Hello, hello!
I have been waiting for the moment this season where I get excited. I gotta say, I turned into Sue last night:
The drama is REAL and I can barely contain myself! ABC is delivering on their promise of a dramatic season and it's going to be amazing.
Ok, first let's pick up where we left off last week with Nick Lithgow's 7 years in Tibet journey to the hotel (The Knickerbocker, remember? See, that product placement really works!) He opens the door and it's like a perp line-up. The axis of the hotel had to have been thrown off as all the guys sat on one side of the room, leaving Nick in the hot seat all alone:
The most vocal of the group were Tanner and Joshua, peppering Lithgow with questions and skepticism. I approve - he could stand to be a little hot under the collar for pulling a stunt like this. As Nick spitted his way through answering and calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick" about 10 times Joshua was not impressed:
Wait, that's just the yellowing old bruise under Justin's eye. Still. For real, dude; put some ice on it, maybe try some concealer - it's really distracting.
Turns out he was actually just a big pile of shit.
He was off-tune and couldn't get one audible word out. I feel his story starting to unravel - can we get some fact checkers to vet his profile? Did he learn to "sing" in his basement? Was his mother his only fan? I'm willing to bet $10 that's closer to the truth than the BS he was shoveling on his application.
Happy hour brought Joshua screeching to a halt, as he tried to continually warn Kaitlyn about Nick. I don't trust Nick either, but unless you're sure your bros aren't going to hang you out to dry just keep your mouth shut. Sadly he also let our lady give him a haircut:
She only got half his head completed before the clippers died, so this just added to his case of seeming to have a few screws loose. Ah well, it'll grow back! Nick got the group date rose (barf!)
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| YES!!! |
Ok, first let's pick up where we left off last week with Nick Lithgow's 7 years in Tibet journey to the hotel (The Knickerbocker, remember? See, that product placement really works!) He opens the door and it's like a perp line-up. The axis of the hotel had to have been thrown off as all the guys sat on one side of the room, leaving Nick in the hot seat all alone:
The most vocal of the group were Tanner and Joshua, peppering Lithgow with questions and skepticism. I approve - he could stand to be a little hot under the collar for pulling a stunt like this. As Nick spitted his way through answering and calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick" about 10 times Joshua was not impressed:
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| That is some major side-eye! |
And Jonathan Tubbs was throwing shade:
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| Girl, you better not thing we were born yesterday. |
They decided to live and let live for today and got ready for the rose ceremony. We all got dragged to the Met stadium to stand out in the cold and watch Kaitlyn give roses to the mansicles. How come she got to wear a big coat and scarf but the dudes were literally left out in the cold on that memo?
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| Field of dreams this is not. |
We bid adieu to Tubbs, Corey, and Ryan B. Hope Corey took those hotel slippers with him, and maybe the branded bathrobe too - it only seems fair to get some sort of party favor as consolation.
Time to pack your bags as we're off to San Antonio, Texas! Makes me think of the folk song "The Yellow Rose of Texas".
Wait, that's just the yellowing old bruise under Justin's eye. Still. For real, dude; put some ice on it, maybe try some concealer - it's really distracting.
Group Date #1
Should we insult another culture by making these boys sing mariachi? Sure, why not! We started with actual mariachi singers showing us all how it's really done, and Kaitlyn was so smitten with the young boy singing to her she almost added him as another suitor:
It wouldn't surprise me at this point, any rando showing her some attention and she's ready to put him on the cast just in case he might be her husband. He was totes adorbs, though, so I can understand (just give him a few years to be at least 18).
All the men butchered this traditional Mexican style of entertainment, but none more so than Ian. He thought with his "performance background" he was the big shit:
Turns out he was actually just a big pile of shit.
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| Same smile, even! |
He was off-tune and couldn't get one audible word out. I feel his story starting to unravel - can we get some fact checkers to vet his profile? Did he learn to "sing" in his basement? Was his mother his only fan? I'm willing to bet $10 that's closer to the truth than the BS he was shoveling on his application.
Happy hour brought Joshua screeching to a halt, as he tried to continually warn Kaitlyn about Nick. I don't trust Nick either, but unless you're sure your bros aren't going to hang you out to dry just keep your mouth shut. Sadly he also let our lady give him a haircut:
She only got half his head completed before the clippers died, so this just added to his case of seeming to have a few screws loose. Ah well, it'll grow back! Nick got the group date rose (barf!)
1:1 Date numero uno
Ben Brady! They haul ass to the local dance hall to learn some 2-step for the evening's state competition. They didn't look half bad by the time they were done, but they got tapped out in round 2. Ben fared better when it came time to get the date rose and secured his safety until next week.
1:1 Date #2
Generic Gosling got to go kayaking down the river walk.
He looked pretty good, I must admit, but the baby ducks came in from left field to win my heart.
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| D'aww!! |
ABC really knows their audience; muscly dude doing some physical activity and then throw some ducklings at us for good measure. Yep, you got me!
They enjoy their evening sharing and receiving, having and holding, and Shawn tells her he's falling in love with her. She goes in for a hug and kiss, and breaks ABC rule #1: you never admit your true feelings until the final rose ceremony:
What?! Did she just tell him she's falling in love with him too?! That isn't supposed to happen until the final rose!!! Girl is breaking all the rules! They hop into a canoe and watch some fireworks from the middle of a swamp - it was very "Little Mermaid" and he listened to the critters to plant a kiss on the girl. Rose for him too.
Cocktail Party
This has me sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for next week. Ian has pumped up his ego so much I'm surprised he could fit it into the Alamo for this evening. A few nuggets of his true self: "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton-graduate-former-model that defied death and has been around the world a couple times." "She's not half as pretty as my ex." "I have no problem getting laid, I have sex all the time actually." He sounds like a peach! He's gunning hard in his pitch to be the next Bachelor (hahahahaha) and decides to share a little of his authentic self with our lady friend. He tells her that he's there to meet a wife, and thinks she's just there to get 'busy' with as many guys as she can. Just as she's getting wound up - BOOM:
NOOOOOOOO!!!! We're left with snippets from next week with Ian storming out, Kaitlyn getting fired up, the rest of the guys seeing the aftermath -- and we have to wait an entire week for it!!!
Plus, some bonus footage of next week that was teased at the beginning of the season. A little math equation for you:
Sue and I will be hiding in our turtlenecks until next Monday - grab yours and join us! This is getting GOOOOD!
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