6/2/15: The Bachelorette - wk 3

I'm bored with this season.  Already.  That can't bode well considering we have like 10 weeks left (j/k - but it's still quite a ways to go).  I'm tired of looking at Kaitlyn's teeth, listening to her subtle Canadian accent (eh), and I am flabberghasted that she finds all of these men sexy in the weirdest situations.  Also, the dates suck; we haven't seen even one floundering music act yet - WTF, ABC?

I'll slog through this episode, forgive me if it's lacking some of the usual je ne sais quoi.  We picked up with Kubah's massive meltdown, with a view of the production team's lovechild of Weird Al and LMFAO:

And can someone tell me why Kubah is wearing suspenders that aren't actually serving any type of function?  They aren't holding his pants up, and if anything would just pull them down.  Not a fashion statement I want to see more of.  WeirdAlMFAO, on the other hand, is wearing some pretty gnarly duds.  I'm getting a little Bob Ross from him too - which is not a bad thing.

I could use a happy little shrub or a fluffy white cloud right about now.

Kubah finally leaves and we can continue with rose ceremony.  We bid adieu to Danial and Cory as well -- did anyone remember these guys were still on the show?  Me neither.

Group Date #1

The fellas were woken by two sumo wrestlers banging a gong slowly in their ears:

These guys seemed to relish this - and I don't blame them!  Seems like it would be an amusing form of torture to inflict on someone who's about to get dressed in a diaper and wrestle -- paying respect to this tradition, my ass, Harrison!

Obvi the guys got dressed in the traditional garb and then shoved each other around on the driveway at the mansion.  There was a lot of pixelation going on, and much ribbing about all the parts on display. 

These guys need a course in tucking, apparently. 

Tony wanted to make love not war, so chose to exclude himself from the rest of the date.  I think his ponytail was pulled too tight and was making him cranky.

The driveway dash was just the warm up to the date, as team ABC thought it would be a good idea to bring this routine to the sidewalks of LA.  There were literally tens of people there to watch:

Notice brunette man in the top right who is wondering what the actual F he's doing there.  My question, exactly, sir.

There were no winners in this, everyone lost.  Some lost their eyesight (pixels don't exist in the real world, afterall), some lost their matches, and all lost their dignity.  Thanks to Tubbs aka Jonathan for this descriptive nugget: "You felt the power of man meat running into each other."  *urp* think I just lost my appetite...

While the group date goes to cocktail hour Tony packs up and leaves.  He misses his dogs, his bonsais, and wants to go home - but he's not a quitter.  Uh, that's the definition of a quitter, Tony.  At happy hour the group rose is bestowed upon Shawn B. He's like a knockoff Ryan Gosling; he dresses like him, styles his hair like him -- just not quite the real thing.



Generic Gosling

Next we have the 1:1 with Ben Z. 

Their date is arranged by Harrison and drops them off at what appears to be the set of "Sandford & Son":

Are they here to turn trash into treasures?  To be the guest stars on a new episode of "Hoarders: Buried Alive"?  Neither, apparently -- they are at this rundown storage shed to participate in a panic room experience. 

Complete with severed hands, fake blood, maggots, and snakes in toilets:

"I am tired of these mother F'ing snakes!"

They had to find the clues hidden amongst the garbage in the dark to find a key to let them out; all before the gas chamber turns on.  Kaitlyn thinks it's hot and is totally turned on.  I think she needs counseling.  He gets a rose.

Group Date #2

Our girl takes this group of guys to teach Sex Ed to some local school kids. 

"Say what?!" 
I think Tubbs only has this one facial expression -- very animated and can work in a multitude of situations!

You read that right -- and all I can say is thank the Lord baby Jesus that these were child actors in this room and not an actual class.  ABC would have been in a world of legal hurt from the parents after watching this.  I was pretty impressed with the knowledge some of the guys had on anatomy and puberty; poor Joshua drew the short straw and had to talk about tampons and menstruation.  He did a pretty good job, considering how Kaitlyn sat at the back of the room howling with laughter.  Real supportive.

I wouldn't want any of these people teaching my kids the fundamentals of Sex Ed - just sayin

The star of this outing was Ben H, weaving the story of love and The Bachelor into his version of reproduction.  Kaitlyn's ovaries must have swooned at that tale because he walked away with the rose.  He reminds me of Peter Brady circa 1971-1972. 

That's right when Peter's voice started changing and America was treated to this little ditty.  Would have made such a great musical segue for this segment!  Missed opportunity.

Finally we have the cocktail party.  All episode long ABC made a mockery of male friendship and gay men IMO by featuring the comraderie between JJ and Clint.  They happened to find some common ground and bonded over being meat heads.  ABC took that and spun it into "Brokeback Bachelor" which was barely clever.  The censor bar made an appearance (on loan from Jillian in Chris' season):

 And they gave some unimaginative soundbites to the production team to support their "love story".  *yawn*

The only reason I bring it up is because this bromance impacted the rest of the house by uniting these two together as the villains.  They need to be knocked down a peg or two, but that alas that has to wait until next week.  ABC is leaving us hanging again with a TBC to see how these "villains gonnaa vill" (direct quote from Clint - I don't even know what that means but he said it with confidence and not a hint of irony - can someone check Urban Dictionary and let me know if that sheds some light?).

See you next week when we conclude this rose ceremony and pave the way for this idiot:

Nick/Lithgow (Andi's castoff).  Ish!  Why must he resurface?!  Let the nightmare begin ;)