Project Baby: Update

Hi there.  It's been awhile.  Almost 3 months actually.  A lot has changed, and a lot has stayed the same.

I have a new job!  That's great, great news.  But, it's been a rough day so forgive me if I'm hard-pressed to find more to be excited about today.

We still aren't pregnant.  We still don't have a baby.

I get asked a lot: have you considered adoption?  Have you considered surrogacy?  Let me answer both.

Adoption: yes, but only briefly.  I understand that there are many, many children who need loving parents and safe homes.  However, there's something to be said for having a child of your own DNA, someone who has your crooked nose or squinty eye.  Someone to carry the family legacy that you feel so proud to be part of - strong men and even stronger women who deserve to be carried in to a new generation.  Adoption is also expensive and complicated, costing around $15,000 for one child for domestic adoption.  And there are waiting lists. Do you match a mother's expectations? Does she match yours?  So while we never say "never" or "no" - that's not an option for us at this time.  Call me crazy - I call myself that plenty.

Surrogacy: yes, we've considered surrogacy but damn if that's not just as complicated and expensive as any other option.  The route we thought was open for us is now filled with legal landmines that lawyers have declined helping us on.  Another door closed.  For now.  And do you know the cost associated with that?  If I can't squeeze out my own egg we need to buy one from a donor, and then either implant in me or find a gestational carrier.  Both cost more money than you can imagine - minimum $10,000 and all the way to up to $100,000 in cases I've read about.  Staggering, and unfortunately out of reach for us.

As I sit here today feeling frustrated and defeated (again) I can't help but have regrets.  Why didn't I start trying sooner?  Why didn't I get tested sooner?  Why didn't I have gastric bypass when I was 18 and had insurance coverage so that I wasn't faced with weight being a factor for IVF?  Why did I quit the job that offered health insurance with infertility coverage?  Why can't we get pregnant?  WHY ME?????

I know life isn't fair.  I know I've been blessed in other ways.  I know I have a ton to be thankful for in my life, and I am.  But that doesn't make today any easier.  I'm not asking for perfect, I'm not even asking for easy - I'm just asking for us to catch a break.  When will this work for us?

Or terrifyingly: what if it doesn't?

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: 11:33am

Well guys, the phone call came.  And it was not the good news we were all hoping for.

Negative. 
Zilch. 
Nada. 

Disappointment doesn't begin to describe it.

We will be OK, we'll survive -- hell, we already did.  I just don't know what's next yet.  Actually, I do know what is next, I just don't know when it is.

If we were ready to jump into Cycle 2 that would start within 1 week; crazy right?  I would call when my period started and schedule my baseline ultrasound, get my prescription for Femara, and we'd be right back in the thick of it within 7 days.

BUT.

I still don't have a job, and we foot the bill for this 100% out of pocket.  I have bigger fish to fry right now.  This is a luxury we can't afford this month, so we're out for April unless we get a different kind of miracle.

I hope to be back at it in May, and whenever we do pick it up again I'll be right back here to document.  We have so many folks rooting for us that collectively there has to be enough good joo joo and prayers for Heaven to hear us.  Until then, you're welcome to stick around and see what else I might have cooking.  It's rarely dull in our house, and come hell or high water we won't be benched for long.

So put me in, Coach, I'm ready to play.

xoxo

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc

Project Baby: Light at the end of the tunnel

It's Monday night, just after 10pm.  The two week wait is almost over - the end is in sight.  My blood test is tomorrow at 7:40am -- made while I still had a job and didn't want to be late to work.  Now, jobless for the moment, I'm wishing I would have made the appointment for a little later in the morning LOL

I doubt I'll be able to go back to sleep when I get home - and that is going to make for a long day of waiting.  The results will start rolling out of their lab around noon - so anytime between 12pm and 4pm is when the phone call will come.  I'm so tired of waiting; actually, tired isn't the right word anymore: I'm weary.

It's been a long month filled with highs, lows, ups and downs.  We've done everything we're supposed to do.  I've been to every appointment, taken every pill, done the blood work and taken my shot.  But as I sit here tonight I'm not convinced it worked.  And that bums me out.

You read online about the women who "just know" that they are pregnant.  That intangible, indescribable feeling, intuition.  I've thrown the question out to the TTC chat boards - and not one woman could give me a better answer than "I just had a gut feeling I was pregnant".  Thanks, super helpful.  I am having none of those feelings that I can tell - strike one.

I've also failed in my quest to steer clear of the HPT (home pregnancy tests).  I peed in a cup yesterday evening and dunked 3 -- and then peed in a cup again tonight and dunked 2 more.  I don't see anything there that would give me a glimmer of hope to hang on to.  Line Eye kicks in after too much staring and you could swear you see something; but my most rational self chimes in and says "No, not this time."  Strike two.

So where does that leave me tonight?  Almost at the end of the road of Cycle 1, and not feeling very hopeful that there will be good news coming to me tomorrow.  I try to muster bravery; but I'm already cracking as I type.  I feel the tickle in my nose and the warmth of tears behind my eyes.  Maybe if I let some of the disappointment out now, the blow won't be so hard tomorrow.

I don't want to be a pessimist, but I also don't want to be naive.  I also never wanted this 'diary' to be a woe-is-me, 'take pity on me' project -- that wasn't the point or intention.  However, there is real emotion that goes along with this journey and that's part of the story.  So, I'll share that too.  I hope you won't mind, and I'll hope you'll still come back when we start Chapter 2.

For tonight, I will log off and get some sleep before my appointment (now only 9 hours and 14 mins away).  Either way the news goes tomorrow there will be a delay in posting the results - I want us to be able to share the final update with our parents first, and digest it ourselves before sharing with the world.  I will get the update online as soon as I'm ready - so trust that it will come and you will know soon enough as well.

Until then, I leave you with a photo of my dip strips from last night.  If you see something, say something - I will take all the hope I can get tonight.

Anyone?

xoxo

P.S. - thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and support this month.  We are so blessed and so appreciative to have so many people in our corner rooting for us.  It means the world.  💗

In a state with no required fertility coverage it takes a village to get it done - if you'd like to donate here's the link: https://www.gofundme.com/projectbabyc