Let's start!
Unbeknownst to me, last night
was 3 HOURS long, with the first 60 minutes dedicated to red carpet arrivals
for the live ABC viewing party. We got to see some of our past favorites
like Sean & Catherine, Andi & Josh; and some of our not so favorites
like Chris Bukowski. Why is this creeper at everything???
We were also treated to the
usual Bachelor history vignette. I fast forwarded through most of it
since I am familiar with our leading man, but had to rewind and pause when this
happened:
I guess Chris and Cupee Cody
bonded while on Andi’s season and are now bros – but that doesn’t explain why
Cody is shirtless standing in the corn with Chris (strangest recreation of
“American Gothic” I’ve ever seen). I’ll try not to think about it too
much, there isn’t enough time for questions when we have the imminent arrival
of 30 ladies.
The first half of the arrivals
were tolerable – no shtick or guffaws, and was a nice change to the usual
bumbling beauties that pour out of the limos. Sadly that didn’t last
long; the rest of the ladies hammed it up and looked like Three Stooges
rejects. We had a karaoke singer, a Harley rider, love rocks from Peru,
love letters from school kids, and a pig nose (I wish I were joking). I
want to go on record as saying that I declared last week that Reegan is a
vampire, and she proved it by bringing a bloody heart with her last night:
She says it was a joke, but
never said what the object actually was – either way our Farmer was as grossed
out as I was and no one was laughing.
Mackenzie appears to have
re-used her prom dress for her arrival:
It’s in great shape –
understandable since it’s only 3 YEARS OLD. She’s 21 and is really into
Chris because he’s “a grown up”. (*facepalm* if you have to say that
about your boyfriend odds are you aren’t one yourself)
Some people say that you can
tell who a person is just by looking into their eyes. I have to believe
that based on these 2 ladies, the (crazy) eyes have it:
The pupil to sclera ratio is
unnerving – you should never see that much white.
Premier guarantee: someone will
be drunk on night one – last night was no exception and we were blessed with
not one, but 3 inebriated gals:
Drunk #1: Ashley S.
One of our crazy eyed friends –
anyone surprised here? She rambled on in front of the camera about onions
being people and how you have to peel them – then spotted an ‘onion’ in the
nearby tree that turned out to be a pomegranate. Those sneaky fruits –
Pom Wonderful that can double as quiche seasoning!
Drunk #2: Jordan
Our collegiate contestant
brought miniature bottles of whiskey to the house to do shots with Chris – she
was flushed and dewy looking from that point on.
Drunk #3: Tara
Tara was swilling Jack all night
– shots, on the rocks, heck she probably had a bottled stashed in her
dress. I’m guessing she was on the brink of alcohol poisoning by the time
the Rose Ceremony came around, but thankfully no refreshments are allowed
during that portion of the evening so her liver got a brief reprieve. She
did, however, reenact the 4 Stages of Drunk for us:
Stage 1: Realization of your
inebriation. You’re becoming aware of how toasted you are, and the only
thing keeping you upright is deep breathing. Meditation techniques come
in handy – recommended pre-requisite before any boozy marathon.
Stage 2: You have never been so
affectionate in your entire life. Your love is directed not only at those
around you (friend or foe) but also toward yourself. A short lived
self-esteem high – enjoy the moment.
Stage 3: You feel like the
Earth’s axis is moving at alarming rates. Among the side effects is
skewed equilibrium – your lady-like balance is out the window. Plan to be
barefoot by now, and as Tara demonstrates having a few friends nearby to offer
bumper support is key.
Stage 4: Your buzz has leveled
out and you find yourself with a case of the munchies. Get directions to
the nearest Taco Bell before you try eating the local fauna.
There was so much secondhand
embarrassment for her, I couldn’t look away!
What literally was the longest
Rose Ceremony ever finally concluded with 8 women stuffed back into the limos.
You can imagine the tears that were shed; I need to invest in Kleenex
stock:
I will cut them a little
slack, by the time they got the axe the sun was coming up – how long are they
there for?? This is the Bachelor, not gitmo. Seems a little cruel.
We will officially begin our journey with 22 women and lots of drama! Who else is excited for next week?!
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