don't want the negative to impact the possible positive outcome we could have this time around.  But it's still there.  Waving at me and creeping into my thoughts during the quiet moments.  It takes my breath away.

Perhaps it's low because I only have one ovary left - it makes sense that I would have lower than 'normal' numbers but for some reason that thought never occurred to me before.  Silly now that I think about it - but I do a pretty good job of tricking myself into forgetting that detail just 2 years later.  So what now?  We forge ahead.  When my period starts this first cycle starts.  I am very hopeful, and relieved that I already know what to expect at each appointment.  We've driven this road before, the path is marked.  I just need to follow along and let Jesus take the wheel.

It's 5:26pm on Sunday and I'm waiting for my period.  Waiting never gets easy.  Period.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link:
https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc