6/2/15: The Bachelorette - wk 3

I'm bored with this season.  Already.  That can't bode well considering we have like 10 weeks left (j/k - but it's still quite a ways to go).  I'm tired of looking at Kaitlyn's teeth, listening to her subtle Canadian accent (eh), and I am flabberghasted that she finds all of these men sexy in the weirdest situations.  Also, the dates suck; we haven't seen even one floundering music act yet - WTF, ABC?

I'll slog through this episode, forgive me if it's lacking some of the usual je ne sais quoi.  We picked up with Kubah's massive meltdown, with a view of the production team's lovechild of Weird Al and LMFAO:

And can someone tell me why Kubah is wearing suspenders that aren't actually serving any type of function?  They aren't holding his pants up, and if anything would just pull them down.  Not a fashion statement I want to see more of.  WeirdAlMFAO, on the other hand, is wearing some pretty gnarly duds.  I'm getting a little Bob Ross from him too - which is not a bad thing.

I could use a happy little shrub or a fluffy white cloud right about now.

Kubah finally leaves and we can continue with rose ceremony.  We bid adieu to Danial and Cory as well -- did anyone remember these guys were still on the show?  Me neither.

Group Date #1

The fellas were woken by two sumo wrestlers banging a gong slowly in their ears:

These guys seemed to relish this - and I don't blame them!  Seems like it would be an amusing form of torture to inflict on someone who's about to get dressed in a diaper and wrestle -- paying respect to this tradition, my ass, Harrison!

Obvi the guys got dressed in the traditional garb and then shoved each other around on the driveway at the mansion.  There was a lot of pixelation going on, and much ribbing about all the parts on display. 

These guys need a course in tucking, apparently. 

Tony wanted to make love not war, so chose to exclude himself from the rest of the date.  I think his ponytail was pulled too tight and was making him cranky.

The driveway dash was just the warm up to the date, as team ABC thought it would be a good idea to bring this routine to the sidewalks of LA.  There were literally tens of people there to watch:

Notice brunette man in the top right who is wondering what the actual F he's doing there.  My question, exactly, sir.

There were no winners in this, everyone lost.  Some lost their eyesight (pixels don't exist in the real world, afterall), some lost their matches, and all lost their dignity.  Thanks to Tubbs aka Jonathan for this descriptive nugget: "You felt the power of man meat running into each other."  *urp* think I just lost my appetite...

While the group date goes to cocktail hour Tony packs up and leaves.  He misses his dogs, his bonsais, and wants to go home - but he's not a quitter.  Uh, that's the definition of a quitter, Tony.  At happy hour the group rose is bestowed upon Shawn B. He's like a knockoff Ryan Gosling; he dresses like him, styles his hair like him -- just not quite the real thing.



Generic Gosling

Next we have the 1:1 with Ben Z. 

Their date is arranged by Harrison and drops them off at what appears to be the set of "Sandford & Son":

Are they here to turn trash into treasures?  To be the guest stars on a new episode of "Hoarders: Buried Alive"?  Neither, apparently -- they are at this rundown storage shed to participate in a panic room experience. 

Complete with severed hands, fake blood, maggots, and snakes in toilets:

"I am tired of these mother F'ing snakes!"

They had to find the clues hidden amongst the garbage in the dark to find a key to let them out; all before the gas chamber turns on.  Kaitlyn thinks it's hot and is totally turned on.  I think she needs counseling.  He gets a rose.

Group Date #2

Our girl takes this group of guys to teach Sex Ed to some local school kids. 

"Say what?!" 
I think Tubbs only has this one facial expression -- very animated and can work in a multitude of situations!

You read that right -- and all I can say is thank the Lord baby Jesus that these were child actors in this room and not an actual class.  ABC would have been in a world of legal hurt from the parents after watching this.  I was pretty impressed with the knowledge some of the guys had on anatomy and puberty; poor Joshua drew the short straw and had to talk about tampons and menstruation.  He did a pretty good job, considering how Kaitlyn sat at the back of the room howling with laughter.  Real supportive.

