6/16/15: The Bachelorette - wk 5

Hello, hello!

 

I have been waiting for the moment this season where I get excited.  I gotta say, I turned into Sue last night:



 

YES!!!

The drama is REAL and I can barely contain myself!  ABC is delivering on their promise of a dramatic season and it's going to be amazing.

Ok, first let's pick up where we left off last week with Nick Lithgow's 7 years in Tibet journey to the hotel (The Knickerbocker, remember?  See, that product placement really works!)  He opens the door and it's like a perp line-up.  The axis of the hotel had to have been thrown off as all the guys sat on one side of the room, leaving Nick in the hot seat all alone:

The most vocal of the group were Tanner and Joshua, peppering Lithgow with questions and skepticism.  I approve - he could stand to be a little hot under the collar for pulling a stunt like this.  As Nick spitted his way through answering and calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick" about 10 times Joshua was not impressed:

That is some major side-eye!

 

And Jonathan Tubbs was throwing shade:

 

Girl, you better not thing we were born yesterday.

They decided to live and let live for today and got ready for the rose ceremony.  We all got dragged to the Met stadium to stand out in the cold and watch Kaitlyn give roses to the mansicles.  How come she got to wear a big coat and scarf but the dudes were literally left out in the cold on that memo?

 

Field of dreams this is not.

We bid adieu to Tubbs, Corey, and Ryan B.  Hope Corey took those hotel slippers with him, and maybe the branded bathrobe too - it only seems fair to get some sort of party favor as consolation.

 

Time to pack your bags as we're off to San Antonio, Texas!  Makes me think of the folk song "The Yellow Rose of Texas".

 

Wait, that's just the yellowing old bruise under Justin's eye.  Still.  For real, dude; put some ice on it, maybe try some concealer - it's really distracting.

 

Group Date #1

 

 

Should we insult another culture by making these boys sing mariachi?  Sure, why not!  We started with actual mariachi singers showing us all how it's really done, and Kaitlyn was so smitten with the young boy singing to her she almost added him as another suitor:

 

 

It wouldn't surprise me at this point, any rando showing her some attention and she's ready to put him on the cast just in case he might be her husband. He was totes adorbs, though, so I can understand (just give him a few years to be at least 18).

 

All the men butchered this traditional Mexican style of entertainment, but none more so than Ian.  He thought with his "performance background" he was the big shit:

 

Turns out he was actually just a big pile of shit. 

Same smile, even!

He was off-tune and couldn't get one audible word out.  I feel his story starting to unravel - can we get some fact checkers to vet his profile?  Did he learn to "sing" in his basement?  Was his mother his only fan?  I'm willing to bet $10 that's closer to the truth than the BS he was shoveling on his application.

Happy hour brought Joshua screeching to a halt, as he tried to continually warn Kaitlyn about Nick.  I don't trust Nick either, but unless you're sure your bros aren't going to hang you out to dry just keep your mouth shut.  Sadly he also let our lady give him a haircut:

She only got half his head completed before the clippers died, so this just added to his case of seeming to have a few screws loose.  Ah well, it'll grow back!  Nick got the group date rose (barf!)

1:1 Date numero uno

 

 

Ben Brady!  They haul ass to the local dance hall to learn some 2-step for the evening's state competition.  They didn't look half bad by the time they were done, but they got tapped out in round 2.  Ben fared better when it came time to get the date rose and secured his safety until next week.

 

1:1 Date #2

 

Generic Gosling got to go kayaking down the river walk. 

 

 

He looked pretty good, I must admit, but the baby ducks came in from left field to win my heart.

 

D'aww!!

ABC really knows their audience; muscly dude doing some physical activity and then throw some ducklings at us for good measure.  Yep, you got me!

 

They enjoy their evening sharing and receiving, having and holding, and Shawn tells her he's falling in love with her.  She goes in for a hug and kiss, and breaks ABC rule #1: you never admit your true feelings until the final rose ceremony:

 

 



What?!  Did she just tell him she's falling in love with him too?!  That isn't supposed to happen until the final rose!!!  Girl is breaking all the rules!  They hop into a canoe and watch some fireworks from the middle of a swamp - it was very "Little Mermaid" and he listened to the critters to plant a kiss on the girl.  Rose for him too.

 

Cocktail Party

 

This has me sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for next week.  Ian has pumped up his ego so much I'm surprised he could fit it into the Alamo for this evening.  A few nuggets of his true self:  "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton-graduate-former-model that defied death and has been around the world a couple times."  "She's not half as pretty as my ex."  "I have no problem getting laid, I have sex all the time actually."  He sounds like a peach!  He's gunning hard in his pitch to be the next Bachelor (hahahahaha) and decides to share a little of his authentic self with our lady friend.  He tells her that he's there to meet a wife, and thinks she's just there to get 'busy' with as many guys as she can.  Just as she's getting wound up - BOOM:

 

 

NOOOOOOOO!!!!  We're left with snippets from next week with Ian storming out, Kaitlyn getting fired up, the rest of the guys seeing the aftermath -- and we have to wait an entire week for it!!! 

 

Plus, some bonus footage of next week that was teased at the beginning of the season.  A little math equation for you:

 

 

Sue and I will be hiding in our turtlenecks until next Monday - grab yours and join us!  This is getting GOOOOD!

 

 

6/10/15: The Bachelorette - wk 4

A day late and a dollar short - sorry for the delay in posting the recap from Monday but life happened yesterday and I didn't have time to get to it.

Here is what you need to know from Monday's installment of The Bachelorette:

Clint and his Andre the Giant hands were sent home once we resumed the To Be Continued from last week; JJ was crying like he just got waxed for the first time and I thought for a split second he was going to run after the van hauling Clint to the airport.  Unfortunately, he slapped sense into himself (literally - wtf is wrong with this guy?!) and stayed.  Boo

Kaitlyn doesn't want to do a rose ceremony after all the Giant drama so Chris H tells the man meat to pack their bags - they're all heading to NYC! 

Thanks to tonight's sponsor, The Knickerbocker, the team stayed in style right in the heart of the Big Apple.  ABC needs to be a little more subtle about plugging the sponsors of the show - we're getting to the point that it feels like the commercial breaks are being plopped in the middle of the plot lines.

Group Date #1
Rapping, with Doug E. Fresh.

I couldn't name one of his songs but I remember watching him on "I Love the 80s/90s" on VH1 -- he's a funny guy!  Kaitlyn apparently is really into rap, but sadly most of her suitors are not.

JJ: "I listen exclusively to showtunes."  Least surprising confession I've heard yet - and can we please discuss what a "former" investment banker does?  Does he even have a job right now?  PS his teeth still bother me.



And Justin Jenner still has the remnants of a black eye.  How long ago was the boxing date?  Like 3 weeks ago, right?  How does he still have a black eye??  Granted it's an ugly shade of squash now, but I'm concerned he has some underlying health issue that prevents him from healing in the normal amount of time.  Somthing to keep an eye on (see what I did there?  Yep, couldn't resist)

I can't really tell you if anyone was decent because the camera started maniacally panning to the back of the club to show us Nick Lithgow lurking in the shadows.  Notice who is sitting to his left:

KardAshley!!!  We didn't get time to really catch up with her, just saw Kaitlyn hug her and then geek out over Nick being there.  He slurred and spitted his way through telling us why he was there and that he wanted to be on the show.  That threw our girl into a tizzy and she couldn't find her left hand from her right hand to make a decision.  She chose the post-rap happy hour on a boat to tell the guys she's thinking of adding another rooster to the barn, and the reactions were exactly what you'd hope for.  Sheer disgust at Lithgow (it's refreshing how many of these guys keep up with other seasons!) and the desire to drink.

Hang on, Generic Gosling, the bartender is coming.

1:1 Date
Bestowed upon Jared Brooks Cruise (he's got a little, tiny bit of Tom in him - and that name would actually be pretty amazing.  Dibs!)  They get all gussied up and head to the Met for an evening alone amongst some of the most amazing art in the world.  I felt bad for him because half his date was Kaitlyn talking about Nick and how she's going to break the news to the guys that she gave him the green light to join the cast.  Finally JBC recites a poem that snaps her back to reality; just in time for a surprise heli ride!!!  The first of the season!!



Finally!

Another former cast appearance: Crazy Eyed Ashley S.!!! 

Kaitlyn went to get her hair did for the date with JBC and to get some advice.  You read that right, she trusts this wacko to give her sound dating advice.  The girl who thought a pomegranate was an onion.  Wouldn't be my first choice, but to each their own.

Group Date #2

Our ears were subjected to more bad singing because Kaitlyn dragged the next set of dudes to the stage of "Aladdin" to do try-outs for a cameo in the evening's show.  Just what you want when you go to Broadway - reality TV folks parading around during your play!

Joe and his forehead dimple were having none of this:

You want me to do what?!

And apparently Dean Caine is now on Broadway:

 Dude looks just like him!

They dying cat parade was not over soon enough, but the co-starring role was given to our dentist Chris.  He overacted and grated on my nerves, but I guess was the lesser of all evils to have on stage so the crew picked him.  Big whoop.  The rest of the guys had to go back to The Knickerbocker hotel and chill.  Why they are all sitting in one line on the couch I don't know:

After "Aladdin", Kaitlyn busts into their room to drop the bomb that Nick Lithgow is moving in with them that evening.  Here we have captured the 3 main reactions:

Lets go from R to L -

- Ben Brady is scared and threatened, and maybe a little confused
- Shawn Gosling is incredulous and super judgemental of her decision (you, betch)
- And Corey seems to be relaxing in his hotel slippers too much to care; good for you, enjoy that swag

We fade out with the image of Nick wheeling his suitcase to their room (after what seemed like the 10 mile trek through New York; did production just leave him at JFK and tell him to hoof it to the hotel?) 

Running credits and we catch up with Britt and Mackelmore - I told you I suspected we'd have to follow these two weirdos all season.  They are still going strong as BF/GF and Britt can't get that smile, or glitter, off her face.  I imagine she lives in a world designed by Lisa Frank.

Yep, seems about right.

Til next week!

6/2/15: The Bachelorette - wk 3

I'm bored with this season.  Already.  That can't bode well considering we have like 10 weeks left (j/k - but it's still quite a ways to go).  I'm tired of looking at Kaitlyn's teeth, listening to her subtle Canadian accent (eh), and I am flabberghasted that she finds all of these men sexy in the weirdest situations.  Also, the dates suck; we haven't seen even one floundering music act yet - WTF, ABC?

I'll slog through this episode, forgive me if it's lacking some of the usual je ne sais quoi.  We picked up with Kubah's massive meltdown, with a view of the production team's lovechild of Weird Al and LMFAO:

And can someone tell me why Kubah is wearing suspenders that aren't actually serving any type of function?  They aren't holding his pants up, and if anything would just pull them down.  Not a fashion statement I want to see more of.  WeirdAlMFAO, on the other hand, is wearing some pretty gnarly duds.  I'm getting a little Bob Ross from him too - which is not a bad thing.

I could use a happy little shrub or a fluffy white cloud right about now.

Kubah finally leaves and we can continue with rose ceremony.  We bid adieu to Danial and Cory as well -- did anyone remember these guys were still on the show?  Me neither.

Group Date #1

The fellas were woken by two sumo wrestlers banging a gong slowly in their ears:

These guys seemed to relish this - and I don't blame them!  Seems like it would be an amusing form of torture to inflict on someone who's about to get dressed in a diaper and wrestle -- paying respect to this tradition, my ass, Harrison!

Obvi the guys got dressed in the traditional garb and then shoved each other around on the driveway at the mansion.  There was a lot of pixelation going on, and much ribbing about all the parts on display. 

These guys need a course in tucking, apparently. 

Tony wanted to make love not war, so chose to exclude himself from the rest of the date.  I think his ponytail was pulled too tight and was making him cranky.

The driveway dash was just the warm up to the date, as team ABC thought it would be a good idea to bring this routine to the sidewalks of LA.  There were literally tens of people there to watch:

Notice brunette man in the top right who is wondering what the actual F he's doing there.  My question, exactly, sir.

There were no winners in this, everyone lost.  Some lost their eyesight (pixels don't exist in the real world, afterall), some lost their matches, and all lost their dignity.  Thanks to Tubbs aka Jonathan for this descriptive nugget: "You felt the power of man meat running into each other."  *urp* think I just lost my appetite...

While the group date goes to cocktail hour Tony packs up and leaves.  He misses his dogs, his bonsais, and wants to go home - but he's not a quitter.  Uh, that's the definition of a quitter, Tony.  At happy hour the group rose is bestowed upon Shawn B. He's like a knockoff Ryan Gosling; he dresses like him, styles his hair like him -- just not quite the real thing.



Generic Gosling

Next we have the 1:1 with Ben Z. 

Their date is arranged by Harrison and drops them off at what appears to be the set of "Sandford & Son":

Are they here to turn trash into treasures?  To be the guest stars on a new episode of "Hoarders: Buried Alive"?  Neither, apparently -- they are at this rundown storage shed to participate in a panic room experience. 

Complete with severed hands, fake blood, maggots, and snakes in toilets:

"I am tired of these mother F'ing snakes!"

They had to find the clues hidden amongst the garbage in the dark to find a key to let them out; all before the gas chamber turns on.  Kaitlyn thinks it's hot and is totally turned on.  I think she needs counseling.  He gets a rose.

Group Date #2

Our girl takes this group of guys to teach Sex Ed to some local school kids. 

"Say what?!" 
I think Tubbs only has this one facial expression -- very animated and can work in a multitude of situations!

You read that right -- and all I can say is thank the Lord baby Jesus that these were child actors in this room and not an actual class.  ABC would have been in a world of legal hurt from the parents after watching this.  I was pretty impressed with the knowledge some of the guys had on anatomy and puberty; poor Joshua drew the short straw and had to talk about tampons and menstruation.  He did a pretty good job, considering how Kaitlyn sat at the back of the room howling with laughter.  Real supportive.

I wouldn't want any of these people teaching my kids the fundamentals of Sex Ed - just sayin

The star of this outing was Ben H, weaving the story of love and The Bachelor into his version of reproduction.  Kaitlyn's ovaries must have swooned at that tale because he walked away with the rose.  He reminds me of Peter Brady circa 1971-1972. 

That's right when Peter's voice started changing and America was treated to this little ditty.  Would have made such a great musical segue for this segment!  Missed opportunity.

Finally we have the cocktail party.  All episode long ABC made a mockery of male friendship and gay men IMO by featuring the comraderie between JJ and Clint.  They happened to find some common ground and bonded over being meat heads.  ABC took that and spun it into "Brokeback Bachelor" which was barely clever.  The censor bar made an appearance (on loan from Jillian in Chris' season):

 And they gave some unimaginative soundbites to the production team to support their "love story".  *yawn*

The only reason I bring it up is because this bromance impacted the rest of the house by uniting these two together as the villains.  They need to be knocked down a peg or two, but that alas that has to wait until next week.  ABC is leaving us hanging again with a TBC to see how these "villains gonnaa vill" (direct quote from Clint - I don't even know what that means but he said it with confidence and not a hint of irony - can someone check Urban Dictionary and let me know if that sheds some light?).

See you next week when we conclude this rose ceremony and pave the way for this idiot:

Nick/Lithgow (Andi's castoff).  Ish!  Why must he resurface?!  Let the nightmare begin ;)