We need to have a moment of silence for the
failed relationship of Andi & Josh.
I am actually a little heartbroken about this, they seemed like would
have gone the distance. Did Josh get
tired of staring at her Chicklet teeth?
Did Andi grow weary of playing second fiddle to Aaron Murray’s football
career? We may never know. I do know, however, that she made her own
dress for the red carpet boozefest last week, and for that odd olive garment
alone I’d send her packing (she ditched her Asst DA career to become a fashion
designer … STAHP!) It only cost her $15 and she sewed it by hand
on the plane. Give me 15 seconds, a bed
sheet, and a clothespin and I could make that dress too.
Ok, mourning moment over – on to Week 2!!
Group Date #1: She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy
Yeah, not so much. The girls did tractor ‘races’ through
downtown LA – what city official signed off on that closure?! – to win a few
moments with Farmer Chris.
The winner: KardAshley
Though that didn’t grant her an additional
date beyond 5 minutes of alone time; Prom Queen Mackenzie swooped in for that prize. They talked about aliens, how grown up Chris
is, how big his nose is (compliment according to her, insult according to him) and
that he kissed her like 5 TIMES that night !!
EEEE! I bet she can’t wait to
tell her friends at her next sleepover J Shockingly she came out of that train wreck
date with a rose.
While half the group was out of the house,
2 of the other ladies decided to practice their B&E skills and take a
stroll through Chris’ temp housing. Megan and Jillian snooped through his clothes, his fridge, and Megan modeled
his motorcycle helmet to perform her own crash tests:
Unfortunately for her, the helmet-head took
a toll as she was reading the date card.
She thought Chris was just sending her a love note when in fact it was
the invite for the 1:1 date – no way!
Maybe she hasn’t watched for the past 20 seasons, or maybe she shook
something loose in her head-on with the bricks.
Thankfully she pulled herself together to take a private jet and a helicopter to the Grand
Canyon. She was amazed, she cried (to be
fair it’s because her dad just died – still doesn’t compete with the widows,
though) and they had a great time. Rose
for her too.
The next group date plopped the other half
of the ladies in the middle of a paintball field filled with zombies. I’ve never heard a group of adult women
scream that much. I’m pretty sure the
limo contracts don’t cover urine clean-up – so sadly ABC will lose their
deposit for that. Amber was crying for
her teddy bear (you forget she brought it with her to the mansion, didn’t you?)
but Ashley S. was ready for combat.
Against who she wasn’t sure (don’t shoot at the crew!), and she might
not have known where she was, but she was ready:
No, sweetie, you’re in California – not Colorado.
Ashley S. is a serious lunatic. She thinks she saw angels in the candles
(huh?), she told the other ladies to find their own path (topped off with a “BOOM”),
and she basically was the best case study for why antipsychotic meds need to be
dispensed in 90 day quantities. That is
not a prescription she should have skipped the refill on – can the medics on
standby get her a few??? I’m starting to
fear for the safety of the entire cast and crew.
Tara stayed sober tonight (sadly) so Jordan
picked up where she left off. I am not
sure if we’ve seen her dry yet – maybe when she first exited the limo?? Probably not.
Anywho, here she is in all her glory:
That’s frizzy hair, bloodshot eyes, slurred
speech gold. Do they still sequester the
rejects?? I hope so, might serve as a
makeshift rehab for her to sober up a little.
Ok, cocktail party time. Unfortunately for us we were subjected to
dimwitted chatter about how inexperienced
KardAshley is and how jealous Prom Queen is about that. I don’t get it either, don’t worry. To top that off, wannabe Kim/Kourtney/Khloe
sister then accosted our farmer so he could rub her bellybutton ring genie lamp
for 3 wishes. I wish I were making this
up. Predictably he wished he could kiss
her, and what followed was the most uncomfortable 15 seconds of TV – I hid my
eyes until it was over, I just couldn’t look at that.
*shudder* Make it stop!!
The evening redeemed itself by showcasing
an epic double doo doo faux pas from Jillian:
Oops #1: He called for Juelia – instead,
Jillian steps forward
Oops #2: As she tried to course-correct she
took a spill
I paused-rewind-repeated that at least 5
times last night. I’m not even sorry.
In the end we said farewell to Alissa our flight attendant, Jordan the drunk, Tandra (aka Blake Lively), and Tara. We got to see a major pouty face from Tara on
her way home:
Epic boo-hoos going on there. I need a gif of that!
The loss of Blake Lively hurt, but we’re excited for next week – are you?! J
*For those of you who don’t know, this is
our almost-2 yr old puppy, Chompy – he lives up to his name everyday. He makes for an excellent sidekick on Bachelor nights <3 o:p="">
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