I wouldn't want any of these people teaching my kids the fundamentals of Sex Ed - just sayin

The star of this outing was Ben H, weaving the story of love and The Bachelor into his version of reproduction.  Kaitlyn's ovaries must have swooned at that tale because he walked away with the rose.  He reminds me of Peter Brady circa 1971-1972. 

That's right when Peter's voice started changing and America was treated to this little ditty.  Would have made such a great musical segue for this segment!  Missed opportunity.

Finally we have the cocktail party.  All episode long ABC made a mockery of male friendship and gay men IMO by featuring the comraderie between JJ and Clint.  They happened to find some common ground and bonded over being meat heads.  ABC took that and spun it into "Brokeback Bachelor" which was barely clever.  The censor bar made an appearance (on loan from Jillian in Chris' season):

 And they gave some unimaginative soundbites to the production team to support their "love story".  *yawn*

The only reason I bring it up is because this bromance impacted the rest of the house by uniting these two together as the villains.  They need to be knocked down a peg or two, but that alas that has to wait until next week.  ABC is leaving us hanging again with a TBC to see how these "villains gonnaa vill" (direct quote from Clint - I don't even know what that means but he said it with confidence and not a hint of irony - can someone check Urban Dictionary and let me know if that sheds some light?).

See you next week when we conclude this rose ceremony and pave the way for this idiot:

Nick/Lithgow (Andi's castoff).  Ish!  Why must he resurface?!  Let the nightmare begin ;)
 

Breaking Bachelor News!!

SPLIT: Whitney is not Chris' "soulesmate"

Chris Soules and Whitney what's-her-face have called it quits only 2 months after the season finale aired.  They say it's amicable, but you and I know the truth.  She's a Stage 5 clinger and he was actually into Becca.  He will return to life on his farm and she will return to baby making in Chicago.  I'd usually ask for a moment of silence to mourn the end to a Bachelor engagement, but I'm genuinely surprised it took them this long so we'll just move right along.

Have a good weekend!

5/26/15: The Bachelorette - wk 2

Hi friends!  Happy Tuesday, hope everyone had a good weekend and took some time to reflect on the sacrifices our armed services men & women have made (and continue to make) to protect our freedoms.  Freedom of speech is one of my favorites and I am very appreciative to have that right :)  That's a good enough segue, so let's begin, we have a lot to cover! 

Before we were allowed to enjoy any dates we had to check in with Britt to see how she was surviving after being cut.  No surprise here, she's crying ... again ...

That stupid gumball heart ring is back, too.

Just before she could leap off the edge of the balcony attached to her suite, there's a knock at her door.  Who could it be??  Fearless leader Chris H?  Room service?  Nope, it's Macklemore!!

Want to hear my Nashville/British accent again?

He looks a little stoned, sounds a little stoned, but he turned her frown upside down in .5 seconds.  They hug, they laugh, and all's well with the all American rejects again.  We can move on to the ACTUAL Bachelorette now.

The guest appearances are starting early this season: Laila Ali, Amy Schumer, and Kylie Jenner's lips just in this episode!

Is his "secret" that he lines above his natual lip line, too?

Laila (who looked stunning btw) worked the first group date and tried to get the men ready to square off in the ring against each other.  Each guy trained and practiced with pros and each other, but Ben Z and Kupah took the time play pat-a-cake instead:



Pattycake, pattycake, baker's man - bake me a cake as fast as you can!

I'm all for displays of strength and manliness, but it didn't seem like the best idea to have men who are competing to date the same woman pound on each other.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster, but thankfully for ABC's medical fund they were all equally weak and no one got seriously hurt.  Jared had to go to the hospital for a bump to the nose, so by default Ben Z won the match.  And this sweet belt:

ABC must have some new interns; they are way too into these details.  First the Operation rose boxes, now some WWE belt with the rose embossed on it.  It's too much kitsch even for this franchise.

During the first date I started to notice quite a few v-neck t's making appearances.  This is a trend we can thank/hate Sean Lowe for - I hope he bought stock in Hanes or FTL; he'd be a very wealthy man.  I decided to keep count of how many I saw, so follow along and see if you can spot any I missed.  We'll start with Jared and his prepubescent beard:

Vneck #1

Since he had to go to the doctor for his boo-boo he missed most of the date happy hour.  Only two things to note here:  #1 is that Corey is trying to pass for a 30 year old:

Nope.  I'm 30, and he looks older than I do.  Quite a bit older.  Like a dentist who has a 14 year old daughter that he's trying to gently but sternly explain why she has to wear shorts longer than the fingertip test.  No way I'm buying that age; try again.


#2 was Kaitlyn's outfit:



Vneck #2

Vneck #3

I had to count that as 2 because you just have to - v's that deep can't go without noting.  At first I thought maybe she put it on backward but then saw the rearview and realized no, no she didn't.  Wow - hope she had some doublestick tape!  Winner winner Ben Z got the group rose.

The first 1:1 date went to Clint!  She drove them to another Cali mansion where they met with an underwater photographer.  Apparently this is a huge trend in engagement photos (wha?? really?? weird...) and she wanted to test the chemistry with Clint.  They got all dressed up:

 



And then jumped in the pool:

Some of the pictures were quite lovely, but overall it was just a little weird.  They made out in the water, above the water, and then out of the pool entirely - all in front of not only the ABC cameras but also all the people there to assist with the photoshoot.  Slightly uncomfortable, but maybe I just am out of touch - I didn't do underwater photos either.  He got a rose, no surprise there.

Also, is anyone else kind of scared by the size of Clint's hands?  I mean, I get that Kaitlyn is probably a petite woman and he does look brawny - but either the water was playing some illusion tricks or he has Andre the Giant hands:

Scary big!

Time for Group Date #2!  Amy Schumer joined the fun and made all the guys do stand-up at amateur night. 

Some really struggled, some did a good job, and then there was Tony.  He rambled, a lot.  I don't know if he really grasped the concept of comedy, so it was nice when he was done.  We'll leave it at that.  Somehow JJ walked away with the rose from this group, and I just don't see it.

Back at the house the men hung out before the cocktail party.  Time to start counting again:

Vneck #4 and #5

Vneck #6

Vneck #7

We're almost running out of fingers!  Thankfully it's time for them to change for the party, so I think we'll get a reprive from the neckline tally for a little bit (I mean, who would wear a vneck t-shirt under a suit?  Can't happen, won't happen.)

Wrong.



Vneck #8

Jonathan was throwing off some serious Tubbs vibes last night - and my eyes bugged out the exact same way when I counted how many of these damn shirts these guys have.  Seriously, do I just not get it?  My husband doesn't have a single vneck t-shirt - is he missing out on something?  Am I missing out on something?  Someone please explain this to me. 

I have another greivance to get off my chest while I'm at it - let's just lay it all out there now.  What is up with JJ's teeth?  Are they all spaced weird?  Does he just drink too much red wine that staines the edges to define them so distinctly from one another?  My guess is it's both - but either way they look just like Mr. Dink's from "Doug".  Here, see for yourself:

I just can't even. 

Anyway, the cocktail party.  JJ was beyond smug with his rose from the Group Date and decided to rub it in to all the guys.  Tony became gradually unglued, going from wide-eyed (which were also super dilated - wtf is going on with this guy?):

To total panic at the disco:

You would've thought he was the one about to have the epic meltdown, but instead Kupah comes out of left field for the win. 

He called our Bachelorette out for their missed connection and then tried to back pedal faster than Lance Armstrong on steroids when she sent him home before the rose ceremony.  He couldn't deal with it and started to get confrontational and loud.  That's where the show went fade to black and threw us a TBC:

I hate 2-parters.  But, it's how they hook ya and I'm no exception.  I cannot wait to see how this ends next Monday!  The only nugget ABC left us with was Britt and Brady/Macklemore riding off into the sunset together:

They were 1 week strong as BF & GF as of the taping of this episode, and I get the feeling they'll be a double arc we have to keep in touch with as the season progresses.  I'd be just as happy pretending they were never on the show, but that's just me.

Hope you have a good week, see you next Monday!