3/13/17: The Bachelor - ep 11 FINALE!

I can't even.  Finale Day is finally here, and all I can say is THANK GAWD.  I need to not see Nick Vile ever again on this franchise.  Good luck to Dancing With the Stars fans - he's your problem now!  Let's recap the Finale and put this season to rest:

Meet the Fockers
Raven is up to bat first and has a great time with the Vial family.  Mom looks like Droopy Dog the entire time, but Bella was stoked to see her roller skatin' gal pal again.  Mom has to slam her wine to keep the tears at bay -- that's right, lady, drink your feelings away!

Vanessa is next, and the collective disinterest on his family's faces was hysterical!  Emotionless robots listening to her describe herself like she's on a job interview.  Either they really didn't like her, didn't care, or Mom & Nick cornered the market on all the emotions allotted to the Vial family and these fringe family members were shorted in those genes.

Every single member of his family looked like this ... weird, right?

Family vetting done, time for the last dates.  Nick takes Vanessa horseback riding through the woods, while a really creepy Santa watched from behind the trees:

I don't think that's Santa, guys...

Vanessa cried the entire time about how she wasn't sure she's ready to get engaged, there's still so much left unsaid and to be figured out (where you gonna live?  maybe start there) - honestly didn't feel great leaving this date.  Time for Raven.

Nick took Raven ice skating where he showed off his best moves.  He was less Scott Hamilton and more Nancy Kerrigan:

Smooth

He also brought her some husky puppies to cuddle:

puppiessss!!!!!!

LOVE!  GIMME!  I'd rather have the puppies than Nick, so win win here!  HAHA  They spend their last few hours happy and giggly, with Raven reassuring Nick how much she loves him and is ready for this next step in their relationship.  She seemed so darn happy.

Brief visit from Neil Lane before we get to the dumping & proposal:

Can I have the ring and the dogs WITHOUT having to take Nick along, too?

OK, I'll stop procrastinating.  We get to D Day and the first gal out of the limo always seals their fate as being the Rejected.  Tonight was no different: Raven.  :'(

You got that right, buddy.

She handles the goodbye with so much grace and class, it was amazing to watch.  She shed one single tear, while Nick was bawling like a baby.  He blathered on about how great she was, how much he loved her, but that he wasn't sure he was in love with her.  Canned speech, but her reply was amazing:

YES!  I prob can't get away with saying this but I'm going to anyway -- YOU GO GIRL!  Baller response.  I would have given her a standing ovation for that.  I have a gif to match that keeps with the Harrison Ford theme, too:

In this case Princess Nick is getting confident shade from Han Raven

He shuffles her out to the waiting SUV and she's carted away before she can even grab her coat.  Whoops.  Vanessa arrives next, and Nick cries some more.  Together they almost flooded Finland - pull yourselves together, people!  He rambles about his love for her, and with a single glimpse of that rock from NL she says yes.

So much for your standards to not compromise and all your worries about real life issues.  We'll see how long this lasts.  I got no sense of Bachelor Nation support for them on the ATFR - I give it until summer at most.  All I know is I couldn't look at Vanessa's spider leg eyelashes for my lifetime:

Hard pass.  You got bottom lashes that long you don't need to decorate them - they can stand on their own.

So, there we have it.  The happy couple: Nick and Vanessa.  Good luck, I guess - now go away.

We wrap ATFR with learning that Raven will be on Bachelor in Paradise (I am SO watching that again!!!) and Rachel's season started live when she met a handful of men who will be moving into the mansion to participate on her season.  That actually was a surprise, so kudos to ABC for finally living up to one of their hypes!

If y'all are interested in the BiP, stay tuned -- I'll be here to recap the zany and wacky!  See you next time :)

And it's amazing!